The fridge photo
by Flowing lantern
Summary: Defan AU/ Damon Salvatore is a guy in his mid-twenties who has just started working as a doctor, has the perfect life and the best girlfriend. Everything is going great for him until one day he calls his mom to check on his little brother and realizes how serious things are with Stefan, who is a kid the parents never really wanted in the first place.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey guys, this is a new Defan story that I recently came up with. It was originally supposed to be a one-shot, but I wrote it out to be too long, so instead I decide for it to be a short story with about five chapters. Basically Stefan is 17 and Damon is in his twenties, has just graduated college and has started working his dream job as a doctor. When Stefan gets himself into trouble, Damon decides to step in, since their parents refuse to do so. I would appreciate your reviews and would love to know if you would like me to continue and finish this. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Damon's POV**

I finally come home after a very long day at the hospital and toss away my scrubs on the couch, going straight for the kitchen and opening the fridge searching desperately for something to eat after a fourteen hour shift.

When I take out whatever's left of my pizza from last night and close the door, the picture hanging there catches my attention and I sigh hard. It's been a while since I heard something from the seventeen-year-old boy smiling in my direction, wearing proudly his football jersey with the number 44 on his chest and a ball under his arm.

Stefan. My little brother. God I missed him.

Without hesitation, I pick up the phone and dial my parent's home number. I've been living in Whitmore for more than a year now and I just finished my internship. Much to my parents approval I began the residency a few weeks back and they came by to see me and have dinner with me. Unfortunately without Stefan, who was God knows where.

I loved my parents, I really did. My father was a partner in this big IT technology company and my mother mostly did charity things, but she used to be a teacher before. I had everything I could ask for when I was a kid-we weren't awfully rich, but we had enough money to live in a house that is probably ten times bigger than my apartment. We had our own personal cook, I grew up with a nanny, even though my mother loved spending as much time with me as she could and when the time came my father decided that I have to study in a private school if I ever want to get into a good college and become a doctor, which has always been my dream and it was something they supported.

My childhood was happy, though a little lonely until Stefan came along. It was clear that my father never wanted another child-he already had a son, a good one and he loved to praise me, I had my mother's unconditional love and a house full of toys. And then we found out that my mother is pregnant again. Seven years after she had me. Nobody expected it and the news surprised us all-almost everyone's reaction was bad, and I couldn't understand why. I was extremely happy for I would never be alone anymore.

When they first brought Stefan home, I remember thinking how he is the tiniest baby in the whole world. He didn't cry at all and he was rarely fussy. He was calm and obedient or well…as much as babies can be obedient and I remember often going to his nursery, picking him up and rocking him in the chair-he wouldn't make a peep, but he would open his big beautiful green eyes and I would talk to him until he fell back to sleep.

I mostly did that, not only because I was a curious little boy who loved his brother, but also, because nobody else seemed to be paying such attention to Stefan. I couldn't understand my parent's reaction-father held him in the hospital for about a minute before he gave him back to the nurse, in which time he furrowed his eyebrows and looked at him as if something's very wrong and my mom stopped breastfeeding him a few weeks after she was discharged. She has left him mostly to the care of my old nanny Emily, who's been both good and stern with me when she needed to. She seemed to be the only one besides me who felt that Stefan is left behind and I've often noticed her talking to him how beautiful he is, or hugging him and kissing his forehead because there was no one else to do that.

My parents continued threating Stefan like he was a part of someone else's family as we grew up. I can't remember hearing my father say a good word about him or my mother showing him much affection. Their attitude towards me hasn't changed though-they loved me the same way and that hurt my little brother very much. It hurt me too, because I hated seeing him being sad all the time.

I kept trying to change things-I would go to my father and tell him that Stefan did an amazing job at something or that he just got an A on his last final, but all I would get from my dad would be a loud grunt as if he was complaining about me telling him all the great stuff his youngest son did.

Me and Stefan were inseparable though, even if we fought sometimes, mainly because of our parents and their disapproval towards him, but we were together all the time and yes, he was the annoying little brother at first, but as we grew up he also became my best friend, someone, I could tell everything to.

He was the only one who understood the pressure my father put on me, he was the only one who realized how hard it is to please Giuseppe Salvatore-I had to be perfect, at everything, there weren't mistakes allowed.

He often reminded me what a bright future I have ahead of me and every time I wished to just live like a normal teen and go to parties or get drunk and fool around, I was reminded of the importance of my education. For Stefan, it was even worse, because no matter what he did, it was just never enough.

So at some point, he just stopped worrying. When he began his freshman year, he started getting problematic. He would skip school all the time, he wouldn't listen to mother and father and would go to parties every week, he got home after midnight and he had the worst grades. He was extremely smart and he was better than me in so many subjects that I've struggled through, but no matter what I said and what he did, my parents wouldn't hear it. And that resulted in his complete destroying.

My father wanted him to become a doctor as well and he would constantly compare us and rub it in Stefan's nose how great I was at everything when I was his age. He wanted him to have the perfect grades and take AP classes.

And then one day Stefan just got too tired of it all and he stopped trying to do anything. He stopped studying, he started hanging out with the wrong people, he would get drunk, and he completely forgot all about father's aspirations for him becoming a doctor. He got into the football team and it turned out he was surprisingly great at it. I went to his games whenever I could and besides Emily, I was the only one to care about him.

When father heard about his athletic success he just waved his hand and said that sports is for lazy people which only made Stefan get drunk for the first time at fifteen. I was there to live it through with him. Despite my parent's disapproval, I was very happy for him and the more I watched him play, the more I realized how great he actually is at this-he had talent for it, he did amazing things on the field and he always made the crowd go wide-he was going to be a great player some day and even the scouts who came to see him, knew it.

I started getting invested in those stuff, I knew that mother and father don't care, but he could actually win a scholarship and get into some great college. I had faith in him and I tried showing him how much I support him. He was still fine back then. I mean yes, he went out and partied, he was flirty with all girls and he was extremely sarcastic, which was his way for covering his pain, but he was fine.

Now, he wasn't.

After I finally pressed the green button and heard the familiar signal on the other side, my mother picked up.

"Damon, honey, hello!" she said as if I just magically saved someone with a phone call. I loved my mother, I really did, but I couldn't understand why she could never love my brother the same way "How is it going? How is the residency? Are you doing fine? How about Bonnie, she there with you? I would love to hear from her?"

"Hey, mom" I laughed at all her questions, but I kept staring at the photo on the fridge where a blond fella was smiling in my direction. "Everything's alright and no, Bonnie had to work a nightshift this evening, so she's not with me" I explained, grateful that my girlfriend wasn't here as I knew mom wouldn't let her be for forty minutes if I give her the phone "How are things with you? How's Stefan?" I ask right away before she can indulge me into some boring conversation about a charity event.

I expect her to start complaining of him right away, but instead she gets extremely silent and I move away from the fridge and pull up the chair so I can sit down, sensing that things are not going in a great direction

"Mom, what's wrong?" I ask again and she clears her throat from the other end, but I've obviously hurt her with my question "Is he alright?"

"Your brother is not here" she announces and I lean on the table nervously.

"How do you mean he's not there, he lives in our home?" I say and I hear her tired sight, her voice is cold which is her way of trying to hide all emotions. Stefan is seventeen years old where else could he be? "Mom?" I ask again when she refuses to give me a proper response

"He came home the other night, late after midnight. He obviously tripped over something and broke some stuff in the hallway, which woke us up" she finally starts explaining and I squeeze my eyes imagining Stefan like this. "When we went downstairs and saw him your father got really mad."

"Why?" I ask confused

"Because he was high, Damon." she lets out too fast, because she is ashamed to say it out loud and I bury my hand in my hair.

No, no, no this can't be happening. Not to Stefan. He could get drunk, but drugs? Come on.

"He was high and he was drunk, his eyes were bloody and he was talking things that didn't make any sense whatsoever. Your father and he got into a really big fight and …your dad threw him out."

"He did what now?" I raise my voice right away and stand up without even realizing what I'm doing "Mother! What the hell is wrong with you guys, he is seventeen!"

"Damon, would you keep your voice down!" she scolds me, but I can't calm down

"Where is he now?" I ask, ignoring her disapproving of my attitude. What kind of parents were they? How could they throw him out like this? He is still a minor, a child, he had nowhere to go!

"I don't know, but your father froze his credit card and he is probably running out of money so he'll come back soon" she tries to calm me down, but this is not how they should be thinking. Their kid is out there and he's doing God knows what. How are they not freaking out and trying to find him! "You don't have to worry."

"Mom, I can't believe you right now!" I let out my frustration even though I love her, it doesn't mean I agree with her on this. "He is seventeen! He needs your help, not you kicking him out! How could you allow this?"

"It's your father's choice and you know well enough that I can't change his mind once he's stubbornly decided something. You are blaming me, Damon, but your brother really hurt us. He is disgracing the family's name and he has been repeatedly making fun of us. He doesn't go to school anymore, he doesn't want to study, he has been coming home drunk for the past month and he's not listening to a word any of us are saying! I tried talking to him! I tried telling him that he has to go back to the way he used to be before all this madness started!"

"Mom, what do you want from him? He just lost everything he ever dreamed of!" I say this time trying to be calm. I knew far too well that I couldn't change my parent's mind. They had a certain view on life. They wanted their kids to be perfect, to study hard and become a respected members of the society. My brother was just trying to be himself and they hated him for it.

I look at the photo on the fridge once again and feel the heavy feeling on my chest come back.

Stefan was having a really hard time right now. About two months ago he got in an accident. After a big game with his team, he went to this party to celebrate. He was having the time of his life, but when he has finally decided that it's late and it's time to go home, there was no one to drive him. All his friends were drunk, having sex or collapsed somewhere and he knew that he has to come back home, because our father has put up an ultimatum for him and told him he'll stop giving him any money and move him to another school if he doesn't get his grades back to what they were and starts coming home on time. So he was late and he was in a hurry and he decided to walk. It wasn't such a long distance, just a few blocks, it couldn't take him more than twenty minutes.

But he never ended up back home.

When he was crossing the street, he got hit by some guy in a jeep, who was dead drunk. It turned out that he was some college boy, who was trying to get home from a party, just like Stefan.

He hit my brother and completely destroyed him and his life. They've stabilized him by the time I got to the hospital and they were preparing him for a surgery, but it turned out that his whole arm is completely crashed into pieces and they said he won't be able to play football anymore. I was just happy to have him back with me, I was so scared that I'll lose him.

My parents really broke both his and my heart for yet another time that day-when my father heard that he's fine, he went back home right away, saying that he has an important business call to make and my mom stayed with me in the hospital. She was worried, I could see that, but when she was also mad.

When Stefan finally came back to his senses and opened his eyes, I leaned down and picked him up in my embrace-he was alive. He almost died, but he was here, I couldn't have been happier. My mother was somewhere behind me. When she looked at him and he was all broken in the literal sense and devastated in the psychological one, she came closer and said that none of this would've happened had he listened to them.

Stefan almost started crying. Then he asked us to leave him alone.

He's been troublesome ever since. He closed himself for the world. He wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't listen to a word I have to say. He got himself discharged about five days later, even though he had serious injuries and was supposed to stay longer.

I just went there one day and he was gone. He wouldn't want to listen or agree to any of the things I suggested-he had to get another surgery for his arm so he wouldn't be in so much pain, he had to go to rehabilitation. He just looked at me and said he's fine, forgetting the fact that I was a doctor and I knew he wasn't fine.

"This is not what he dreamt of! He was just putting up a fight and now he's ruining his life!" she argued with me and I rubbed my forehead tiredly. I knew far too well that we can continue this fight for a few more hours and we would still be nowhere.

"Do you know where he is?" I asked and she sighs on the other side

"I have no idea, but he's probably staying with his friend Tyler. You're not going to look for him, are you, Damon?" she asks and before I even get the chance to respond she continues "He needs to learn a lesson!"

"No, what he needs is someone to help him, mom. He hit rock bottom, someone has to help him get out of there!"

We soon hang up and I don't waste any time before tossing a sweater on and grabbing my phone and my car keys, leaving a message for Bonnie as I get out and run to my truck in the parking lot. I had to find him.

* * *

It takes me half an hour to get to Mystic Falls. Finding Tyler's place wasn't hard-they owned the biggest house in town as they were the richest people there. I never liked that family and Stefan hanging out with Tyler couldn't have been good. He had the reputation of the bad boy with the greatest parties, so of course by the time I parked in front of their house, I was certain that this evening was no different. Loud music was blasting through the opened windows, naked girls near the pool, guys drinking beer and smoking pot and somewhere on the second floor, most probably, horny teens making sex-something which I was hoping to avoid tonight.

It was still crowded even if it was after midnight and I barely manage to make my way through a bunch of people in the living room.

"Hey, do you know where Stefan Salvatore is?" I ask some guy who looks like a pothead and he laughs in my direction as he takes a sip from his beer

"Nice jacket, dude" he says as he throws me a mocking glance "But don't you think you're a bit too old to be here?"

"Stefan Salvatore" I say as I grip his shirt and pull him closer to my face. I'm too tired to deal with this now, I've been lacking sleep "Now."

"I-I think he's getting drunk in the kitchen" he stutters and raises his hands defensively. I let go of him and start moving to the kitchen where once upon a time, as kids me, Stefan and the other rich and important town folk's kids would fool around and play hide and seek.

When I get there and see everything that's going on before me, I realize that this place is hardly the picture of innocence. There is a big table where guys have gathered around, accompanied by girls in bikinies. They were yelling, obviously playing some game and hitting their fists in the table. I start going next to each and every one of them, because it's dark and I can't see their faces good. They all complain with a grunt and yell back at me but I don't even pay attention. I'm too worried that I can't find my brother. Finally I recognize Tyler's gelled hair, which was as sparkling as his ego was and pull him back by the sweater

"Woah, what the hell is going on?" he asks and when he sees who I am his eyes go wide and he realizes he's in trouble "Damon? What are you doing here?"

"My brother" I yell out because the music is too damn loud "Where is he?" Tyler shrugs his shoulder, but I know he's just covering for Stefan, so I pull him off his chair and shake him up a bit "I want you to give me Stefan's exact location in less than five seconds or I'll call the police and then your parents and then I'll probably kick your sorry ass and make sure you get expelled from school."

"He-he should be right over there." Tyler says and nods at the far right corner of the room where I can see a small table. I give Tyler an angry look and let him go, wondering why shouldn't I just go back and kick his sorry ass, I have more important things to worry about though, so I try to focus on finding my brother.

I rush to the table as fast as I can without killing someone on my way and when I get there, I finally see him.

He doesn't see me though.

He can't see me, because he's bend over the table and he's snorting cocaine. I can't believe my eyes. I can't believe that this is Stefan and most of all, I can't believe that when he finally pulls back and looks at me with his bloody eyes he laughs out loud.

"Oh, damn, this thing is really good, guys, I think I'm hallucinating my brother" the guys next to him laugh alongside with him and I realize that he really must be thinking this isn't real.

He is worse than when I last saw him in the hospital a month ago. He's lost weight and his completely broken and shattered arm is hanging in an unnatural way from his shoulder. There were no bandages or any cast left, he must've taken it all himself, but he was surely in pain.

Maybe that's why he was taking the drugs. Or who was I kidding-he was ruining himself on purpose, this wasn't about pain.

"Stefan" I say his name as if I can't believe that this is really him. He's dressed in his old football jacket and some washed out jeans. He doesn't look like the son of the well-known and respected Giuseppe Salvatore. He looks like the abandoned child he always has been.

"Damn, he talks too" Stefan says confused with his hoarse voice and then shrugs as he picks up the beer next to him and then takes a big sip. I'm too stunned to believe that this is true. I always thought that mom was exaggerating about him getting high but she obviously wasn't-he really was taking drugs.

Things really angered me when I saw him bending down to snort another line, which is when I got next to him and grabbed his collar a bit roughly, but now mom was right-he needed to be shaken up a bit.

"Stefan, come on" I say and he looks at me confused, he really can't believe I'm here

"Damon?" he asks surprised" What the hell, I thought I was…Is this really you?"

"If you weren't so high in the sky you would've remembered how your big brother looks! Now come on, we're leaving" I say and start pulling him towards the entrance

"No, no way. I'm not going anywhere" he surprisingly pulls back and gets away from my tight grip "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question" I say angrily "Though, actually, I can see what you're doing-you're destroying yourself. You're coming with me."

"No, I'm not. I don't want to go anywhere with you" he pushes me away with his healthy hand and I furrow my eyebrows. He was aggressive. For some reason he wanted me gone. Maybe because he was sure I will spoil his perfect party. He leans down to garb the beer from the table again, but I yank it off his hand and the bottle crashes on the floor, not that anyone notices as the music is too loud.

"Listen to me" I begin again "I talked to mom, I know that dad kicked you out, but it will be fine. I'll take you with me to Whitmore for a few days, then we'll come back, I'll talk to him and he'll forgive you."

"I don't want him to forgive me and I certainly don't want to go back to that goddamn house" Stefan protests "So leave me the fuck alone. I don't need your help."

"Stefan, come on, just come with me, we'll talk and you'll crash at my place" I try to reason with him, but he doesn't even pay any attention to me, he waves his hand, yells something at me and sits back down on the table, stretching out and trying to get to another bottle with his healthy hand. I noticed he barely used his right one, it was still hanging unnaturally to his right side and I noticed he can't bent it at all.

"Okay, then we'll have to do this the hard way" I say to myself as I come by his side again, grab his collar, pull him up and start leading him outside. It was a hard fight, he was trying to get away, but I twisted his healthy hand behind his back and even though I hated causing him more pain, it was the only way to get him out of here. He wasn't as strong because he was drunk and high so that was in my advantage.

He kept cursing and when we were finally outside and I let him go he turned around angrily

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Damon?" he yells at me, but I won't have any of his shit

"Get in the truck, right now!" I order and he shakes his head "Don't make me call the police and make them get you behind bars for the evening, because trust me you are not going back in this damn house, so I suggest you get in the truck." he stares at me for a moment and when he figures I'm serious, he angrily opens the door and jumps in. I follow right behind him and I can practically breathe the anger in the damn truck as I start the engine-he's furious even if he's high.

"You don't" he starts but I raise my hand

"We'll talk when we get home!" I say sternly and he grumpily looks away and stares through the window. He knows he's in trouble. He might not care about what dad or mom have to say, but he respects me and when he sees me this mad, he knows he is in trouble. I hoped I wasn't too late.

We get back faster than I thought and I'm glad because I can't stand the silence in the car anymore. When we get inside, he surprises me by slowly staggering to the kitchen. He takes out one of my own beers and I manage to catch him before he's even tried unscrewing it.

"Are you for real right now?" I say and he laughs in my direction "You just love pissing me off, don't you, Stefan?" I ask and he shrugs as I pour the beer down the drain and he gives me a sad look "Sit down, right now" I say and he complies, but he's not at all giving a shit about what I have to say. He doesn't care about it-he's hiding behind his perfect mask of sarcasm and indifference and he thinks he'll get away with it, but I know better.

"Okay, I'm extremely pissed off at you right now and I want to kick your ass till you can no longer spell your name, but since I am the older one I'll give you a chance of explaining to me what is wrong? I bet our parents didn't even consider asking you that question when they kicked you out." he tiredly runs his fingers through his hair and shrugs casually before answering me

"I don't know what you mean, Damon" he responds with his hoarse voice "Everything's going great. I'm having the time of my life."

"You are doing drugs! You are drinking! You are not going at all to school!" I list all the things that are currently the biggest problem

"School is boring" he says carelessly just like before and leans on the chair, grabbing his broken arm with his healthy hand and swallowing hard, something which I notice "I just don't see a point in it."

"You're going to get expelled. Do you realize what you're doing here? You're ruining your entire future over what? Partying with Tyler Lockwood? What the hell is the issue here, Stefan, come on, I am on your side, talk to me! I told you I'll help you convince father that-"

"Nice couch you have over there" he comments instead "I bet it's great to have sex on. Speaking of that, how's that girl you're dating? She was hot, right?" he doesn't pay any attention to my words at all and I angrily run my hands through my hair-he's high and he's crushed, this is just him acting out

"Stefan, I am being serious here. What the hell were you thinking doing drugs?"

"What? As if you weren't getting high when you were in college? Quit judging, brother."

"I wasn't getting high and it's not like you were smoking weed, you were fucking snorting cocaine here. What else have you been taking, huh?" I ask and he grunts annoyed as he stands up and goes by the fridge, taking out another beer.

This time I don't stop him, I just want to get something out of him, so I let him take a sip even if it's just almost the last straw. I knew that he was protecting himself, so I had to provoke him and make him talk somehow

"Damn, you need to get yourself better beer, brother" he responds instead, against ignoring my comment

That was it. I didn't have the strength to deal with him like that. I come by and try taking away the bottle, but this time he's faster and pulls back. I try again and again and the closer I get the more he's stepping back. I grab his hand and he tries getting away, unsuccessfully. The whole thing turns into a really pathetic fight until I press him to the wall and hold him pinned with my arms pressed to his chest-this wasn't time for games.

"Talk to me!" I say again "Please for God's sake. You went through hell, you can't keep pretending that everything fine while you ruin yourself!" I raise my voice and something inside him finally switches, his eyes get darker and angrier and his face hardens

"What do you care? You haven't been around in months!"

"Stefan, come on, you know I've been working really hard. I'm here now, I want to help."

"Fuck you, Damon" he responds instead an pushes me away from him, he's finally ready to get it all out and I'm glad "You and your perfect life, with the perfect job and the perfect girlfriend and your amazing everything!" he yells "Why do you care, huh? What is it? Are you feeling guilty or something? Or did mom talk you into this? I don't want your fucking help, golden boy, I'm doing perfectly fine on my own."

"No, you're not, you're killing yourself!"

"So?" he asks and his question blows me away

"How can you say that?" I ask completely stunned-This is your life you're throwing away, Stefan!"

"And how is that any of your problem? You don't give a shit!" he's brutally honest "Mom doesn't give a shit and we all know that good old dad will just say that he's always expected this of me, so it's alright, Damon, really" he says back to being half sarcastic, but I grab his hand and I pull him back to me just when he's about to leave

"Stefan" I look him in the eyes and I say his name calmly now "I know that you're hurt. I know that you lost everything you dreamt of just because of some drunken college boy who crushed your entire arm into a thousand pieces. I also know that this is you acting out and that the drugs probably not only help you to piss our folks off, but they do a good job with the pain" I nod at his broken hand and he swallows hard, refusing to show me in any way that what I'm saying is true "Please, stay with me for a while. Let me help you, okay? You don't have to go back to mom right away, I'll talk to them."

He looks down at his feet and refuses to give me an answer

"I know you'll never admit that you need help, so I'll take just a squeeze or a nod as a yes right now" I add, because I know how proud he is. He never bothered anyone with his problems. Maybe that's because nobody ever wondered if he has any before. He doesn't move for a minute and my heart clenches with fear that he'll turn around and leave "Come on, brother, let me do this for you. You'll get rid of the drugs and the alcohol."

I let him take another minute or two before he finally looks up and gives me a slight nod. I want to hug him, but I know it's a bit early for that so instead I lead him to the living room and push him down the couch, then sit on the coffee table opposite of him.

He is different now, no longer sarcastic. He's finally showing me his true face and I realize that things are way worse than I thought-he's completely ruined and I can't even imagine what he's been taking, but it surely wasn't good for him.

"When was the last time you ate?" I ask and he shrugs

"Yesterday maybe" he responds with a shrug

"Idiot" I scold him lightly and get up to make him a sandwich. Ten minutes later I'm back and he's squeezing his eyes and holding his hand, which means he's hurting. I put down the plate and swallow hard-I hate that this happened to him.

"Let me see" I say as I reach gently for his hand and take it away from his hurting one. He doesn't want to let me see at first, but then I give him a pleading look and he gives up. I take off his jacket and when I see all the scars on his hand I get so angry that I want to kill the guy who did this to him, but I don't show him that, instead I start gently examining him and when I get to the elbow he yelps out in pain

"Goddammit, leave me alone" he says and when I hear his cry out I let him go

"If you've agreed to the surgery it would've been way better now. With rehab it wouldn't have hurt so much"

"Oh, God, you're using your doctor voice, please just stop" he begs as he lies down and keeps his hand closer to his chest, hugging it

"My doctor voice?" I ask confused and he nods "What do you mean my doctor voice?"

"When you get all serious and annoying."

"I'm just saying is all. I don't want you to be in pain."

"I'm not, now cut it off." he scolds me annoyed, but I feel good, because it's like we're kids again and we're teasing each other

"You're the worst liar, Stefan" I say with a sigh and I look down at him, feeling like I need to do something and protect him. "I will go take my stuff, I can make you this cold bandage that will ease the pain and-"

"No" he cuts me off, clearly annoyed with my brotherly love "I'm fine, I'm just tired" he lies again but I don't wanna hear it. I get to the kitchen and start looking for my medical supplies, but by the time I'm back, he's fallen asleep and he looks so devastatingly tired that I don't have the heart to wake him up.

I cover him with a blanket, making sure he's warm enough and he opens his eyes as I tuck him in.

"Hey, go to sleep, asshole" I joke and ruffle his hair "It will be all better tomorrow, I promise" I say and smile, but he's just staring at me very sad and that breaks my heart "I'll help you and things will get better, okay?" I say and he nods

I stand up and head to my room when I hear his weak voice call me out

"Damon" he says and when I turn I swear I can see the tears in his eyes even if there's barely any light coming from the windows. There's something wrong with the way he was behaving, apart from the rebelling against our parents part.

"Yes, brother?" I ask him and wait for him to finish his thoughts, but he just looks at me for a moment and then shakes his head

"It's nothing. Good night" he changes his mind and I decide not to pressure him anymore tonight. I nod and head back, hoping that tomorrow will be better.

 **Stefan's POV**

I sleep for about an hour before I wake up again from someone leaving a message on Damon's answer machine. I rub my eyes before I rise up and hear the well-known beeping sound, though what surprises me is the voice I hear-it's my mother's.

" _Hey, honey. I wanted just to check in with you. Did you find your brother? I hope you're not wandering the streets in the middle of the night just because of him, especially after you haven't slept in more than thirty hours. I'm telling you, he will come back to us on his own, he doesn't have anything-no money, no place to sleep, he can't do it on his own, so you don't have to worry about this, I'm sure he'll eventually be back, don't get yourself into trouble for him. It's not worth it. Anyway, get some rest please, you looked awful when we last saw each other and send my best to Bonnie. I love you, sweetheart. Your father is looking forward to dinner on Sunday. Wants to hear all about your residency. Have a good night."_

I don't even realize that my eyes are full of tears by the time the message is over. I brush them away angrily and the well-known dull pain in my arm returns for a brief moment, for which I'm glad, because physical pain takes all the emotional one away.

That's what Damon couldn't figure out-I never wanted the surgeries, because it was better to feel that pain, it took my mind off everything else. When it got too hard or I just wanted to forget of what it reminded me of, I took drugs. Drugs were easy and they made everything simple. The pain of my parents hating me disappeared, the fact that Damon has barely been around in the last two years was suddenly insignificant, and the realization that I'll never play football again, which was the only thing that made my life bearable, disappeared into oblivion.

I loved Damon, I really did. But what he did tonight-it was all for nothing. I played a good act on him. I had no intentions of staying here.

I've already set my mind on things-I'm not going to be the good obedient boy anymore, there was no point in it. I was just going to disappear somewhere, get drunk and high and forget all about it. Damon was wrong-as much as I loved him-he was wrong-I was a lost cause.

I've always been, ever since I was born. Nobody ever really wanted me. I remember overhearing my mother and father fight in his office, that happened rarely and when it did it was mostly because of me. He said then that he never wanted me and that if they knew earlier that she was pregnant, she could've gotten an abortion.

All my life, they've always praised Damon. He was the perfect boy. Everything he did was right, everything he aspired to be, was approved. He was doing what he was told and there he was ladies and gentlemen-a doctor at the Whitmore Hospital, fist of his class, straight As throughout his years of study, prizes from competitions, scholarships, he didn't even have to use my dad's money. He found the perfect girlfriend-also a doctor, from a great and well-respected family, who had amazing manners and just the right amount of humor acceptable for a young lady.

And don't get me wrong-Damon deserves this. He really does. He tried. He tried for me, I can give him that, but all his efforts were futile as well-father wouldn't even pay attention to a sentence concerning me or my behavior. And then I guess, he got tired of it all, he went away, he started college, then internship, then residency and while he was climbing up the ladder, I was hitting rock bottom.

And right now I didn't really care about it.

"Don't worry, mom" I say silently in the dark. I know far too well Damon can't hear me, he'll be sleeping for a long time "I won't bring Damon troubles."

I move to the kitchen, grab one of Damon's bags that has his Hospital name on and start shoving some food from the fridge. I stuck two beers in my sweater pocket and shove the rest in the bag. I find a cigarette pack in the bottom drawer, grab a few shirts that are clean from his couch as well as a nice baseball cap. The last thing to do is steal all the money from his wallet, something which he'll hate me for, but I needed it for drugs so I had no choice. I doubted he would understand what it's like to want to forget that your life sucks that much at seventeen. I shove about 300 dollars in my pocket and find a really good bottle of scotch under the coffee table that I decide to take as well.

When I'm done and ready to go, I turn around and a photo on the fridge catches my attention-it's me and him on the football field. He's thrown his arm over my neck and I'm dressed in my jersey with the ball under my arm. I think we made that one a few weeks before the accident after which I was told I can no longer play. My life wasn't happy back then, but it was way better and looking at me and Damon there…I think I actually had one really great day.

I would lie if I say I miss this.

But what hurts more is that I can never have it again.

I already lost everything I cared about. And Damon…Damon has a whole great future in front of him, he'll make an amazing doctor, he'll do great things, save people. He deserves all of it and he surely doesn't need to take care of his little brother who got too fucked up at seventeen.

And I? I was the guy they found dead in some alley from an overdose somewhere, that nobody can recognize for weeks but everyone feel sorry for, because "he's just that young."

I smile as I take the photo off the fridge and fold It carefully, deciding to put it in my shirt's pocket, right next to my heart.

I might be leaving Damon, but that didn't mean I loved him any less.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you all for the reviews and the follows, I really appreciate them! To answer one of the reviewers-well their parents just never wanted to have another kid, it messed up with their plans and they were the type of rich family that was content with having one kid they could pay all the attention to. Stefan turned out to be a troublesome, energetic and disobeying kid and that made things harder too. Anyway, enjoy and I would appreciate your reviews.**

* * *

 **Damon's POV**

I yawn as I fill out another chart and stare at the clock above the door. I was already tired and I wasn't even halfway through my shift. I've only had one surgery today and then my boss said I have to do some paperwork because I was weeks behind on that.

I look at my phone and check if there are any missed calls or new messages-it has become a habit of mine ever since Stefan disappeared. When I woke up the next morning, he was nowhere to be found. He has taken most of the food from my fridge as well as some alcohol and all the money he could find in my wallet. I was mad to no end. I got so angry that I destroyed my room and Bonnie found me sitting next to my bed, crying and drinking bourbon. I was devastated. I thought that I would be able to help him and then I left him all alone and let him leave. I should've never gone to bed. I should've checked on him and warn him not to leave.

Now he was nowhere to be found and it was my fault-mom and dad haven't heard from him at all, but it was me who went to the police station and asked them to start looking for him, because he was missing. I gave a description of the way he was dressed and what he was carrying with him as well as a photo.

That's when I figured out that he has taken the one from the fridge and as much as I was angry with him, I was also sad-I realized that he probably did this because he didn't see another way out.

I began remembering every word we said to each other that night and only when he was gone, did I completely understood what he meant-he has told me a couple of times that he doesn't want to go back to mom and dad's house, that he doesn't see another option, that there is no point. How was I so stupid not to see this?

When he let me talk all those nice words about me helping him and making sure it's all fine, he was just trying to prevent another fight. He didn't want us to fight-he wanted us to spent time together and I did nothing to help him that evening. I just took him away from a party and brought him home and promised him things he didn't want and didn't believe in.

Ever since he disappeared I've been lacking sleep. Sometimes I would wander the streets in desperate need to just find him. I blamed myself for not helping him when he needed me, for not pushing him to do the surgery after the accident, for not taking care of him when no one else did.

Only now did I realize that after he got out of the hospital he was all alone. All alone and in pain. Mother and father did nothing but scold him and tell him it was his fault, that if he hasn't gone to that party, he would've been all good, but now as an addition to everything else, he was also physically scarred.

I called Tyler almost every day, asking him if he's seen Stefan. He wouldn't always pick up but when he did, he said he hasn't seen him since the night I came to his place and oddly I believed him. I think that if Stefan was with Tyler, I would've known by now. But I had no idea where else he could be. Maybe he has left town for a little while, maybe he will come back?

Bonnie kept scolding me for worrying so much. I was doing great with my residency, but I felt like hell from the inside. I was nervous and angry and I made our life miserable. She was trying to help me as much as she could, but as much as I loved her, she couldn't get it-Stefan and I have been through hell because of our parents.

And he…his life has always been harder than mine. I had no idea what's going in his head, but I knew that even if he denied it, he needed help.

"Damon" I look up and see Bonnie leaning on the door frame with a cup of coffee in hand. She smiles as she approaches me slowly. We're both tired by now, but I make a mental note to tell her that she always looks great in her scrubs "Doctor Harper wants us in the ER, said he might need some help"

"Great" I say as I stand up and take the coffee from her as I lean down and give her a kiss on the cheek "I was about to fall asleep here"

"Did you stay up all night again?" she asks concerned as she buries her hand in my hair and I look away, trying to figure out some lie because I didn't want to worry her. We were under so much pressure these days, she didn't need me on top of that

"Oh, no I slept great" I lied and she gave me a serious and angry look "What?" I pretend to be innocent

"You know what." she scolds and I pull away from her, taking a sip of my coffee "You can't keep going on like that. You have to stop blaming yourself. I'm sure that even if he doesn't come home, the police will find him" she tries calming me down, but I shake my head

"You don't know that, Bon" I say sadly, but I'm getting angrier and not at her. At myself. "We have no idea where he is. He might be sleeping on the streets or getting drunk somewhere, or he might've gotten himself in some trouble! He wasn't hanging with the greatest crowd you know? And I can't lie in bed in the evening and feel all good and comfortable when I have no idea where my brother is! I am the only one who cares, do you understand? My parents…they keep repeating that they knew one day this would happen. They are starting to get used to the idea of him being away! They don't want him here!"

"Damon" she shakes her head and I turn my back to her. "Please, don't do this to yourself" she begs again as I feel her embrace my shoulders and raise up to my neck, gently kissing it

"I'm scared, Bonnie" I admit for the first time-I'm freaked out that I'm never going to find him.

"You will" she says with certainty "We will. Together. I promise you, I'm going to help from now on" I look back and see her smiling, then lean closer to her and kiss her forehead. I loved her so much it wasn't real.

After a minute or so in each other's embraces, we finally decided to leave and get to doctor Harper before he has kicked our asses. He was a nice doctor, but he could be very stern sometimes and he liked scolding us or punishing us when we were action like total idiots. He ordered us to stand outside with him and wait for the ambulances to arrive. He was lacking people this evening, there were just about three other interns with us there and I knew it was going to be a busy night.

About ten minutes later three ambulances arrive and the paramedics push out the stretchers. Bonnie and I go to a woman who was in an accident but wasn't badly hurt. There was this biker who fell when he was hit too and we left that for the interns, and I didn't manage to see who was in the third until we heard doctor Harper calling us out

"Damon!" he yelled "Come here, I need help" he begged and I left Bonnie with the injured woman and the other nurse.

When I turned around and saw the familiar blond sticking hair lying helplessly on the stretcher I froze.

 _No. It wasn't him._

It was some other boy. That's not my brother. That's not him.

"Damon!" Harper yelled again and I tried getting out of my state, but it was so hard. He looked just like Stefan. He was Stefan! But he was lying so helplessly there and he was so weak and broken that…it couldn't be my brother. No, Stefan was somewhere at some party getting drunk, but he was fine. This here wasn't my little brother. I refused to believe it.

"DAMON!" Harper yelled this time "What the hell is wrong with you, come here!" he scolded and I rushed by his side, hoping to be wrong.

But as I looked down at the boy lying there with the oxygen mask on his face, I know I am not wrong. He is dressed in a dirty red plaid shirt-God, that was my shirt, I recognized it. He must've taken it when he was in my flat, his lips were blue and he was extremely pain-like he was barely holding on to life

"He overdosed, we have to get him in" I hear Harper say as he moves Stefan's eyelids and flashes a light to check his pupils

"Stefan" I just gasp and grab his hand "Stefan!"

"Do you know him?" Harper asks me surprised as he stares at me. I bet I looked like hell, I was already shaking, trying to lie to myself that this isn't Stefan, it can't be Stefan, but it was him… He was lying there barely alive and what was I doing? Again nothing.

"He's my brother" I responds my voice shaking and I feel like I'm losing all ground underneath me. I feel like I'll lose consciousness

"Damon!" I hear Harper's voice bringing me back "Step aside, right now!" he begs but I don't want to leave Stefan. I keep looking down at him and saying his name and that's all I can do. I'm not even realizing what's going on, I can't process it "Bennett!" I hear him call out Bonnie and when I turn to the entrance I see her coming out of the doors. Our eyes meet and she looks down at the boy lying helplessly next to us and I'm sure that she knows even if she can't see him good. She knows it's him. Even if she's never met him, I've showed her pictures and I suppose she can recognize him.

She rushes by our side, but she doesn't lose herself like I did. I feel like I can't even move. Harper and her move me away and order me to wait in the hallway. I watch them get him inside and I still can't move. He was barely breathing. God, he was half dead. He could die right now and I would be here outside in the cold night.

I squeeze my eyes shut and wait for the tears to come.

But they don't.

There's only fear inside me.

 _And I drown in it._

* * *

It's been two hours since they got him in and I've been impatiently walking up and down the hallway, waiting for someone to just give me something. I've been gripping my phone, hoping to get a call back from mom and dad who were in Europe on a trip while their child was missing.

I hated them so much in this moment, I had no idea I had it in me. They weren't returning my calls even if I was freaking out and on couple of occasions when I saw the nurse leaving the room where they took him, I tried rushing by her side and begging her to give me something but she just shook her head.

I knew the expression on her face though-she was feeling sorry for me, which only meant one thing-Stefan was really bad. If he was fine, she would've given me something, but she refused to do anything at all and disappeared behind the swinging doors as my heart kept pounding in my chest. I knew what they would do to him now, I've seen it and helped with the procedure, but I was hoping that his heart wasn't going to give up on him and leave me here all alone on this earth.

There was one person I hated more than my parents and that was me. I despised myself for leaving him alone. I came back to that evening when I found him getting high and wondered why didn't I search him through-he might've had some pills in him. I should've at least talked to him about it, tried to make it better, convince him that it's not worth it.

Of all the ways I thought I might find him, I never believed that he would end up finding me, not the other way around. I smiled at the irony. He looked so bad. He was dirty, very weak, he was barely alive.

I felt my eyes sting and I buried my face in my hands, trying to hide from the whole world. Why did I let this happen? How could I allow it?

I let a boy get ruined.

I watched them stomp all over him year after year, I watched them blame him for everything, ruin his self-esteem, neglect him, pretend as if he didn't exist.

How could I blame him for what he did? I would want to forget all about it too if I was in his shoes.

"Damon?" I hear the familiar warm voice and look up to see Bonnie standing right next to me. I jump from my seat and she grabs my hands and squeezes them before I could even make a sound "He's fine" she says knowing well enough what I'll ask-He's sleeping.

"What took you so long?" I ask worriedly and she looks away for a moment, not knowing how to tell me what she knows "Bonnie? What is wrong with him?"

"He must've been using drugs really intensely lately to get himself in the condition he was in when they brought him here." she announces and I swallow hard, squeezing my eyes for a moment before I open them again "His heart stopped, but we brought him back."

"Oh, God" I say as I let her go and turn around, burying my hands in my hair and leaning on the wall, needing to lean on something "How damaged are his organs?" I ask as I look back at her and she shrugs

"We're not sure yet" she explains calmly and I sigh. I had no idea what I'm going to do with him. I was all alone and I felt terrible.

"Can I see him?" I ask and look back at her. She nods and approaches me carefully. Doctor Harper is somewhere behind us, talking to the nurse, explaining something

"There's something else" she says carefully and I furrow my eyebrows as I look at her confused "The nurse found out that he was in the Atlanta General hospital about a week ago, getting treated for the same thing."

"No!" I protest. This wasn't true

"Damon-"

"No, no, no! He can't be doing this to himself! This is my brother! This is my little brother!" I say as I stand up and beg her to hear me out. Stefan won't drug himself every damn day, he wouldn't do that, he can't be doing that. My brother, the sweet boy with the messy blond hair, he wouldn't want to leave this world just like this. He would want to at least see me and say goodbye. I refused to believe that he would do such a thing.

I felt her hand on the back of my neck and before I knew it, she was pulling me to her chest, rubbing my back gently and whispering encouraging words in my ear. I wasn't crying, but I was scared. I was so scared for him, even if he was better now, I was still scared.

When I was feeling better, I pulled away, she caught my hand and started pushing me down the hallway to his room. She gave me a few minutes to get myself together before we approached doctor Harper who updated me on Stefan's condition. He pretty much said the same thing Bonnie already did and handed her his chart as he said he's giving me a few free days so I can be with my brother.

We waited until he turned around the corner and I asked for her to give me Stefan's file. I didn't open it right away, instead she pushed the door to his room and when we got inside, the last thing on my mind was the file.

He was lying just as helplessly as before, but at least now there was some color on his face. He was still very pale and the beeping monitors were freaking me out even if I've seen them a thousand times before that and I was used to them measuring people's heartbeats.

But now that wasn't just some random person-now it was my brother and he almost died, because he overdosed with drugs we didn't even knew the names of. God knows what he took and I knew that it won't be until tomorrow for the lab to give us his blood tests.

As I watched him so broken there, I realized that I've been acting all wrong. I couldn't be weak when he was so ruined. I had to protect him, to make sure he's fine, to help him recover. Once again, I was doing the wrong thing-I had to be strong for him, I had to help him and unlike the rest of the people in the waiting room, I was actually capable of doing something as I was a doctor. I approached his bed, sat next to him and grabbed his hand, but I couldn't look him in the face right now as I was afraid I'll break down after I've just given myself a speech about getting my shit together, so instead I stared at the monitors.

"His heartbeat is too weak" I say observingly and turn to her, watching her nod

"It will get stronger" she says, trying to calm me down, but I don't need her consolation now. If anyone's needing help, it's Stefan, not me.

I open up his file and look at the information they've put down, turning on my brain and remembering everything I know from the books about drugs and patients who OD. I read it through and ask Bonnie here and there when I see something I don't like or disapprove.

"So we don't know how bad the damage to his heart is?" I ask again and she shakes her head as she comes to his other side and patiently checks the monitors, then turns to me and the file I'm holding "Well judging by his vitals, he's not doing great."

"Why don't we just wait until he wakes up so we can talk to him, find out what he took and make more tests to decide what to do?" she says in the same calm way while I'm only getting more frustrated

"Because waiting is what got me here in the first place, Bonnie" I say a bit harsh and I hate myself for taking it out on her "I waited all those years. I patiently observed as they ruined him. He is here now, because my parents completely destroyed him. It wasn't the drugs-it was them. He just wanted to forget everything they did to him. Everything we did to him. My ignorance in the past years surely helped him take the decision to drunk and drug himself to oblivion every night." I squeeze his hand gently.

He doesn't move at all and when I look down, I realize once again how barely alive he looks to me. He used to be a sunny energetic kid, who followed me everywhere and wouldn't leave me alone until I agreed to play with him and now what? Now he was barely breathing and we didn't even know how bad he actually was.

"I'll leave you two alone" she comments and squeezes my shoulder one last time, because she doesn't know what else to say anymore and I don't either "Try to rest some. I'll be here if you need me."

I put my hand over hers and grant her my best smile at the moment.

"Thank you, Bonnie."

When she leaves me alone with Stefan and I'm sure the door is closed, I stand up and lean down. I give him a fatherly kiss on the forehead and bury my hand in his dirty blond hair, trying to prevent the tears in my eyes from falling.

 **Stefan's POV**

I slowly open my eyes and the bright light coming from the ceiling is making me blink a few times. I rub them slowly and grunt loudly-I feel like they just hit absolutely every part of my body with a wooden club and left me to die. My head hurt like hell and my arm, as usually was feeling so damn numb that I couldn't lift my hand to my face.

I groan frustrated again and look around until I realize that I must be in a hospital. There are beeping machines somewhere above me and I'm hooked up to some stuff, but I know right away that I have to get out of here, before they've decided to call my parents if they haven't found out who I was by now.

I take a minute to remember what was the last thing that happened. I think I was at this party in the outskirts of Whitmore. I wasn't even planning on getting close to home or Damon, but it's just how it happened. There were drugs. Too much drugs. I can't even remember good what happened.

I had to get out of here as soon as possible before someone has found me. I had to run as far away as possible. I didn't want to hear any of my father's bickering or my mother's fake concern, but most of all, I didn't want to see Damon, because that would break me and make things more complicated than I wanted them to be.

I slowly raise myself up, but everything hurts too damn much. My hand is so numb that I can barely move it and yet somehow with my healthy one, I manage to take off everything that I'm hooked with and toss it aside. I see my clothes folded on a chair in the corner and I take a deep breath-I had to get up. I had to get myself up.

Okay, I could do this. I had to do this, because I couldn't let anyone find me. I had to disappear, maybe grab a beer and forget all the awful memories that are currently coming back, I had to forget all the pain.

I try to get on my feet, but I can't keep myself together and a loud yelp escapes my lips-I feel like something inside me is breaking and I can't stop it and just as I'm about to try to swallow it down and get to my clothes the door opens and I turn around angrily that I've been caught.

And then when I see who it is, everything goes to hell.

"Stefan!" he yells angrily as he sees me barely supporting myself by gripping the bed

"Oh, no" I say with my hoarse voice and look away. I refuse to look him in the eyes. I can't. "No, no, no, goddammit." I curse, angry that he's found me.

He probably knew I was here all along. It now makes sense why there was a chair pulled up next to my bed-he must've been here all night and this must be the hospital he works in.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he asks angrily and I hear him rush by my side. He grabs my bad arm and tries to pull me back to bed "Come on, you shouldn't be up at all" he scolds, but I can sense the shaking in his voice. He was broken. I broke him.

"No" I say trying to protest, but I don't have strength right now and I let him put me back in bed. He pushes me down to the pillows and covers me up.

He's angry, very angry but he's trying to cover it by dealing with what I just ruined and trying to hook me back to the machines

"No, I don't want that" I say and try to raise my hand, but it just falls back lifelessly on the bed and I curse it. That catches his attention because he stops doing what he was and sits on the bed next to me. I avoid his look right away and instead focus on my clothes still there on the chair, wishing I could get dressed up and leave.

"Stefan, look at me" he says a bit sternly, but I shake my head in return "Look at me!" he demands

"No!" I say out loud "I won't!"

"Come on, please" he begs and I feel him picking up my bad hand and wrapping his strong fingers around it "Stefan" he tries again "Do you know what happened?"

"I don't want to know what happened" I respond angrily and try to pull away, but my hand won't listen to me

"Your so called friends called an ambulance after they realized you were barely breathing on the floor and then by the time the paramedics were there, they were gone" he says and I just shrug, not really caring about this

"I want to go" I beg, but I know he won't listen

"Stefan" he says again "You almost died. Your heart stopped. We don't even know what the damage is. You're not going anywhere, not anymore. I've called mom and dad and I'm not letting you out of my sight." I laugh out loud and that surprises him for a moment until I finally look back at him and shake my head in his direction

"Good job, Damon" I praise him "You've once again proved that you're the golden boy. I'm sure mom and dad are thrilled that you found your poor junkie brother and played the big savior."

"Cut it off!" he warns "Come on, I'm on your side, talk to me!" he says and I look back at him for a moment, realizing how tired he really looked. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked crushed.

I felt bad for doing this to him. I hated myself for it, which was another reason why I should leave

"Please, kiddo, let me help you!" I sigh as I try to pull my arm away from him. He lets me go and I groan from the pain I feel, but try to hide it. I didn't want to talk, not at all. He puts his hands on my arm and asks me where it hurts, but I don't let a word out, I just say I'm fine and he gives it up.

"Where were you, Stefan?" he asks sincerely "I've been trying to find you for more than a month."

"What does it matter?" I ask instead and look him for a moment before I focus back on the wall left from me "It's not like you care."

"Of course I care! I love you, I was worried sick when I woke up and found out you were nowhere to be seen!" his honesty ruins me more than I want to admit.

I hate myself for the pain I caused him. I've been trying to push him away and stop thinking about him, but he was my brother and he was the only one who ever cared for me.

"Oh yes? You weren't disgusted that I stole money and food from you? The thought of mom and dad being right all this time didn't pass through?" I ask and he shakes his head seriously in my direction.

"What were you doing, Stefan? Why are you doing it most importantly? Why are you taking drugs and trying to kill yourself?"

"I'm not, I'm just having fun" I lie and I feel him getting angrier

"Were you having fun again about a week ago when you were in the Atlanta General hospital after you ODed again?" he asks and I swallow hard. He knew everything "Cut the crap, Stefan. I want real answers. You are not just having fun or pulling up a stunt for mom and dad. You're seriously ruining your life. You are killing yourself and you act like you don't care."

"It's for the better" I say silently and look away

"What?" he says surprised" What are you talking about?"

"It's for the better, Damon, you will see" I say and I finally turn and look him in the eyes. He is sad, but most of all he is confused, he wants answers "I was never supposed to be born, I know that. I've overhead mom and dad talk about it more than once. They don't love me, they never really wanted me and that's okay. If you were my kid, I wouldn't want another one either" I say as I feel my eyes fill with tears, but I hold them back "Once I'm gone all that responsibility that you feel to make things right with me will be gone and you won't have to worry about me at all."

"Stefan!" he says as he stands up angrily, but I shaky my head at him

"I don't want to go back home, Damon" I admit "Please, don't let mom and dad take me back home. Just let me go, I promise I'll run far away and you won't ever have to see me again, just please, let me go. Just let me go."

"No!" he disagrees stubbornly "You are not going anywhere! I am not letting you go."

"Damon, I can't go back to that hell, I need to-" I try again, but he is angrily pacing up and down the room and when he hears me try convince him again he turns around abruptly

"NO!" he yells out "No, no, no! I am not losing you, never again! I am going to fight for you, do you understand! I am going to help you get over your addiction, I'll help you get better, I'll try to take all the pain away, but I am not losing you anymore. I won't let mom and dad do anything to you!"

"I don't want you to do this. I can take care of it myself" I say and he smiles sadly

"You are seventeen. You're just a boy. You're not supposed to be dealing with any of this."

"I don't want you involved" I stubbornly try to disagree

"I am not asking you" he responds as he sits back down and now I'm the one to get angry

"Why are you so damn bent on doing this? I told you I don't need your help!"

"Because I love you, idiot! You are my brother, I am never leaving you alone again!" he yells out frustrated that I can't get his point and I swallow hard at his words.

We stare at one another for a few minutes and I know my eyes are full of tears, because I can barely see anything. I can't remember the last time he said those words. I think we must've been kids and I can't recall anyone telling me that they loved me after that.

It has always been Damon-ever since I was a kid, he was constantly giving me his love, reminding me that he's there, praising me for being smart and good enough when there was no one to do so.

I don't know what to do, because I surely can't allow him to see the tears in my eyes, but he doesn't give me the chance to react, he sits on the bed, gently grabs my shoulder and pulls me to his chest, hugging me tight.

 **Damon's POV**

I hug Stefan tightly and let his tears wet my shirt. I am just so happy to have him in my embrace-he was alive, and yes he was barely hanging on, but he was here with me and I would protect him no matter what. I was serious when I told him all those things-I loved him and I would never leave him alone again.

"Come on, lie back down, you need rest" I begged him once I felt him calming down. He reluctantly let me go and slowly buried himself in the pillows. I pulled the blanket up and made sure he was alright.

"Thank you, Damon" he said with his very hoarse voice and I smiled as I grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently

"It's okay" I respond and give him a minute to get himself together before I swallow hard and decide to ask him the question that's been bugging me all night

"Stefan" I called him out and he opened his eyes just after he has decided that he's too tired and needs rest "I need to know what you've been taking, so we can decide how to treat you, alright?" I ask and he swallows hard

"I…uh, I've been taking…many things"" he says uncomfortably and looks at me carefully, afraid that I'll start yelling and scolding him "Damon, I…"

"What things? Cocaine? Heroine? What?"

"Yes, that. And pills, different pills, I'm not even sure what half of them were" he admits and I swallow hard, imagining him trying to forget all the terrible things that happened by swallowing a bunch of pills or snorting cocaine like that night I found him

"Alcohol?"

"Yes. Scotch mostly. And beer." he admits and looks away uncomfortably, refusing to meet my stare. I can't believe that he's been ruining himself like this just because he felt the need to feel less pain, to forget all there is about his family.

We were supposed to be his rock, his save place to always come home to and instead we drove him away and send him off to the hands of some drug dealers whose hands were bloody with the dead kids they killed.

"And that evening? Do you remember what you took?" I ask again and he shakes his head. I believed him, he was really bad, I doubted he could give us any information, but that was fine. We could wait for the blood tests and then I'm sure we would find a way to help him feel better. "It's fine. I'll go talk to the doctor and deal with the paperwork, you get your rest, okay?" I say, but he grabs my hand and pulls me back with the little strength he has

"Damon" he is pleading "Please, I…" and I knew what he wanted to see just by looking at him.

He was so sad and broken, but he was also scared. He didn't want to be alone. All he wanted was someone to hold his hand, that was enough for him, he wasn't asking to be saved, he was asking for someone's shoulder to lean on even if it was for a few minutes

"Okay, then I'll stay" I promise and sit down on the chair next to him, holding his hand in mine and watching as he drifted off.

In less than ten minutes he is sleeping soundly and I'm watching his chest rise and fall slowly, which scares the hell out of me.

He is lying so broken on this bed, with his strangely hanging from his shoulder arm, to his pale face and his barely alive body-he was weak when I opened the door and found him trying to get away, he couldn't even stand on his feet. He probably hasn't eaten in days.

I turn my look left to the chair sitting in the corner and for some reason I decide to stand up and take his nicely folded shirt, which was actually mine.

I pick it up and hold it in my hands, thinking how much bigger it is for him and how small he looked in it when they drove him here. When I try to fold it back and put it in its place, some paper falls from the pocket and as I furrow my eyebrows I lean down to pick it up.

When I turn it over, I realize that it's the photo that was hanging on my fridge. I swallow hard and toss the shirt on the chair, forgetting all about it and focusing on the two smiling boys in the picture. Watching Stefan so happy and full of life, it was like a different person from the one lying in the bed next to me.

I sat back on the chair and stared at the photo for a while. I had to pick him up from this hole he has gotten himself into. I had to do something about the drugs. I knew he was taking them only because he was unhappy and wanted to forget the fact that he won't have the life he wanted for himself-he wouldn't be able to get a scholarship or play for his favorite team.

But there were other things he could do-he was smart, more than he knew, it was just that nobody believed in him. No one but me. I'll help him pick himself up and one day he'll be all better. I won't let mom and dad take him away, because that was obviously the last thing he wanted. Maybe that's what pushed him into the drugs in the first place.

I turned the photo on the other side and I was surprised to see that he has written something there. I immediately recognized his handwriting and I swallowed hard before I started reading.

 _I sincerely hope that it's Damon who finds this photo in my pocket and I suppose that if it's him then I'm no longer alive. If it's someone else holding it, then please, stop reading for you will never really understand what I mean and please if you can give it to him. He is the only one I would ever feel the need to talk to._

 _Now, to my brother:_

 _Hello, Damon. I've really missed you. I am sorry if unfortunate circumstances were the reason for our reunion. I am sorry that I'm dead and that I'm leaving you all alone in this awful world. I'm sure you hate me right now and I wouldn't blame you-I did many bad things to you and I surely hurt you a lot. I know it's a very cliche thing to say and you wouldn't want to listen to me, but please don't blame yourself-none of this is your fault just like it wasn't mine that I was born. If you're thinking that you could've stopped me the last time I was at your place, you were wrong. I would've found ways, because I just can't live with myself right now. I often wonder how different everyone's lives would've been if I was never born-yours, would surely be easier. Don't feel sorry for me, you know, I'm in a better place. I love you and I hope I really see you again one day._

 _Love,_

 _Stefan_

I can't even catch my breath, so I decide to leave the room and get some fresh air. He's still sleeping soundly when I leave and I find myself running for the bathrooms.

When I get there I splash some water on my face and sit down on the floor, trying to cool myself, but I just end up crying and rereading the letter over and over again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Stefan's POV**

I wake up from someone's loud noises in the hallway and when I open my eyes I realize that it's a new day. I look around and when I don't find Damon anywhere near me, my heart clenches. Maybe last night was all a dream and he never promised me all those things, maybe I've just imagined them and he wasn't ever here, but then I remembered clearly how angry he was with me taking the drugs and then asking me about them.

That had to be real right?

The voices are getting louder and I feel myself sweating, but it's not until the person who it belongs to finally opens the door and rushes right in the room, that I realize why I was so terrified-it was my father.

He was dressed in his perfect grey suit with nicely ironed white shirt underneath and a red tie on and the nurse was trying to prevent him from getting in.

I raised myself up the minute I saw him and started pulling back-afraid that he'll do something to me. Afraid that he'll be as awful as he was the last time we spoke. His face was red with anger and he was yelling.

"Sir, I'm sorry but you have to wait, he needs rest" she tries to stop him, but my father just shakes her gentle hand from his shoulder and grabs the metal bedside with his strong hands.

"You ungrateful little bastard! Do you know how long we've been trying to find you! Do you know what you did to your mother? To me? We 've been desperately trying to find your whereabouts and for what? You were just getting high in some pothole god knows where without giving a second to think about what you are doing to us!"

"Father" I say and I feel a certain tightness in my chest. I can't breathe and my hand is so weak, I am barely supporting myself as I move further and further away from him, but he doesn't want to listen to a word I'm saying

"That's it! Your mother and I, we are done! How could you do this? And your brother? You ruined your brother's life? Do you know how many nights he spent trying to find you?" he didn't want to even listen to me and no matter how many times I tried to open my mouth and interrupt him, it was futile, but the worst thing was, that he was approaching me and I was afraid of him, the nurse was gone and I was all alone with him

"All those years spent in efforts to make you a decent person and you run off and disgrace the family name by doing drugs and getting yourself drunk. I have never in my life been more ashamed! NEVER!"

"Father, I-" I try again, but he approaches me and grabs my hospital gown, pulling me up closer to his face. I'm so scared, I usually didn't think twice about talking back to him, but after last time, I just wasn't as brave

"You can't do one thing right, Stefan. You never could. I've never been more embarrassed in my life!"

"Say it, father!" I respond this time with a fake laugh "You wanted me dead, right?" he stares at me for a while, surprised by my words and I feel that it's so much harder for me to breathe.

The tightness in my chest is growing and I my ears are ringing, something isn't right, but I don't care

"Me and your mother are sending you off to boot camp. You are going to learn how to behave! I will not let you do this to our family and I will succeed even if it's the last thing on earth I do!" he swears in my face and I want to talk to back, I actually have a pretty good line in my head, but suddenly it all goes dark before me and I can't catch my breath at all.

The last thing I remember is his angry face staring at me-the almighty Giuseppe Salvatore, who was so damn angry at me. The tightness in my chest makes it so hard for me to breathe and I give up, letting the darkness consume me.

The next thing I know is that I hear someone's whispering next to me and when I open my eyes I'm in a different room. Damon is talking to another girl near the door. He's nervous and she's trying to calm him down, while he says something about results and heart and groan escapes my lips and they both turn to me right away.

"Stefan!" my brother yells relieved and rushes by my side. My chest hurts and when I look down I see two burnt marks there "You woke up."

"Dam-on" I say slowly and I realize that it's hard to speak up. He grabs the glass of water and helps me take a few sips. The girl approaches us as well, but she comes to my other side and smiles at me. I try to respond with the same, but the pain doesn't let me fully commit to it.

"What happened?" I ask and look back to my brother who furrows his eyebrows and looks away angrily

"Your heart stopped again." he says, concern evident in his voice.

"Why?" I asked and they both exchange worried glances, not knowing what and how to say it "Damon?"

"Because it's very weak and father probably only increased your blood pressure." he says it seriously but I don't want to dig deeper into this. I don't want him to worry, so I decide it's better if I change the subject. Yes my heart stopped again, I almost died again, but I didn't. I was here and he was here and I wanted to make the best out of it.

"Yeah, he can do that" I joke and he attempts at giving me a light smile "So, will you finally introduce me to your beautiful girlfriend or will I have to do this myself?" I ask and he finally chuckles while the girl slightly blushes

"Bonnie, my brother Stefan. Stefan-my girlfriend Bonnie" he says and I stretch out my healthy hand to her taking her small but steady one in.

I didn't want to think or talk about my condition, or father or the fact that I was too weak and broken, I just wanted to be with Damon and the people he loved mattered to him so that meant they were also important to me.

"Tell me, how is this idiot treating you? He better be nice or I'll kick his ass" I joke and she chuckles at my words while Damon pretends to be angry, but he's enjoying this and I knew it "I wonder how you live with him. That must be one hell of a challenge."

"Maybe you can give me some tips, you've spent his entire life with him" she says as she sits on the bed next to my legs and Damon does the same, only on the other side

"Yeah, well, he steals socks" I say seriously, like I'm deeply offended by this fact and both her and Damon laugh out loud "What? I'm serious! I swear to God, whenever I got up and started getting ready for practice there wasn't a single pair in my drawer, all because good old Damon lost his and took mine. For the billionth time! Boys in the locker room made fun of me all the time."

"You're fun, I like you" she says with a smile as she stands up "But you have to rest, okay? Try to relax now, you've been through a lot. Damon, I'll be upstairs getting ready to go home." she then turns to him and he gives her a kiss on the cheek

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Why don't you go with her?" I ask as I watch her leave and he shakes his head. He looked awful, as if he hasn't slept in days and I hate myself for doing this to him. Father was right-I was ruining his life.

"Because I'm going to stay here, with you and make sure that you're fine. You need to be monitored in case that heart of yours decides to pull stunts again" he says it causally but I can see right through him-he was scared as hell from losing me again.

"But you look like shit" I oppose

"Oh, well, so do you, brother" I watch him settle down on the chair next to me

"You should go home, I feel all better now. Plus father isn't here so I'm sure it will all be fine."

"Yes, about that" he stares at his feet for a moment before he looks back up and gets all serious "You want to tell me what happened?"

"He told me he wants to take me to boot camp" I say casually and he shakes his head much to my surprise

"No, I'm not talking about that. I know all about it. We had a big fight after father almost cost you your life and I kicked him out." I can't even process the words he's saying

"You what?" I say confused and try to rise up a little, but I'm too weak so instead I just look at him surprised

"I kicked them out. They wanted to take you away from me and I wasn't going to allow this. I promised that I'll take care of you and I will."

"Damon…you-I… you shouldn't have done this! They love you and they would do anything for you. I don't want you ruining your bond with them because of me." I try to protest, but he shakes his head and furrows his eyebrows

"Let me worry about all this"

"But-"

"Stefan!" he cuts me off and I give it up, because there's no point in trying to fight him.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a second, trying to calm myself down and think over everything he just said. He got into a fight with our parents because of me? He shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't feel the obligation to take care of me. I would be fine on my own. His life is great now, he's going places, he has his residency, he doesn't need to take care of his junkie of a brother-I need to know something else, though-he speaks up after a few minutes or so have passed in silence. I open my eyes and look at him

"What happened the last time you were in a fight and he kicked you out?"

"Nothing" I say too fast and he smiles

"I have to know. What did he do, Stefan? You were so scared of him. You didn't want to see any of them or go back. So what did he do? Did he hurt you?" he is desperately digging into a matter that I don't want to discuss and I swallow hard, wondering how to get away with it

"Damon!" I warn him and take my hand away from his and try to turn my back to him, unfortunately unsuccessfully because he puts his hand on my shoulder and pushes me back

"Tell me! Did he hit you? What exactly did he do to you? Why are you so afraid?" that's my brother for you. He just won't drop it.

"It doesn't matter anymore" I try to talk him out of this even now, but she won't have it

"It does to me! I need to know. Did he hurt you?" I swallow hard, but he tightens his grip on my shoulder and I have no choice but to look him in the eye "Did he hurt you?" he asks again not as patiently as before as he was desperate for an answer

I nod slowly and look away refusing to give him any proper explanation. He sees the sadness in my eyes and lets go of me, realizing that he hurt me with those questions and that I didn't want to talk. He's angry I can see it in his eyes, but he tries to swallow down his feelings and instead looks away ashamed of himself.

"Oh, come on, it's not a big deal. He hit me a few times and kicked me outside. It's nothing he hadn't done before." I say and the minute I do, I realize that I shouldn't have. Damon's eyes go dark and he stands up from the bed, as if he's ready to fight someone

"Damon, please" I beg him "It's alright, really. I don't want us to fight now."

"When did he do it before?" he is relentless, he won't let it go and I swallow hard, refusing to share any of this with him, I've promised myself that I'll never do it. It never crossed my mind, because I didn't think he would believe me in the first place-he had his arguments with father, but he loved him

"Stefan, tell me" he demands but I shake my head

"We won't talk about this" I say seriously and turn my back to him, pulling the blanket up my chin "I'm tired, I want to sleep" I lie instead and he puts his hand on my shoulder, which means he's not ready to give up on this right now "Damon, give it up. I can't do this now" I am being sincere and when he hears it he gives up with a loud sigh.

I know he's angry, because he leaves the room probably to clear his head and I can't blame him. If father loved me as much as he loved Damon, I wouldn't want to believe that this is real, that he's capable of hurting someone else.

If I have to be honest, it was only that worst the first time. He was angry with me coming home drunk one night, late after midnight and he kept pushing me to the wall-he was very strong and he quickly grabbed my shirt and pressured me, without giving me the chance to move at all.

Then later on I started struggling, fighting him back, not very successfully, but at least it was something. Whenever something like this happened I was always glad that Damon is not there to witness it-I knew it would break his heart and I had no intentions of standing between him and our parents, which was something that obviously happened now.

He came back a few hours later with my food and demanded that I ate even if I wasn't hungry at all. I had no choice but to listen to him and do as he says.

"Please, stop staring at it and just eat. You need it" he scolds as he sits down while I frown at the meal that I can't even name

"But, Damon, it's…gross!" I complain and he furrows his eyebrows angrily, which only makes me stare back down at it concerned and shrug my arms. I try to swallow another bite but I'm not very successful at it and he obviously takes pity on me because he digs up something from the paper bag he's carrying and hands me a big warm bagel. I smile surprised and take it from him, digging in right away

"I thought you weren't hungry" he responds with a smile and I groan in his direction

"You were doing this on purpose!" I complain "Asshole!" he laughs out loud and ruffles my hair, taking out another one from the bag when I was done. I eat only half of it before I get too tired and sleepy and I lie back down

"Hey, listen, I'll have to work tomorrow because we're short on staff, so I'll see you in the evening, but the doctor will come and take you for some tests, so behave! I'll know if you don't, alright!" he warns and I immediately get sad. I didn't want to be alone tomorrow, but I had to deal with it and put on my brave face for Damon

"When will you discharge me?" I ask and he shrugs

"I want to make sure you're fine first. Your heart stopped twice in the past two days. It's better if we observe you. Now be a good little brother, listen to what the nurses say and try not to be an ass."

"But I am never an ass!" I protest and he tilts his head to the side "I am not!"

"Stefan…you can't remember this, but when you were a baby, you threw your toys on the floor and make me pick them up every time just because it was that funny for you."

"I was a child!"

"You're not that old right now either" he jokes and I attempt to slap him, but he escapes me and gets to the door "Bonnie will come by to check you tomorrow, alright? Be nice!"

"Stop saying that!" I yell back and he laughs, closing the door behind me. But before he left home, he passed by the window, just as I was falling asleep again and waved at me. I smiled and closed my eyes, thinking that tomorrow will be better.

I woke up grumpy and in pain-my arm was killing me for some reason, but at least nothing else hurt. I remember the nurses coming up a few times during the night and I hated that they woke me up, because I couldn't fall right back and I was very tired.

* * *

I was just about to get up and walk around the room when Bonnie entered the room with a file in her hand

"And what exactly do you think you're doing, mister?" she asks and is immediately ready to scold me. I groan frustrated and try to get on my feet despite her being here. I wouldn't give up when I was already sitting-I was practically halfway there

"It hurts so I thought that if I get up and walk around a bit I'll feel better" I decide not to lie to her, because she wasn't Damon after all and I am right-she doesn't get all worried or scold me like he would. She patiently leaves the folder on the table and comes by my side

"Did you get any sleep at all?" she says as she checks up my vitals and I shake my head "What hurts?" I stare down at my arm and she looks at it curiously.

I didn't know what Damon told her about my injury, I wasn't even sure what she knew about me in the first place-I was never there in the few moments she came to visit us. It was mostly because of our parents who insisted that they meet Damon's perfect girlfriend-I was avoiding family gatherings, mainly because all my father did was praise my brother and treat me like I didn't exist, which is what I hated most in the world. Bonnie seemed nice to me, even if I didn't know her-Damon really got lucky with her.

"I can't…" I begin embarrassed "I can't hold anything or move it at all sometimes in the morning." she furrows her eyebrows and grabs the plastic cup from the table next to us and then gently takes my hand raising it up because I just can't keep it too stable for long. She wraps my fingers around it carefully and then looks up

"Hold it for as long as you can, okay?" she asks and I nod.

Her hand leaves mine and less than twenty seconds the cup is on the floor, my hand is shaking alongside my dignity and I look away from her, trying to hide my embarrassment, but as I think about it, I'm more angry than anything and she sees it

"It's okay" she tries calming me down and takes my hand in hers again, checking it out and applying pressure to some places. I try pulling away from her when the pain becomes unbearable, but her grip is tight and she doesn't want to let me go.

She's not taking any of my shit unlike Damon, who is all about protecting me and making sure I'm fine. I like her, even if she's currently bringing me pain

"You'll need surgeries when your heart is more stable, you were told that right?"

"I don't want any surgeries" I oppose and take my hand away. She doesn't argue with me, she just sighs as if she's annoyed with my stubbornness, but helps me stand up and decides we can take a small walk outside in the hallway. I'm way more unstable than I thought, but she's strong and she's helping me keep myself up.

"So, what's on your mind, kid?" she asks as she sees me lost in thoughts and I smile sadly as I shake my head "Come on, tell me!"

"I was one of the best quarterbacks in the state, I was running on that field and nothing could stop me, I was playing with all my heart." I say sadly and she looks up at me, because I'm so much taller than her and yet she's so much more tougher than me "Now I can't even hold a damn plastic cup and my heart is giving out on me every other day. It's just funny is all" I had only one thing on this earth I was good at and I lost it all over my own stupidity.

"I'm sure that's not true" she opposes and I smile politely looking away from her "I'm sure you made your parents very proud" I laugh as she says that and she gives me a surprised look

"Damon hasn't shared much with you about our time growing up together, huh?" I ask and she shakes her head "Oh, well, I guess it's better if you live in oblivion."

"Can I ask you something?" she says and I nod surprised by her wanting to find something out about me. I stop because I need to rest and she stands by me, keeping me stable "Why did you started taking drugs?"

"It's simple" I explain "I lost everything. There wasn't anything else I carried inside but pain and I wanted that pain to be gone. The drugs took it away. It was that easy."

"Did you ever think about Damon? About what he'll do if you die?" she wasn't accusing me, she was just asking if it every passed through my mind.

"I did" I say honestly and I can see that she hasn't expected to hear that-I'm not heartless, I love my brother more than anyone in the world. He's the only one who ever cared about me.

"Then you have a reason to stop doing it" she suggests and I nod agreeing silently with her, because I don't want to dig deeper into this matter.

We take a few more steps and then she stops abruptly next to me. I look at her and then I realize she's somewhat startled. It's not until I realize what or more like who's she staring at that I understand why.

My mother is walking down the hallway in all her glamour, serious and stern as usual-her walk is fast and her posture straight. She's dressed in a nice brown pencil skirt and a white shirt as if she's back in her twenties-and even if we had our disagreements, I can't say that she looked way younger than she actually was.

I immediately know that she's here to talk to me for some reason and I know it can't be good, but she gives her best play for Bonnie, smiles and greets her, even hugs her and kisses her, which almost makes me wish my heart could give up on me again right now.

"I see you're helping, Stefan, that is so nice of you" she says and throws me fake worried glances "He scared the hell out of us."

"He will be better in a few days" Bonnie promises with a smile, but I can see she is carefully observing my mother. Maybe my words make her think on it-Damon might've not told her much, but Bonnie is smart and she can pick up that my mother's behavior is not sincere

"We'll have to make some tests soon, so maybe you should come later?" she suggests, but my mother won't give up on her goal that easy

"Oh, no I won't take long, I just want to talk to Stefan for a few minutes and I'll leave you to it" she promises and Bonnie throws me a worried look, asking if she should allow this.

I swallow hard, but decide that I'll face this as a man and give her a slight nod. She sighs and leaves my side, slowly making her way down the hallway

"Thank you, Bonnie." my mother adds cheerfully trying once again to prove how amazing she is.

Then she comes by my side and roughly grabs my arm

"We have to talk" her voice is different, colder, very stern, but what really hurts me is the fact that she's not at all worried about me even if she knew how much I went through this past few days "Let's go in your room" she's surprisingly calm even if I'm not and that means that she has nothing good to tell me.

She rushes me back in and then lets me get to my bed alone while she closes the door and pulls the curtains down so nobody can hear or see us. My mother was insane when it came to other people knowing our family affairs. That's why she was so angry with me-I was getting drunk and drugged every other hour-I was a walking talking disaster who embarrassed the family-and she couldn't take it, that's why she grew to hate me even more in the past few months.

"I had an interesting chat with your brother last night" she begins as she settles down on the chair opposite of me. I decide not to lie down and instead sit and listen to her carefully even if my arm still hurts "He called me and accused your father of beating you. Said that he'll never let us take you anymore and he'll be the one dealing with you and helping you."

"I don't suppose that this was bad news for you, mother" I say sincerely and she furrows her eyebrows "All you ever wanted was to get rid of me. Now you can have this"

"I won't do that if it means you'll ruin Damon's life."

"Excuse me?" I ask more than surprised. I thought that this was all going to be about me and here we are discussing my brother.

I read the pain in her eyes-she hated Damon rejecting her last night. I don't know what they talked about, but it obviously hurt her and now she hated me because of it-I was the reason for it. Her favorite son was turning against her and she couldn't survive it.

"Look, boy" she rarely uses my first name lately, just like father "We've made many compromises when it comes to you. We tried giving you a good life, we signed you up for the best school possible, we wanted to make something out of you, but you keep playing your little game and claiming to be the poor brother who nobody loves. Well, I guess that's not too far from the truth-despite everything you did, I never thought I'll be that disappointed in my own son, but I guess that happens too."

"Will you cut to the chase and tell me why you're here. I've heard this speech many times" I say pretending that her words hadn't hurt me at all, even if they've actually dug a hole in my chest

"I'm not here for you" she claims sternly "I'm here for Damon. And I know you will listen to me, because even though you claim to hate me and your father, I know that you love and care for him" I nod, deciding to be honest with her "You do realize that staying with him will only completely ruin his life?" she asks

"How will that happen?" I let out a fake laugh

"Well, he is already too worried for you-in the past few days, he hasn't worked at all and that's only now. He's in the beginning of his career, he's a great doctor and he'll be even greater, unless you stay with him and ruin all his chances. Let me tell you how it will go-he'll take you in his home, open his flat for you, he'll share everything with you and make sure that you're fine. He'll start neglecting even his girlfriend, his work, taking care of himself even, because he'll need to make sure you're fine" she says seriously and I feel like with every word, I lose ground underneath me

"You'll get better. More than that-you'll start taking advantage of him" I furrow his eyebrows here "Then you'll start going out, getting drunk or drugged again, because that's just what you do. He'll try, he really will-he'll get you back to school and try to help you, but he's only that powerful and because he's good, he won't be able to fix you."

"Oh, so I need fixing now?" I ask and she nods quite seriously as if she's wondering why I'm even asking that question

"He'll start getting late night calls from your friends, begging him to pick you up because you are not yourself or a police call saying that you got in some trouble. He'll start missing work, or taking too many days off until one day his boss will tell him that he has to look for a residency in another place. By that point you'll already be back to your usual self-destructing self, only this time you'll be taking him down with you." I swallow hard and try very hard to keep my eyes on her, because I don't want to show her how week I am

"So your solution to this problem is sending me to boot camp?" I ask as I swallow hard. I realize that she's right. I don't want her to be, but she's probably right-she described everything so vividly, I could see it right before my eyes-I'll ruin Damon and Bonnie's life. I'll take away all his dreams and they'll disappear in the void like mine did-in a flash.

He'll lose all ground underneath him and one day, he-the only person who ever loved me-will hate me too for what I did to him.

"That was your father's suggestion" she says and waits to see my reaction. She's obviously happy that I'm considering everything she said

"And yours, mother?"

"I talked to your uncle Luke the other night." oh, that can't be good "He agreed to take you in for as long as we consider necessary. After all, even if your brother wants to act as your parent, he can't, because we're the people responsible for you. At the end of the day it's up to us.

"So, you're coming here and pretending to be trying to talk me into leaving Damon alone, but you're actually saying that if you have, you'll find a way to take me from him and have it your way, which basically means shipping me off to our uncle's farm?"

"I'm just offering you a way out is all. You know too well that if you stay here, you'll only make things so much harder for your brother and I love him too much to let this happen. You won't stay in his way even if it's the last thing I do on earth." she says the last few words with such certainty that my breath gets stuck in my throat-she really loved Damon that much that she would get rid of me right now if she could.

I sigh and look away for a moment, trying to think this over. I know that even if I stubbornly decide to stay with Damon it won't change anything-one way or the other, things won't end up in the happy way that my big brother sees them.

And my uncle? He was a big rough guy who owned a farm, had two older sons and a bunch of younger children-he was very strict and whenever he saw me on family gatherings he always told my mother I was great trouble and they should send me to him so he could change things. He hated me as much as they did and I couldn't decide what will be worse-boot camp or his farm.

And then I remember Damon the other night when I woke up and he was sleeping on the chair next to me while holding my hand, dressed in his old clothes, his raven black hair sticking in all directions, he had big bags under his eyes and he was ruined-so damn ruined, all because of me.

Then again last night when father was here he was furious, then after I woke up and I looked at him, I swear to God-I've never seen him that devastated. And I realized it back then-I did this to him, but I decided to ignore it, because I needed him. And I was too selfish to let the fact that he's getting his life ruined slip, because I just wanted to be with him.

"When can I leave for uncle Luke's then?" I ask and she smiles in my direction, happy that she's convinced me

"I talked to your doctor. We can discharge you today and you can leave tomorrow."

I nod and get up from my bed despite feeling weak.

I didn't want Damon to come here and see this. Even if my mother and I had our problems, she was right about one thing-I was hurting him. And I couldn't let this go on.

 **Damon's POV**

When my shift is finally over, I decide to go and check on Stefan. I haven't gotten the chance to talk to Bonnie in our lunch break because she was in surgery and I had about five minutes before my boss called me back to help him so I didn't have time to even drink my coffee.

So now, I was happily rushing down the hallway where Stefan was staying, with a big bagel in hand, intending to make hi eat it, as I knew he wouldn't even touch the food they bring him.

I opened the door and rushed in without even thinking that I might not even find my brother there. The bed was empty and the nurse was changing the sheets. At first I wasn't worried, because Bonnie said they'll have to get him for some tests, but then as I looked around I noticed that none of his stuff was here and I felt my throat tighten.

"Oh, hey, Damon, what are you doing here?" the nurse, I think her name as Mary smiled in my direction as she put the clean sheets on

"Where is my brother?" I ask surprised as I step in further as if I am hiding he would appear from somewhere and tell me that this is another one of his sarcastic ways to test my patience

"The boy who was in this room is your brother?" she asks as confused as me and drops the sheets she's holding "But they just discharged him a few hours ago and send me to fix the room."

"What? Who on earth would discharge him? He couldn't even walk last night!" I tighten my grip on the bedside and Mary throws me a worried glance as she shrugs.

I know that I'm not going to get any information out of her and I figure that something is definitely wrong. I couldn't believe he did it again. He got himself discharged and for what?

I promised him that I'll help him, that I'm not going to leave him, that I won't ever let him go back to mother and once again, just like the night he was in my flat, he took matters into his own hands and left! Why? He wasn't stable! He wasn't healthy at all! Now how would I find him? He might be miles away from here! I should've never let him go.

"Damon, are you okay?" Mary asks and I realize that I'm gripping the bedside so tight that my knuckles are white.

I feel the anger built inside me and I turn around abruptly, deciding to go after him as soon as I can. Maybe he is still on some bus stop waiting for something to get him out of town and as far away as possible. He didn't have a phone, so I couldn't call. There was basically no way to track him down and I was about to curse myself for the hundred time when I took a left turn and crashed into someone.

"Bonnie!"

"Damon! I've been looking all over you!" she exclaims worriedly and I can tell that she just got out of surgery, her scrubs are crumpled and there's some blood on her sleeve "Your brother-"

"He discharged himself!" I finish her sentence angrily and much to my surprise she shakes her head

"No, I don't think he did. Your mother was here earlier this morning. She asked me to let me talk to him for a few minutes, but I was called in surgery and by the time I was out he was gone. I've been trying to call you, but I guess your phone is off" I slap myself on the forehead. She's right, I turned it off when they called me in on the second floor to do some tests on patients.

"My mother" I say if more to myself and she nods, worry evident in her eyes "That's not good."

"I think she told him something, made him change his mind. Either way she's the one who discharged him. I just checked the papers. She convinced the doctor that they'll take care of him at home and he agreed."

"But Stefan would've never gone with her! He didn't want to go back home! He begged me not to let them take him! He wouldn't just grab her hand and leave. It's not like him. He was scared, he said he doesn't want to go anywhere near father!" I buried my head in my hands and sighed heavily "I have to go, I need to figure out what's going on" she nodded in my direction "Can you cover for me?"

"Yes, no problem" she promises "Call me if you need me." I give her a quick peck on the cheeks and hurry to grab my jacket from the locker rooms, throw it on and get to the parking lot so I can jump in my truck and leave as fast as I can.

On the way home, I drive so fast that I'm pretty sure if there was a policemen somewhere they would've brought me to the station and if Stefan was by my side he would laugh and bug me for finally living dangerously. I was too worried to think about it all though-my mind was busy working out the reason for which my brother would decide to leave with my mother after he practically cried out and begged me not to let them take him away. I couldn't figure out in what universe he would agree to go with her, or even be left alone with her in the same room.

There's bright light coming from the windows when I finally end up there and I notice that the big jeep is parked right in front and ready to go.

There were some bags near the door and I can see the servants walking frantically up and down the stairs from here.

I worriedly jump from my truck and rush by the door, ringing like a crazy man just because I didn't have my keys with me and I was cursing the fact that the door was locked.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you all for the reviews and the follows! This chapter focuses a bit more on Stefan, because the circumstances require so, but I'll try to compensate for the lack of Damon in the next one.**

* * *

 **Damon's POV**

"Mr. Damon, sir, what can I do for you?" one of our servants Jenny opens up and I can see the sweat coming down her forehead. She seemed to be on edge and very busy and I knew that his can't be good.

"I need to see my mother!" I said and walked right in before she could do anything to stop me, though she does rush to stand in my way and give some kind of lame explanation, but I just won't hear it so I head straight for the kitchen "Where is she? Where did she take my brother to?"

"Mr. Damon, sir, if you would calm down-"she tries again but I won't have it

"Are they in the living room? Or outside in the backyard?" I continue stubbornly "Mother! Mother, come here!" I yell and I feel myself getting angrier by the minute. Just when I'm about to climb the stairs and burst in her room she comes from the living room behind me in her usual fast and serious way

"What is this insanity here?" she asks surprised and when she sees me her eyebrows raise surprised "Damon! Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?"

"Where is he, mother?" I ask instead and attack her right away. She looks between me and Jenny, worried that I'm embarrassing her in front of our servants and the entire help, because my voice was echoing throughout the walls of our enormous mansion and I was surprised my father hasn't come here by now and given me a speech to act appropriately

"Damon, what are you even talking about?" she's continuing her game and I approach her even closer, not willing to give her any space where she can even form a thought that would get her out of this situation

"I know you were there talking to Stefan! What did you tell him? Are you threatening him? Are you making him hate himself all over again? What is it that you came up with this time?"

"I don't know what's going on in your head, but I won't stand such a behavior! she scolds me as if I'm twelve but I don't care. "What on earth has gotten into you? I've never seen you this angry!"

"I am angry, because you're doing the same thing you always do! You are going to pressure him to do something he doesn't want to do and mess up with his head completely! He is miserable mother, he needs our help, not your serious behavior or your stupid punishments and illogical actions to make him suffer even more-"

"Damon!" I hear his weak voice somewhere behind me and when I turn around slowly, I see him leaning on the door frame, trying to support himself with whatever strength he has inside.

He's changed-they've dressed him in nice blue jeans and perfectly ironed blue plaid shirt. His hair is combed and he looks neat, but his face is still as pale and the fast rising and falling of his chest suggest that he has just walked down the stairs from his room and that took away all his strength

"That's enough, brother" he adds as he tries to make a step forward and successfully manages to lean on the kitchen plot

"Stefan!" I say happily and rush by his side, grabbing him in my hands and hugging him close. He doesn't embrace me though, he's cold and distant and I feel it right away, especially when I pull back and his eyes are a darker shade of green-somehow lost and indifferent to everything "What is going on here? You weren't supposed to leave! You still need help and there are things to be taken care of. You promised me you'll listen to me and do everything I say. I thought we agreed that you'll come live with me for a while!" I blab it all way too fast and I notice him staring somewhere behind me, probably at mother who must be observing this scene with disapproval on her face.

"Damon, I have something to tell you" he starts slowly, he sounds distant, but his voice is shaking which means he has a hard time uttering the words

"Tell me what? I don't understand, Stefan. We agreed that you're coming with me! You didn't want to be here at all!" I continue as confused as before

"I changed my mind" he interrupts me quite harsh and takes a step back away from me as if he can't stand being next to me. I can see the struggle inside him-there's something very wrong here but I don't get what it is "I've decided to leave for a few months and go to uncle Luke's place" he announces and my jaw hangs from surprise

"WHAT?" I don't even try to hide it "What the hell is going on here? Uncle Luke? You hate uncle Luke and he hates you! Why would you want to decide and go there?"

"Damon, it is my choice" he says as calmly as before and looks at our mother for support, but I can see that he is struggling to keep his eyes on her.

He would never in his right mind agree to leave somewhere, not now, not that he is so messed up and need someone's help. He was all so willing to come with me, to try and change things for himself. He wouldn't just let mom burst in his room and order him to do something-he was stubborn, he would fight her. I was sure she can't make him do this forcefully-he has agreed to that. And I just couldn't even figure out why.

"Stefan, talk to me, brother, what is wrong? Is she making you do it?"

"Damon, don't be ridiculous!" mother raises her voice from behind us and I see her approach Stefan's side and give him a stern look.

He leans harder on the counter, it's clear that he can't keep himself up for too long, but he's trying really hard to prove to me that he's alright just like he's lying to me now that this is his decision.

"It's my choice" he gives me the same response again only it is barely audible this time. "You'll have to deal with it" he announces and I can see that he just wants to get rid of me for some reason. He turns around and starts walking away, but I grab his hand and turn him around, pulling him closer to me and looking him in the eyes

"Mother, leave us!" I say but she doesn't attempt to make a move "Mother!" I turn to her and give her an angry look. She shakes her head as if she's too tired to deal with our stupid behavior and leaves, closing the door behind her. I turn to Stefan once again and try to understand what's going on inside him, but he hides good

"I won't fight with you, Damon. It's really what I want. I have to leave this town, it's for the better" he says, this time he's not as cold as before, he's trying to explain and I appreciate that, but I still am not sure how honest he is being "I want to forget about everything that happened."

"That's all fine, Stefan, but at uncle Luke's? You could get away from here when you come with me to Whitmore."

"No" he cuts me off right away "I don't want to come with you. I changed my mind. I want to be alone, try to figure things out, do it on my own."

"You'll suffocate there, Stefan, you know it. It will only get worse" I try convincing him, but he shakes his head. "I don't understand this. You are not being logical here."

"Damon, I took drugs for months and got myself drunk, do you really think I was ever logical?" he asks me a serious question "Just let it be. Go home, do your work, be with your girlfriend" he says "I can take care of myself. It's not your job to do this."

"I don't think of it as a job, Stefan. I just want to be with you! Help you get through a hard time."

"Well, I don't. And I'm sorry if I'm hurting our feelings, but I can't be around you right now" his words cut through me like a knife and I find myself having a hard time breathing "You have it all, Damon. You've always had it all and I lost everything, I'm at the bottom. I can't live with you now, it only hurts me more. I love you, but you can't help me, because you will never understand me." he says seriously "You just don't know what it's like, which is why all your efforts will be in vain."

We stare at each other for a while and I swallow hard. He's being serious and his words hurt me, but there's nothing I can do. If this is really how he feels, if he doesn't believe his own brother can help him, then I would never pressure him, I won't become our parents.

"Have a save trip then" I say way too harshly than I intend and his facial expression changes. I don't want him to think that I hate him, I don't, but he's really hurting me right now and I can't find a way to hide it.

"Damon I-" he tries saying something but I raise my hands and give him a fake smile

"It's okay, I got it, Stefan. I'm not the person that you need right now. I have it all too great, right?" I know that I'm not being fair, that this is the last thing he needs right now, that I should be supportive and tell him how I respect his choices and I would stand by him no matter what, but I hurt, because I just can't understand how he can change his mind so fast. He tries approaching me and takes a few insecure steps, but I walk away from him. My heart breaks when I see him that weak.

"Goodbye, brother" I say one last time, before I turn around and leave.

When I go outside and look one last time at the house, he's still standing there in the middle of the kitchen, supporting himself on the plot, and staring at the nothingness before him. He did look crushed.

But so was I.

 **Stefan's POV**

I leave for my uncle Luke's farm the next morning and I arrive there around noon. It's not that far away from home, about three hours if you're driving at a normal speed. I couldn't sleep last night after my fight with Damon and the words he told me before we parted hurt way too more than I was willing to admit. For the first time in a few months there was nothing to silence my demons with-there were no drugs, no alcohol and I didn't even feel that much pain in my arm as usually.

On the road, I kept thinking about him and the disappointment in his eyes-he didn't believe I could hurt him like this and I hated the fact that I had to do this, but for once in my life, my mother and I were on the same opinion-it was better this way. Now that he's hurt, he could let go of me and keep on living his life, climbing up in his career and do something productive.

When we arrived at the place it was extremely hot and uncle Luke welcomed me on the bus station. My mother told me that my father can't stay in the same car with me and our driver was having a day off so there was no one to actually take me here. I was instructed to bring as little as possible so I grabbed a few sweaters, another pair of jeans and some underwear.

"Hello, boy" uncle Luke welcomed me.

He was a man in his late thirties, had a beautiful wife and five kids. I knew one of them was in the military and the rest should be living in the farm as they were younger. He was the typical cowboy guy with Wrangler jeans on, boots and a plaid shirt.

The hat wasn't missing either. I didn't know the guy good, but from the few times I've seen him, I've come to the conclusion that he's very stern with his kids so I expected for him to treat me worse as he had heard my father's complains and never missed a chance to point out how spoiled and ungrateful I am.

His eyebrows were furrowed from the minute he saw me and he didn't waste any time to even ask how I was, even if I've just got out of the hospital-he turned around and started leading me to his truck.

We didn't say a word to each other on the way to their house, so I spent the time observing everything around me. The place was small, but nice and his house ended up being on some dusty road in the middle of nowhere a little outside that said small town. It was a relatively big white house with an enormous front porch. I could see cattle in the distance and a big barn near it. I knew he had a garden that he was very proud of because whenever he came to visit he brought a basket full of his home-made vegetables and fruits.

The way he was acting towards me-as if I'm not even a human being, was not surprising as I was used to receiving the same treatment from my father. Somehow, even if I should've been worried that I was here, I wasn't. I was ready to face the consequences of my actions and I knew that my time here won't be great, but I had to deal with it.

When we got inside the house, he led me to the kitchen which was relatively spacious and his whole family was waiting for me there.

His wife was feeding two little kids who were sitting in their baby chairs and I thought that must be the twins that she recently gave birth to. His wife was always the best thing about uncle Luke's visit-I didn't know her, but she was always kind and when she talked it was like she never meant harm to anyone.

"Sit down, boy" uncle Luke ordered and I sat on the long table.

The rest of the kids-his son Tom who was my age, a girl whose name I think was Melanie, his wife and the twins were all gathered around him

"We need to talk about the rules around the house and the things you'll have to do" he begins and I nod "Now, I know that until today you've had all the freedom in the world but that is going to change here. Your father has given me the right to treat you as I think is appropriate and right now, I don't think you should be even sitting on this table as you haven't deserved it" I swallow hard and take a deep breathe. This was going to be hard

"Here is how it will go" he decides to get to the bottom of it and I can't say I'm disappointed "You'll get up every day in five thirty in the morning with me and Tom" he nods at his son who seems to be a complete copy of his father "You'll help us deal with the cattle and the other chores we usually do. Then I'll give you the rest of the things you have to do on your own while we all come back from work. I usually get called to work on the constructions downtown, so you will basically be doing most of the chores here. You won't be going to school. Your father and I decided that you could take the rest of the year off and start fresh next fall." right, what they thought was that I'm going to get in messes if I go to school. I don't actually disagree with that part

"But we don't want you to be behind with everything so my wife Karen will tutor you on Friday and the weekends for three hours every morning. As you know she used to be a teacher so she's good with all that" he explains and looks at her, but doesn't give her a smile.

She throws me a kind look, though, and for the first time today I feel like not everyone completely hate me

"Sunday we go to church. You are not allowed to leave the house on your own. You can't do anything that is not first approved by me. You can't drink, smoke or do anything remotely close to those bad habits. I'll give you the medications you have to take every morning. You will address me as sir and you'll also help Karen with her chores when she needs to. Is everything clear?" he finishes up and I swallow hard. This was going to be hell.

"Yes" I say barely audible

"Yes what?"

"Yes, sir" I correct my mistake, but that doesn't seem to please him. He hates me and the way I've acted up until now.

He gets up and leads me to my "room". It wasn't at all a room-it was a small space in the kitchen, separated from it with a curtain. It probably used to be some kind of big wardrobe because I can still see the lever where the hangs used to be.

He has put on a very old wooden bed with a torn out mattress on there and that took all the space. I had no place for my clothes or my belongings, or anything-it was just a place to sleep on and that was considered to be enough.

He introduced me to the rest of the kids and showed me the house and the barn, while continuing with the list of rules he's made for me. I wasn't allowed to do anything but breathe, work and sleep and even if it was that harsh, I am not sure I was going to complain-if I started thinking now, that would be the end of me.

After dinner, everyone left to do their thing and I helped Karen with the dishes, after which I decided to sleep, which proved to be hard, because my arm decided to hurt when I least needed it, so I couldn't fall until four in the morning and at five thirty Luke woke me up. They didn't even give me the chance to wash my face or my teeth, he tossed a white shirt and some jeans in my direction and said that's my work clothes.

I put on my converses, which were the only shoes I had and which he disapproved of, but said that if I need others I'll have to earn them like everything else.

When we got outside Tom was already waiting near a big truck full of bales of hay.

"Now it's time to earn your breakfast" Luke said and when we approached the truck Tom gave me an evil smile "You have to take all of these in the barn and you have less than two hours to do it" he orders and I look at him as if he's crazy. The truck was enormous and I alone couldn't do all this work, not with my bad arm that couldn't even hold the cup of coffee without dropping it to the ground

"Come on, boy, we don't have all day" he urges me and Tom jumps on the truck and tosses one of the bales at me

I grab it and of course drop it at first, which results in them laughing at me. With much effort and by using mostly my left hand, I manage to pick it up and toss it on my back. I manage to get the first one inside, but when I take the second, my bad hand doesn't want to hold the rope tight so I drop it to the ground and try to take deep breaths. This was going to be torture, I knew it.

"Come on, boy!" Luke yells behind me and I have no choice but to try and find a way to do this. I manage to bring ten inside and I'm already sweating and my heart is beating out of my chest, but Luke is watching me and I have no choice. I can't look weak, I have to do this, I know it. I am more than what they think of me.

My feet don't want to hold me, however, because I'm still too weak. Only a day ago I was still in the hospital, not that this mattered to Luke and it shouldn't matter to me-I had to get myself together and do this. But when I've carried about half of the stacks and I'm about to pick yet another one, my arm betrays me again and under the weight of it, I fall on my knees.

"Boy, get up!" Luke starts yelling, but I need to take a breath, because my head is spinning and I hurt everywhere. I hear his steps behind me and the next thing I know-he's leaning next to me and grabbing my shoulder "I said, get up!" he orders, but I don't make a move

"Listen to me, you spoiled little brat, I don't care what your life was up until now, here you bust your ass and become the person you're supposed to be, so stop whining and get up. I don't care what hurts you or what might happen, I actually don't give a shit-the more it hurts, the better, at least you'll finally understand how much pain you caused your parents" he yells in my ear and I squeeze my eyes "Now, get up or I swear I'll make you wish you did it sooner."

I swallow hard and slowly stand up. He doesn't help me at all, just observes as I carry the bales and go for the next one. My hand is killing me and I'm sure that I won't be able to sleep from the pain again tonight, but I decide to swallow it and keep going. I didn't really have much of a choice.

I get done with it when they are already having breakfast, but I'm actually late for it, so I'm not allowed to sit on the table. The same goes with the diner and I'm not sure if they considered giving me lunch.

Luke was unhappy with the way I did the job because I took too much time, so he said I have to wait for them all to finish eating before Karen gives me whatever is left of it. I feel like on purpose, Luke and Tom try to eat more than they need to just so that there's nothing left for me and when they're finally done, there's only one toast left, which I eat eagerly, drink some water and take the meds Luke gives me.

Then he leads me to the garden-he had an enormous garden with various vegetables, but he also had two other gardens-an apple and a peaches ones and he said I had to start picking up the fruit today because they were going to the market on Saturday and had to sell as much as they could.

He didn't give me gloves or any tool, he said to use my hands. I was allowed to drink water, but everything else was forbidden including me taking my shirt off or putting on a hat, even if it was extremely hot-he said I have to earn absolutely every little thing and by the late afternoon I realized that I don't have a thing in this house expect for a bed and some clothes.

Karen came to check on me around noon and asked me if I need anything. She knew I was dying of hunger, but I was aware that she probably wasn't allowed to give me anything. She however asked me to come to the house for a cup of coffee, but I refused, knowing that she'll want to feed me and I'll only bring her trouble-Luke was right, I had to earn everything, even my food, so I kept on working.

By the time Tom came back from school, I was nowhere near getting even half of the apples off the trees-it was an enormous garden and my hands were already full of scratches and cuts. He didn't say anything, just grabbed a bucket and began working as well. He was way much stronger than me-while I was weak and barely holding myself together, he was tall, had big muscles and rough hands. He also had decent clothes, nice shoes and a really cool hat which I envied him for right now.

I almost wanted to laugh-a few days earlier I was whining in bed for not being loved enough by my parents and now I was here thinking how awesome it would be to have a hat. I really lost everything I had in this life, but what I missed most wasn't an object-it was my brother.

Maybe after this, I'll become a better person, one that is worthy of his love, one that won't cause him troubles. After all, this was also about me battling my addiction with the drugs and I must say that Luke's strategy was working for now-I spent the day busting my ass, and I was already so tired that I haven't thought about anything but food at all.

My dark thoughts, my empty hearth, my sadness-they were present, but they weren't taking over my life. Even the pain in my arm lessened as the afternoon progressed.

When Luke came home, he called Tom inside, but left me to keep working. Told me I have to finish ten more trees before dinner, but by the time I was done, it was already dark and when I finally ended up in the kitchen, I saw that I was an hour late.

Nobody scolded me, everyone just looked at me curiously and angrily, as if my existence made theirs somehow worse or uncomfortable. Luke and Tom went to the living room. Melanie was doing her homework on the table and the twins were playing with their toys on the floor-they were both very sweet, had raven black hairs and blue eyes-they reminded me of Damon and I so much.

They were dressed in the same clothes only in different colors, but I had trouble saying who is who and I was trying to figure out a way to make a difference as I was eating my sandwich up near the kitchen plot. Karen obviously noticed me staring because she smiled as she came by to take away my empty plate.

"The one with the yellow shirt is Matthew and next to him is Nathan" she explains "Matthew has this mole on his neck and Nathan doesn't, that's how you can recognize them"

"Thank you" I say as I nod and she smiles "They remind me of me and my brother" the words slip before I can even realize that I'm saying something out loud

"Oh really, how come?" she asks genuinely curious as she hands me a glass of water

"Damon was always silent and obedient just like Matthew is and I was always looking for ways to piss someone off like Nate is doing right now" I nod as we observe Nathan throw one of the toys towards his brother, who doesn't even get mad, but instead grabs the toy and looks at it with interest

She nods understandingly

"They are not alike at all, even if they look the same. Nathan used to kick me so hard while I was carrying them and when he was born his crying echoed through the entire hallway while Matthew was always so calm, he doesn't make a peep."

"It happens, I suppose. Me and my brother are the living evidence"

"You are observant. I don't think Tom has ever stopped to look at them for more than five minutes ever since they were born, let alone try to make such a conclusion." I shrug as I take a sip from my water. The glass is shaking in my unstable hand so I decide to put it down on the table

"Any advice for me?" she asks and at first I feel like she's mocking me, but then when I look in her eyes I realize she's completely serious

"Love them equally" I say and look back down at the kids, smiling as I watch them play "At the end of the day, that is all they'll ever need." I finish off my glass and stand up, but I avoid her look, because I know I'll find pity in her eyes and I can't do that, not after I've just barely survived the first day on this stupid farm

"I'm going to bed. Thank you for dinner." I say and head to my bed slowly, because every part of my body hurts.

* * *

By the end of the week, I am still not used to getting up early, but at least my bloody hands feel somehow better. I think they're getting rougher every time I have to work in the garden, which was the hardest thing of all. I had to help a lot around there or simply do most the work myself and I still haven't earned myself a decent lunch or even a hat, which I was desperate for.

But despite all the pressure and the hard work, I still didn't feel that bad. I came to realize that Luke was very tough with me because he didn't know me and has assumed that I am just not a good person, but he was very kind and gentle with his wife and the kids. He would kiss Karen early in the morning while she was making breakfast and help her put the table out or scold me to do so. He cared about her needs and often brought her flowers when he was coming back from town, a simple reminder of how much he loved her and whenever he did so she just glowed. He might've been rough, but there was kindness and love in his heart and I starting looking at things differently.

Tom was very closed and rarely talked-he was bound to dislike me because his father did, but a few times this week while I was working he brought me a glass of water without me asking and I realized that he also, was not a bad guy.

As a whole their family loved each other very much and I was the stranger who was getting drunk and drugged and that scared them, it made them question if I'll ever be redeemable so they have decided to be harsh and stern with me and I didn't mind it. I was taking all the hatred and the pain Luke was giving me, because I deserved it.

I was just taking my converses which were already torn out, off and felt happy that it was the first time in a whole week that I've done all my chores for the day, even if I was soaking wet after working in the rain outside for more than two hours. I jump in bed like this-dirty, in pain and with the blood on my hands, but it feels somehow right.

I can't fall asleep though-it's dark and I was tired, but I just can't fall. I kept going back to that evening with Damon, but I try to calm myself down by listening to the rain. Every drop is pulling a string inside me and I suddenly have the urgent need to cry, but I can't do this-I never cry, I never show anyone what I feel, I cover it good, hide behind stupid sarcasm or lousy jokes or by doing stupid things, but I never cry. Not even in front of Damon. I was avoiding it all costs.

I can hear that Karen is still up, she's cleaning up things in the kitchen when Luke comes back from outside.

"Pour me a bourbon will you?" he asks her and I hear him take down his coat, pull a chair and settle down on the table

"Shh, be quiet, everyone are already asleep" Karen scolds him and he huffs annoyed, but agrees with her. I hear her pull a chair too and join him and try not to move in my bed, because they'll know I'm awake. I would usually try to fall asleep, but I was desperate for some distractions so I decided to eavesdrop and listen to what they'll say.

"Do you want more?" she asks after she obviously gulps the bourbon right away and puts the glass down back with a thud. I hear her pour him more and he lets a tired sigh out "You know, you shouldn't have made the boy work so late with this weather outside."

"He had to do it" was Luke's simple answer "He has to learn, see from everything, experience hard moment so he can understand that being spoiled won't get him anything. It's for his own good."

"It won't be for his own good, if he gets sick."

"He won't. He'll get tougher." Luke says confidently

"Do you think he can change?" she asks after a few minutes "That you can actually help him?"

"I'll try my best."

"I don't think he's a bad boy." Karen continues and her words surprise me. I've never heard anyone talk about me like that, except for Damon "Things just worked out wrong for him."

"No, my sister and Giuseppe just spoiled him too much" Luke disagrees with her "And he turned out to be uncontrollable. They should've taken measures when he was younger, they should've punished him more."

"Come on, Luke, if it was Tom you wouldn't be saying this. Sometimes kids get in the wrong crowds, they do bad things, doesn't mean they're bad people" Karen continues defending me, and I don't know why she's doing it "I just think he felt left out. Do you remember all the times we visited your sister? Stefan was always somewhere in the back or wasn't even there-Lily wouldn't stop blabbing about Damon and how good of a student he is or what competition he won. Do you remember them ever talking about Stefan?" she asks and Luke takes a minute to think while I stay here in the darkness even more stunned that she remembers something about me, that she has noticed me being such an invisible part of the family.

Luke finally grunts, which is his way of partly agreeing with her.

"The boy is a mess." he then continues seriously and I swallow hard "He'll have to do a lot more than work in the rain to earn my respect or anything else."

"You're too hard on him" she disagrees, but doesn't have the chance to express her opinion because he continues

"I am not!" he raises his voice slightly until he remembers all the kids are sleeping and decides that he doesn't want to wake the babies "I am threating him like I threat any of my kids. I am stern with him, because he has to figure many things out, has a lot to learn and you will not do anything to make his time here easier, Karen!" he cuts her off just as she's about to speak up again

"That's the end of this discussion." he stands up abruptly, angrily and I hate the fact that they are arguing because of me. Whenever I went, I only made people miserable and I hated myself for it. "Now I'm going to bed" he announces and leaves the room.

Karen joins him about half an hour later, but I can't fall asleep for hours after that.

* * *

I wake up around five in the morning, half an hour before Luke and Tom usually get up. I sit up in bed and start dressing myself-I hated to admit it, but Luke was right-I was spoiled and before coming here I had no idea how hard life actually is. I doubted I'll ever earn his respect, or anyone's love for that matter, but I had to do something to distract myself from all the awful thoughts I had.

And all the memories of Damon.

I take care of the animals, feed the chicken, the dogs and the cat and lead all the cattle to the meadows, which takes most of my time. By the time I'm back to the house, Luke and Tom are on the porch getting dressed and Luke is surprised that I'm up.

I tell him that I did half the chores and he grunts as if annoyed with me, though I know he didn't expect me to do all this, but he would never actually show me any appreciation. Instead he tells me the rest of the things that should be done for the day and goes back inside with Tom so they can have breakfast while I keep on doing my job.

Late in the afternoon, Karen asks me to come back to the house-I haven't had breakfast or coffee or anything except water and the day was extremely hot, despite the rain from last night. I drag myself inside and she pushes me to the table

"You've been working all day" she scolds "Eat, now!" I don't dare oppose her, not with that angry expression on her face. I settle down on the table.

The house is kind of deserted-Tom and Melanie are at school and Luke is working downtown so it's just us and the twins who are sitting in their chairs near the table and staring at the cartoon playing on the TV. When I get in the turn at me and observe me curiously, I guess they still weren't used with me being here, but at least they weren't crying so I decided that was a good thing.

"Here you go" Karen says and puts down a plate full of eggs and sausages in front of me as well as some orange juice. I look up at her surprised from the amount of food she's giving me and feel my mouth water

"Are you sure that-" I begin but she cuts me off

"All of it is for you. You've worked a lot today, you deserve it" she says and I nod as I start wolfing down the meal without asking twice, because that's the best thing that happened to me all day "Is everything okay with you?" she asks and I suddenly stop eating and look at her with my mouth full. I feel extremely uncomfortable, because I see Karen as a mother-figure and I feel like she's scolding me for something, but then again nobody ever asked me how I was in this house ever since I arrived here

"I…uh…yeah, I'm fine" I respond even more confused and look away from her, afraid that she'll ask me something else. People here didn't talk to me, so why was she doing so right now?

She nods and I continue eating, now slowly and decide to focus on the twins and forget that she ever asked me anything. Besides our conversation about the kids earlier in the week, she hasn't said a word to me and somehow that makes me feel strange. And that's the last thing I needed right now-I was out of place as it is.

Nathan, the twin with the messier black hair is the impatient one and he keeps trying to get away from his chair and get to the ground, but I start distracting him, by making him funny expressions or brrrr-ing like a car so that he can leave his mother in peace to do her job.

"Can you take him please, I think Matthew needs a change of diapers" she asks me as she comes around the table and picks the quieter twin up in her embrace.

"Uhh, yeah, sure" I say and I take Nate in my hands.

I was afraid that I'll drop him with my messed up arm and all that, so I positioned him in my lap and stretched down to the floor in order to grab the truck there and get it up on the table for him to play. He was very impatient and wild, but I didn't mind that because I used to be the same kid-I would turn my room upside down and go in Damon's one and jump on his bed.

Nate was just a baby, but he would be a pain in the ass that was for sure. He doesn't last even five minutes in my embrace and starts whining, wanting me to drop him down and help him walk around the room. I stand up and give him my fingers to hold on to as we start walking around the table. He stops here and there and looks up at me, as if he's still trying to figure who I am, then gives me a toothless smile and keeps walking.

"You are the devil you know that right?" I ask him when I realize that he's taking me to the closet where all the sweet things are-No, no, you can't have that now-I say patiently as I take away the chocolate he tries to grab and turn him in the other direction "Let's get back to the table, huh?" I suggest and he surprisingly listens. But he gives up on walking in the middle of the kitchen and falls on his sweet butt and looks back at me as if begging me to do the same.

I sit next to him and start playing with him. He likes to throw things and watch me give him back to him. He laughs a lot while I try to get the toys back and I tickle him here and there or do anything that would basically make him laugh.

"What the hell is going on here?" I hear Luke's stern voice and when I look up I see him standing in the doorway with the groceries in hand. I immediately stop fooling around and Nate goes quiet next to me

"Karen had to change Matt so she asked me to take care of Nate" I explain and stand up right away as fast as I can. Luke furrows his eyebrows and I don't understand what I did wrong, I was supposed to help her out too.

"Did you do all your work?" he asks as he leans down and picks hi son in his embrace. The kids grows extremely silent as he buries his head in his father's chest.

"No, sir, I haven't" I say as I swallow hard

"What are you waiting for then?" he asks and I nod as I turn around and get outside on the porch. I hear Karen come back to the kitchen and him scolding her for leaving the kid with me. He told her didn't want his children around me. I was obviously too bad of an influence.

My heart cries as I leave back for the garden, getting ready to slowly do the rest of my work so I would miss dinner. I didn't want to sit on one table with them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Stefan's POV**

Six weeks pass too fast for me to even realize it. I slowly grow more used to the live here on the farm-it's a routine, not necessarily a bad one. I get up earlier than everyone-that's something I do every day now, without anyone forcing me. I couldn't sleep much anyway and I soon got used to sleeping for four or five hours while before I couldn't get up after ten.

Time didn't make Luke hate me any less-he was still as harsh with me and hasn't praised me at all, not even for a small or insignificant thing I've done. But I was used to that and I wasn't angry-I got to recognize his grunts-there was a different one for every situation and I was glad when I got a relatively good grunt-that meant he wasn't pissed off with me, but he wasn't content either.

I would rarely have dinner with them in the beginning-I avoided it and on purpose, I did my job more slowly so that they would be done by the time I got back to the house until one day Karen confronted me about it.

Our relationship developed, in comparison to the one with Luke. It all started when she began tutoring me every Friday and during the weekends. She was a really good teacher and I learned more from her than I had in the past ten years in private school. The thing is that with her I wanted to do good, to be better, because I didn't want her efforts to go in vain-it wasn't that much about me than it was for her.

I found out more about her-she wanted to be a teacher but after she had Tom she decided to give it up and focus on the family-she and Luke always wanted many kids and she was a devoted mother, but I could tell she missed teaching.

We didn't talk much about me, I refused to dig into that, but she would ask sometimes about simple things and I would answer, because I felt like I owe it to her, not because I really wanted to share, I was still not there yet.

It was good with her and the kids, they took my mind off everything else that was going on. I haven't thought about drugs or alcohol in a very long time and I didn't feel the need to take any of those things. I was still very hurt and broken, but I realized that drugs don't change anything-everything is still as before after I take them, the difference is that I feel like I'm drunk or in another world and that wasn't real-it was an illusion that dulled the pain.

Now I wasn't hiding from it. I was experiencing everything I felt.

Most of the time it was loneliness.

I wasn't angry at my parents anymore-I didn't hate them for sending me here, for not understanding what I lost that day at the accident, for not loving me the way they loved Damon.

I think I made peace with that or at least wasn't expecting to be surprised by their behavior. I still felt like something is missing, like inside me something is torn apart and the more I tried to figure out what it was, the more lost I became.

But loneliness- _that killed me_. I was surrounded by Luke and his entire family, but no matter what I could never be one of them-I was an outside.

I often sat outside on the porch and observed the sunset all by myself, usually after I was done with work and I thought about Damon and everything that happened to us.

The truth is that it hurt me. It hurt that he hasn't called at all. It's been six long and very hard for me weeks and he hasn't attempted at trying to get in touch with me.

I mean, I wasn't mad, because let's face it, I've hurt him so much the last time we saw each other and I don't know why I was so surprised and hurt by the fact that he was ignoring my existence.

Deep down I knew that it was for the best-I had to let him go, at least for now, let him finish his residency, have the best time with Bonnie, move forward with things in his life, but I missed him.

I missed him so much, because he was the only person who ever gave a damn about me and without him, I was the loneliest person on earth.

"Stefan, come on, momma is calling for you!" Melanie, the youngest and only girl in the house yelled and got me out of my trance. I put down the hay I was carrying and smiled at her. My arm has been killing me for a few days and I was extra slowly with finishing my work. "You have hay all over yourself, Stefan!" Melanie laughed and I looked down at myself, I was indeed very dirty, but I tried brushing away all the hay from my white shirt and started down at my arm. I swallowed hard as I realized that it has swollen even more "You okay, Stefan?" she asks again and I nod. I use as little words as possible here. I didn't feel the need to talk, I realized that when you listen more and talk less, you see the world a hell of a lot differently.

"What's the time, princess?" I asked as she grabs me by the shirt and starts pulling me towards the house

"It's almost ten!" she exclaims annoyed and I chuckle. She was a sweet little thing, but she could be very stubborn sometimes. Especially when she wanted hot chocolate in the middle of the night and her mom had to make it, which usually woke me up, not that I minded. "Momma is pissed that you're that late again, so good luck!" she announces and I sigh as I slowly climb the stairs to the back door

"Slow down, kiddo" I beg her, because the pain suddenly increases and I find it hard to keep myself together. That has happened a few times since we came here, but now it hurt too much. I was working harder, putting pressure on it, so maybe that's why it happened.

Melanie didn't wait one bit, she burst through the door and was in the living room, by the time I finally made it in the kitchen.

"Stefan, for the love of God, were you planning on having dinner at midnight!" Karen scolds me and I see her near the cooker, but when I finally close the door behind me and she turns around, she immediately changes the tone of her voice, once she sees how I look "What the hell is wrong with you?" she asks and drops the towel she's holding just to rush by my side "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, my arm hurts a bit" I try to say it casually as I kick my shoes away and start heading to my bed "I'm going to sleep, I'm not hungry" I try to get away with it but she won't have it

"Don't hide from me, kiddo!" she scolds as she grabs my other arm and turns me around right in the middle of the room "Let me see" she asks and pulls my sleeve up, not that she can't see what's going on without it, but once she realizes how swallowed it is, she gasps "Bed! Right now!"

"I'm fine, really" I try again, but she won't listen to me, instead she starts dragging me to the bed and pushes me down

"Don't move!" she orders as she goes to the fridge and takes out some ice, wraps it in a towel and comes back to me "You've been working too hard! I told Luke that he has to ease it on you, but he wouldn't listen and now you hurt."

"I'm okay, it's really nothing" I try to calm her down, because I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but she ignores me and wraps the towel around me elbow, because it's the most swollen place. She pushes me down on the pillow and covers me up with the blanket "I just need to sleep it off and I'll be fine" I lie to her as I watch her go back to the kitchen and come with my pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other

"No, I already took them this morning" I oppose as she sits down next to me and is about to make me take them "I'm not supposed to take more"

"I don't care, you're in pain and I'm not watching you like that" she says seriously and tries to shove the pills in my mouth, but I pull away and turn my back to her

"No, I'm not taking them! No matter what, I won't!" I've decided that this part of my life is over, that I won't ever abuse with pills.

The moment I even thought about taking them, the image of a devastated Damon sitting on a chair next to my bed in the hospital appeared and I felt the tears in my eyes. I wouldn't do this to him. I couldn't watch him suffer for me, even if right now he didn't care where I was or what was going on. I loved him and I couldn't break my promise

"I won't, please" I tell her again and she finally gives up, but comes back a minute later and puts her hand on my shoulder, rolling me back to her

"Tylenol!" she says a she shows me the single pill in her hand that won't do much to ease my pain "At least that, you stubborn kid" she rarely curses so I know that right now she's mad. She's treating me and taking care of me like I'm her child and I don't want to anger her any more than I already have so I take the pill and lie back down.

I fall asleep and dream of Damon and I as kids, playing in our backyard. Then I wake up from the pain again and remember seeing Karen still somewhere next to me, even though it must've been very late, then I fall again and once again I dream of my brother, but this time we're older and he's angry with me, because he caught me drunk at home. He says that he can't believe I've turned into this monster, who causes nothing but pain to others and turns around, leaving me. His last words are that I'll never change and I wake up almost crying. Karen is holding my good hand and wiping away the sweat from my forehead.

"Hey, hey, it's fine, kiddo, it's all fine" she tells me with a fake smile "It was a dream" she explains and I take a deep breath

"What are you doing here?" I ask her as I try to raise myself up, but she won't let me. The pain is worse, stronger than it was before and I have a hard time hiding it anymore

"You've been having nightmares all night long, calling out your brother's name" she explains worriedly as she cleans again the sweat from my forehead "I'll make Luke take you downtown to the doctor"

"No, I don't want doctors" I oppose angrily, but she squeezes my hand tightly which means she won't have any of my bullshit. She's about to give me some water and scold me when we hear the kitchen door open and soon Luke appears

"What the hell is going on, Karen? Where you've been all night?" he's angry I can tell, but when she sees her next to me, his attitude changes drastically "What's wrong?" he asks as he approaches us

"His arm is swollen and he's in pain. You have to take him downtown" she states seriously, not willing up to discuss anything with him, but Luke is Luke so of course he has to oppose her

"Oh, come on, he's been like this before" he mumbles a bit angry, not willing to accept her words for being true

"I'm fine, really" I decide to intervene and try to stand up. Surprisingly Karen doesn't stop me and when I sit up and grab my arm with my other hand because it's killing me, Luke asks her to step away and comes by my side, checking it out himself. He mumbles in disapproval and curses under his nose

"This won't do. Boy we're going downtown" he says and for the first time he seems like he actually cares about me "Karen, go wake Tom, he'll do all the chores this morning. I'll change and we'll leave, boy. Get ready and wait for me on the porch, alright?" he orders and I nod

When they both leave me alone, I feel the sudden urge to cry or call my brother and hear his voice, but I quickly remember that I can't do that, that all of this will lose its meaning if I make it all about me once again. I was a big boy now, I had to swallow down all my pain and sorrow and deal with things like a man and not neglect them or try to run from them like when I did while I was drugging myself.

I grit my teeth, get up, slowly toss my sweater over my weak shoulders and go outside. I sit on the rocking chair and grab my converses-new ones. I earned them last week, finally, after Karen scolded Luke and told him she's tired of watching me look like I'm homeless. He took me downtown and bought me a jacket, two plaid shirts, and the shoes. I haven't felt that happy in a long time, probably because I've earned those things fair and square by working my ass off.

I had troubles putting them on right now, because I could only use one of my hands-the other was completely numb and I could even clench it into a fist, let alone use it for anything else. I somehow managed to put them on, but I couldn't tie them and as I leaned down and helplessly tried to do so, I felt myself getting angrier.

In this moment, Karen came out and found me struggling.

"What are you doing?" she asks as she rushes next to me, pulls my hand away and starts tying them myself.

I feel so helpless and insignificant, like I can't do one thing right. I never could. In my life I always messed up. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and tried to cover my weakness from her by putting my blue cap on and covering my face, but she sensed something's wrong, grabbed my chin gently and raised it up

"Stefan, what is wrong?" she asks and I try to look away, but she's holding me tight.

I open my eyes and meet hers. She's a good person, too good for me. She reaches to my cheek and wipes away the single tear that I've let escape my eye. Damn it, I was still as weak as before and I hated myself for it. She was not supposed to see this.

When she realized that I was crying, she stood up and pulled my head to her body. I buried myself there and let myself feel safe for a moment.

"I miss my brother" I let out in the open and feel my chest a little lighter. I didn't even expect it to be like that. I've been holding it for so long, I grew used to it. I carried that grief inside as a part of me, that loneliness that slowly killed me.

She leans back down to my level and gives me a reassuring smile

"Maybe when you come back from the doctor, I'll convince Luke to let you call him for a few minutes, what do you say?" she asks and I shake my head. I was not allowed to call anyone or use any other form of communication, but I was fine with that, even though on the few occasions I've ended up in the kitchen all by myself, I've felt the urge to grab the phone and dial Damon's number.

"No, I don't want to. This is for the best" I tell her and she gives me a confused look just as Luke comes outside and urges me to leave. Karen gives me a kiss on the forehead and tells me to behave when we go to the doctor.

We get downtown twenty minutes later. It's not a big place and I've been here only five or six times ever since I arrived, all of them accompanied by Luke or Tom, not that I minded. I preferred the farm, the city was nice, but I craved silence and serenity.

I fell asleep in the waiting room while we were waiting for the doctor to get us. He ended up being a nice man in his thirties and reminded me of Damon too much. He scolded me for not taking good care of myself and for working too hard, he also, as my brother always loved doing, nagged me about not doing the surgeries after the accident, he gave me two shots, made me a bandage, put it on a sling, prescribed pills and we left.

Luke seemed strangely quiet and observant during the examination and on our way home, for the first time, I realized that his eyebrows are not furrowed. He helped me get dressed and he was careful and nice to me, by nice I mean that he was giving me his good grunts and not his angry ones.

"Why didn't you do those surgeries like you were told, boy?" he asks on our way home and I look at him, surprised that he's interested in anything concerning me

"I didn't want to" I explain simply and he grunts as if annoyed

"But why? That is stupid. Now look what's going on with you! You can't be happy with that."

"I'm alright, uncle Luke" I say carefully avoiding the subject "Thank you for being concerned"

"I'm not concerned, I just think it's dumb of you to be undergoing all that pain" he shrugs it off and I nod, understanding his inability to let me in his life

"I'm used to it" I shrug off again and he grunts, giving up the subject. But I know he cares about me, it's the first time I see it, because when we get back home, he helps me get inside and Karen immediately rushes to him to get information. I promise that tomorrow I'll work, but he doesn't say anything. Karen doesn't even want to hear it and is ready to kick my ass.

* * *

Later that evening, I'm sitting on the table and having dinner with all of them for the first time in weeks. Tom is extra nice to me, Luke is not grunting at all and sweet Melanie keeps asking me questions and pocking my bandaged hand, earning scolds from her mother while the twins giggle from their chairs.

The phone rings and Luke groans annoyed, he really hated the phone.

"Karen, who the hell could this be?" he asks angrily as he stands up, because she's busy feeding the twins.

"It's probably your buddies, weren't you going to play poker tonight?" she asks and he curses under his nose "I heard that, Luke!" she scolds him as well and that gets him even angrier so when he answers the phone he's extra rude, but then something changes, because his voice goes different, less annoyed

"Yes, son, he's right here" he mumbles as if embarrassed that he was that angry at first and takes the receiver off his ear "Boy, this is for you" he says and all of us turn to him surprised. At first, I don't think he's talking to me, but then again he's staring at me so I guess it should be me

"W-what?" nobody ever looked for me, nobody ever cared enough to call. I know that mom called uncle Luke every now and then late in the evening, to ask if there's any progress, if I'm acting differently, but she never asked to talk to me and I never expressed any will to do so either. At first I got quite tense, because I surely didn't want to talk to my mother or father after the day I had, but then Luke came by my side and handed me the phone

"It's your brother, he wishes to talk to you. You have fifteen minutes and take this somewhere else" he orders and I nod, not asking twice as I stand up and rush to the living room, which was deserted right now.

It's Damon! My brother's calling! I was both happy and afraid at the same time. I had no idea what to do, or say. Last time we talked we were in a fight and he left hating me for wanting to go away instead of let him take care of me.

With much more fear in my heart now than before I pressed the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" I say carefully, still not sure it will be him on the other line

"Stefan!" he exclaims on the other line "Finally, brother" I take a deep breath, he didn't sound mad, at least not for now

"Damon" I say his name barely audible, afraid that if he doesn't answer again I'll never hear from him again. I feel the heart beating too fast in my chest and I try to command it to slow down, I didn't need to collapse right now when I was talking to my brother. My eyes water and I grit my teeth, trying to suppress my excitement

"Brother" I add, and that is enough for me. He was Damon, he was my brother, I didn't need anything else in this life.

"Hey, kiddo, how are you?" he asks, now more seriously, but I can still sense the cheerfulness in his voice though that doesn't calm my heart. I try to take deep breaths in order to calm it down. If it decided to stop now I would fucking kill it!

"I'm good, I'm fine" I say even though I'm in many ways broken. I look down at myself, the sling hanging from my neck and my heart beating in my ears. I was still a mess, but I was trying. "How are you? How's the residency going?"

"Oh, it's good, I had this amazing surgery the other day" he begins and spends the next five minutes eagerly explaining about the surgery he participated in and how amazing the human brain looks on the inside, which I doubted, but I was glad that he was talkative and that he seemed so happy. The chest in my pain reminded me that if I was there, he would surely be more troubled, because he would've had to worry about me and I sigh relieved that his life is fine, that everything's how it should be "But, oh, God I blabbed, tell me about you?" he asks

"I'm alright" I give him the same response again "I learned many things here in the farm. I take care of the cattle and work in the garden too" I say and the moment I do so, I realize that it probably sounds very stupid to him.

"Really?" he exclaims surprised "I have a hard time imagining you being a good old farmer. You're not overtiring yourself, are you?"

"No, not at all" I lie and ignore the beating of my heart again. I swear I felt like I'm losing all ground underneath me.

"How is uncle Luke threating you? Is he being too stern?"

"No, he's fine, I've got used to him. He's fair to me and threats me the way I deserve to be threated" I respond the way I feel, but he's not convinced

"Stefan, you think you should be punished for everything you did in your life, so I'm not sure if that's really an answer to calm me down" he says and I smile even though he's not really joking

"How's Bonnie doing? Give her my best. I never got to say goodbye to her" I say and I hear him get too silent on the other side, he sounded tired, but it must've provoked something in him with those words

"She's fine" he clears his throat and I realize that this is where it gets kind of awkward, now that we've cleared most of the questions out and we're getting to the other most uncomfortable ones.

"Damon" I say as I swallow hard "I've missed you brother." I admit "I know why you haven't called. I understand, but I just wanted you to know I've missed you and…and that I'm sorry for the way things went the last time we saw each other" I blurt out before I can stop myself and feel my heart trump faster and faster and I hate myself for not being able to control it

He goes silent for a minute on the other line and I'm afraid he'll hang up when he finally responds

"I've miss you too, Stefan" he admits and his voice is different now, somehow even warmer. He's not hiding behind cheerfulness or seriousness, he is being himself "And I hate myself for not calling earlier, I just needed some time to make sense of it all. " he explains and I nod even though he can't hear me "Please, don't be angry with me."

"I'm not, I never could be" I assure him and I hope that he's smiling now "You're my brother" I add and when he doesn't respond for a minute or so I get worried "Damon?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm here, kiddo" he says and clears his throat again, which means he got emotional and I hated myself for causing him pain

"I'm glad, cause soon I'll have to hang up" I explain as I hear the movement in the kitchen "I'm not allowed to talk for more than fifteen minutes…or talk at all actually, but you must be uncle Luke's weak spot"

"Really?" he exclaims surprised "Wow, this is like a boot camp then. Okay, I'll be quick. I just wanted to tell you that I'll have a few free days at the end of this week and I was thinking of coming by and seeing you if that's fine."

"You'd do that?" I can't believe his words and I stare down at my chest mentally scolding my heart for being such an asshole right now and refusing to calm down "Damon, that's great. I can't believe it."

"Why, is it so awful that your brother is going to visit you?"

"Yes, it's a terror for my poor socks that you'll steal once again" I joke and we both laugh "I'll give you uncle Luke to talk to, though" I explain, worried that they might forbid me from seeing him or letting him come here in the first place

"Okay, do so" he says sounding cheerful and I stand up, slowly heading to the kitchen, just before I get in there he speaks up again though "Stefan, are you sure everything's fine? You sound very tired. You're not hiding something from me, are you?" he asks and my breath gets stuck in my throat for a short moment as I go back to last night's events or the afternoon from a few weeks back when my heart almost gave up on me again and I had to lie down and hide inside from the burning sun outside. I was okay, though, I knew I was okay. And he had to believe so.

"I'm perfectly fine, Damon" I lie without blinking an eye, because I love him that much and when you love someone you have to make sacrifices.

"Fine" he exclaims relieved and I'm glad I've fooled him. I get in the kitchen and give the phone to uncle Luke. I'm tense while they talk and feel like I'll pass out, my heart is still being a bitch and I curse it under my breathe, causing Karen to give me a suspicious look. When they hung up, Luke remains silent for a few minutes, because he loves to drive me insane and then he looks up and announces with one of his usual grunts.

"Your brother is probably going to visit us at the end of this week."

And I smile. For the first time in months, this is a genuine smile.

Even Melanie notices it. And she makes fun of me.

I forget all about the pain I feel and when I go to bed and Karen is still worriedly making sure I'm fine and is tucking me in, I'm at peace.

Finally.

* * *

By the end of the week I try to get back on my feet, even though Karen is constantly following me and making sure I take my meds and that I eat enough. She changes my bandage every evening and gives me some really good old scolding when on the second day I take off the sling, wake up at five and go back to working in the garden.

The apples still needed to be picked and Luke was busy working downtown while Tom was having football practice and I was the only person who had to get it all done. She was very reluctant to let me go, but I didn't really ask her-I just picked up my stuff, got dressed and went out there-lying around the house for one more day would've completely killed me, plus my excitement about Damon coming made my heartbeat too damn problematic, which also didn't escape Karen's eye as after my talk with him, I was so pale, I almost passed out.

We weren't sure exactly when he'll come, because he had to arrange his schedule an clear up as much free space as he could, but on Friday I was excited about him coming. I went out in the garden and try to bury away all my nasty thoughts, yet somehow, I was nervous-talking with him on the phone was one thing and actually seeing him and being with him after that awful fight we had…that was something completely different. I was afraid he would still be angry at me, but what bothered me more was that he might have questions and I wasn't willing to answer those.

I started calming down as noon passed and he was still nowhere to be seen. I decided that if he hasn't come by now, he will arrive at earliest tomorrow, so I demanded my damn broken heart to calm down, put my hat on and kept picking the damn apples.

Sadness and loneliness came back to me and I wasn't done with even half the work when I felt too tired to keep going. I decided that I won't go back to the house though, so I kept working until I felt the sweat on my back. The sun which was already starting to set was burning my neck, but I didn't pay any attention to it at all. In fact, I didn't even hear Melanie's calls to me until she came running by the tree I have climbed.

"Stefan! Stefan!" she yelled and I almost dropped the apple I was holding on her head "Why aren't you hearing me!" she crossed her hands on her chest and gave me one of her really sweet pouty faces

"What is it Mel?" I ask and try to cover my smile. She was a sweet child and she always had a way to make me laugh

"Momma wants you back at the house!" she says annoyed that she had to come all the way down here "Right now!"

"But I have more work to do, I can't go back, plus it's not yet dinner time." I try to make good arguments and I knew I was right. Even if the sun was setting, I knew that Luke can't be back from the city yet, I would've heard the truck. Or at least I thought so-obviously I was very lost in my own thoughts.

"She said you would say so, but made me promise to drag you down and use all means necessary if I have to" she bends down and picks up an apple from the bucket I've put them in and threatens to throw it at me

"Really, Mel?" I ask surprised and chuckle "You'll hit me?" I don't believe her and before I know it I feel a pretty strong pain in my back "Ouch! That hurt! Okay, okay I'm coming down, goddammit."

"Don't swear or I'll tell momma!" she threatens again and I sigh as I start going down the ladder. She doesn't wait for me to even take a breath and brush away the dirt from my clothes when she grabs my hands and starts pulling me to the house

"What's this fuss all about anyway?" I ask her, but just like her father she grunts at me and gives me an angry look as she keeps dragging me.

I sigh, but in ways I'm relieved-maybe Karen was right, I think I needed to take it easy these days. I've overtired myself and I was starting to get sleepy.

"For the love of God, Melanie, will you tell me what-"I am interrupted because when she finally pushes the door open and rushes me inside I lose all thoughts when I see the person I've been missing all those weeks, the only one I've been dying to see again.

Damon.

* * *

 **A/N: Okay, I guess I need to clear some things out here. I understand that most of you are not happy with the way things turned out with Stefan, but my initial idea was to always let him go away for a little while, try to deal with things on his own. The story is Defan, that's true, but it's also much about Stefan and what he's going through.**

 **I've written most of this story parts out and I was reluctant to post it, mostly because of the fact that there are chapters focusing mostly on Stefan and that's why I've cut many parts of those chapters and posted a short version of those stuff here. Some of you mentioned that it seems like I'm rushing and trying to make the story get to the end too fast-the story was never supposed to be more than 4-5 chapters, but when I sat down and started writing I somehow ended up writing too much, digging into stuff too deep and that's why it got bigger. Damon's actions, to me, are not illogical. I know that he is a different Damon here, that's he's good, more kind-hearted, but he's still Damon and when Damon gets hurt he takes a lot of time to recover. Stefan hurt him with his words, he pushed him away and Damon hated that. That is why he let him go, because Stefan dug a hole in his heart and that's why he didn't call and look for him right away-he needed time.**

 **One of the reviewers wanted more humor and to those of you who have read my previous story you know that I focus mostly on the sad, realistic parts of the storyline instead on the happy stuff. I understand that there are some of you who do not enjoy this story anymore and if that's the case then you should probably just not read it. I'm sorry if I am not living up to your expectations. My initial idea was to show a ruined kid with a messed up reality, who feels lonely and who has a hard time gaining anyone's trust. His family, his relatives, they all see him as a bad person because he screwed up with the drugs and he was always rebeling against what he was told and now that he's at crossroads, he has to deal with many things on his own. His love for his brother is what drives half of his actions now-Damon is the only person he ever loved and who always was there for him and he doesn't want to hurt him like he hurt everyone else.**

 **And one last thing-I am sorry but I won't be updating Rattle my cage now as I have exams going on and I'm struggling with that. I'll try to post as soon as I'm done with them.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Damon's POV**

I stand abruptly from the chair Karen put me in when I arrived her half an hour ago. I was tired and kind of sweaty from the road, but I was eager to see Stefan, yet she insisted on me sitting down and taking a breath, trying to relax. I couldn't relax, I wanted to see my brother, but she was one stubborn woman. She kept asking me about my life and Bonnie, the residency, my parents until I begged her to let me just see Stefan which is when she finally send her daughter to call him and here we were.

My little brother who was just as stunned to see me as I was him.

"Damon!" he exclaims and runs to me. I open my arms and pull him in for a tight hug. God, he was such a kid, yet he seemed so different to me than he did a month ago when he was in the hospital "You came!" he blurts out while I rub his back. I couldn't have been happier as I held him in my arms-it's been so long since we last saw each other and our encounter in our parent's house wasn't the best one we've had.

"Of course, I came, kiddo, did you think I was joking?" I ask when we pull back and I take a good look at him.

He still seems broken to me, but he's somehow stronger than before. He's dressed in old shabby clothes, and a really big sweater that made his arm look somehow normal if you didn't know there was something wrong with it, his skin was a bit tanned, which made him appear less pale and unhealthy than before, but his eyes…his eyes were still as sad, if not more.

"Gosh, when did you get so big? You've been away for a month and you're almost as tall as me!"

"Oh, please, don't give him arguments to use against me" Karen interrupts somewhere behind us "I can't make him eat a damn thing, it's a battle to lead every single day."

"Don't listen to her, she likes to exaggerate" Stefan whispers and winks, which makes me smile

"I can hear that!" Karen announces from the sink where she's drying out some plates and I feel a certain warmness in my heart when I realize that she actually cares for him more than our mother ever did

"I'm so happy to see you" we both say at the same time when we take good look of one another and that makes us laugh.

I throw my arm over his shoulders and pull him in for a tight hug again. I've missed him too much to let him go that easily and I rub my fist in his head which I knew he hated. Soon we're hitting and tickling one another and we look like kids who are fooling around, we almost fall to the ground and if it wasn't for one of the babies on the floor throwing something at Stefan we wouldn't have stopped

"Oh, hey, Nate" Stefan greets him as he leans down and attempts on picking him up but at the same time, Karen turns around and scolds him right away which surprises me

"Stefan, no, you're not supposed to pick anything heavy" she says seriously and Stefan suddenly stops in this strange position between picking the kid up and leaving it down "The doctor said you need to be more careful now"

"Doctor? What doctor?" I interrupt surprised and worried at the same time and Stefan sighs annoyed as he leaves the twin back on the floor and swallows hard

"Thank you, aunt Karen" he mumbles under his nose and she crosses her arms on her chest, obviously still angry at him, but feeling a little guilty for ratting him out as well

"What doctor, Stefan?" I refuse to let the subject go and he gives me a fearful look when I grab his arm and get all serious. I realize that I'm probably scaring him and reminding him of father so I let him go right away and clear my throat "Will you tell me what's wrong?"

"Why don't we go out and I show you around and then we can talk, yeah?" he suggests and I agree, because I have no will to fight in front of Karen.

I want to be with Stefan, listen to him, let him tell me all about his life here, but I am a little angry that he hasn't told me anything about it, especially after I specifically asked him about his condition the other day when we talked on the phone.

He takes me outside and slowly goes down the stairs. Only now do I realize that there is a certain caution in his actions, as if he's protecting himself, saving all his strength, trying to be careful, something which I didn't have the chance to notice. He takes off to what seems to me like uncle Luke's famous apple garden and for a few minutes we are silent, even if he knows that I'm growing impatient.

"Will you care to elaborate, brother?" I ask and he nods as he waits for me to catch up with him and we both start slowly walking down the meadow

"I was waiting for you to cool off" he smiles, but when I don't respond he sighs and decides to get serious "Okay, now, don't get mad or anything, please" he begins and I'm ready to interrupt him, but he continues before I can speak up "It's nothing serious, my arm has just been giving me a hard time and they took me to the doctor that's all."

"What does hard time mean exactly in this case?" I don't want him to get away with anything, because right now I am cursing myself for not calling earlier, for being so angry at him and letting that anger blind me and made me forget that he was still a kid who had a very terrible health and who needed care. Care that rough uncle Luke probably wasn't providing.

"It has swollen, that's all, don't make a big deal out of it."

"Not make a big deal out of it! Stefan, you're probably overworking yourself! I have to talk to uncle Luke! He's not-"

"No!" he stops abruptly and raises his hand "This has nothing to do with uncle Luke and you know it. Me being screwed up like this is nobody's fault but mine, so I won't blame it on other people. They've been feeding me and making sure I get my medications, they have done nothing wrong" he explains patiently and I wonder when he got like this. So wise and smart.

He used to be confused, irrational, even scared the last time I saw him. Now he seemed as if he has spent time thinking about this, instead of rash into conclusions and give in to his emotions. The fact that he was defending uncle Luke was saying a lot right now.

"Please, I don't want to start fighting from the minute you've come here" he begs and I swallow hard realizing that I've been the one acting immaturely and rushing to blame it all on someone else "It's been a while since we last saw each other and I've missed you. I don't want to lose whatever time we have here on unnecessary fights, especially when it's nothing that deserves attention or worry."

"Stefan, I will always worry" I explain and he sighs as we keep walking to the garden "Are you sure that you're alright? When did this all even happen?"

"I'm fine, really, I feel way better now." he promises "It happened earlier this week and yes, I know that I lied to you when I shouldn't have, but I was really excited to have you here and I didn't want to waste time on petty talks about an arm that I can't bent anymore, because it's just not worth it." he explains himself once again and I finally nod, agreeing to drop the subject, for now

"Okay, but I want to check it out later" he sighs as he opens up the gate to the garden "I know, I'm annoying, but I'm a doctor so bear with me. I won't give up."

"Fine" he huffs "But you'll buy me a burger or something."

"Why would I do that?" I ask confused and he chuckles

"Cause I'm going to let you see my screwed-up arm even if I don't want you to do this and cause I haven't had a burger since I got here." he complains and for a moment I see the child in him, which warms my heart.

"Deal" I agree and he smiles widely. I'm glad that he's asking me to buy him burgers and not something else like alcohol and drugs. There was definitely progress with him ever since he got here.

"So, how's that residency going for you?" he asks as he shows me around the garden and tells me all the work he did today, which amuses me.

The life he was leading was so different to me, I could never imagine Stefan in an apple garden dressed in washed out jeans and shabby shirts doing field work of any sort.

I remember him always as this bad boy dressed in sweaters or leather jackets, drinking beer at parties and wearing sunglasses. Now he seemed somehow calmer, wiser, very observant and he listened to every word I had to say carefully, even asked me for some things while I explained him all about the residency. He never took interest in that before.

He walks me all around, shows me the other garden and the tomatoes that he grew and how proud he was of them, even if uncle Luke wasn't doing anything to praise him for it. Then we take down another meadow and end up near the sheep. Uncle Luke had a relatively big herd that Stefan took care of every morning and evening-yet another thing that surprised me. We leaned on the big fence and observed them for a while, the sun was finally setting in the distance and colored the sky in orange and bright red.

"So" Stefan speaks up and breaks the silence "Are you going to tell me what you're really doing here, Damon?" he turns to me and his eyes look so wise in this moment that they completely blow me away. He obviously sees my confusion, because he smiles and looks back at the sheep

"I know that there's more to this, brother. You were mad at me and you can hold a grudge for months. It's your only flaw. And if you've decided to come here and forgive me so easily after I hurt you that much, there has to be a reason."

"Stefan, I came here because I wanted to" I say seriously, but I'm still amused that he saw right through me "I really missed you, that is why I came" he waits patiently, doesn't interrupt me "There is also another reason, you are right."

Stefan tenses and turns to me, trying to hide his worry away as he swallows hard

"Is it mom and dad?" his voice is cold, distant when he speaks about them "Is it something they want from me again?"

"No, no, nothing of the sort. They didn't want me to come see you, said there was no point. Of course, I didn't listen" I admit, knowing how much headache my visit will bring us "It's something good"

"Do you want to give me another heart attack, Damon" he scolds, nervous that I'm not already spitting up. I swallow hard and smile to myself.

"Bonnie is pregnant" I announce and turn to him only to see the most surprised expression on his face.

"No way!" I watch him go from confused to happy and he smiles "Really? You're going to be a father?" he gets more and more excited with every minute and I see the child in him again. I never thought he'll be that happy at the news "I'm going to be an uncle? Really, Damon?"

"Absolutely seriously, brother, I wouldn't joke for that" I reassure him and before I know it, he's throwing himself in my embrace and hugging me tight

"I'm so happy, Damon!" he mumbles while his head is buried in my chest and I feel even happier, now that I've shared the most wonderful news with him "But when? How did you find out?" he asks once he lets go of me and I feel my eyes well up from joy. I'm so relieved now that I've told him, I feel so light.

"We found out last week. She's already in the second month."

"Oh my God, I can't believe this!" he jumps from joy and this is the first time in months I see him happy. He climbs on the fence, spreads his hands and laughs out loud sincerely "I'm gonna be a fucking uncle!"

"Okay, you better get down before you become a paralyzed uncle, what do you say?" I joke, but I'm actually as always, worried for him. He smiles back and settles down on the fence, turning to me, his face beaming

"Do you know what it's going to be? Have you thought about names? What about a nursery?" he blurts out and I chuckle, still enjoying all the happiness he's giving me

"We don't know yet, it's very small, Stefan. It's like a little bean" I explain and he nods, smiling back and staring at the sky

"A bean…that little?" he asks and I nod. "A little baby." he comments than as if to himself "You better threat them well, Damon! Or I'll kick your ass with my uncle powers!" he warns next

"I will." I promise "And you will help me, won't you?" I ask, getting my hopes up "You'll come back, right?" at my words, his face darkens, his smile disappears and he swallows hard as he avoids my look

"Maybe one day" he explains "But the thing is…I don't think I can go back to the city now, not yet. I've just started getting used to this way of life, Damon and going back…scares me. There are many things out there that can pull me back to this eternal cycle of misery and self-destruction" he is talking about the drugs and the alcohol and I nod in understanding "As harsh as uncle Luke is, he helped me keep all those demons at bay. At least for now. He's giving me exactly the attitude I deserve."

"Gosh, when did you get so wise, kiddo?" I speak my thoughts out loud and he smiles shyly

"I'm not wise. I'm just trying to do the right thing" I want to tell him that he never really did anything wrong. That the drugs and the alcohol were his way of getting over all the awful things mother and father did to him, that he was never guilty of that. "Come on, I have to take those guys back before Karen has called us for dinner."

I watch him take care of the herd, bring it back to the barn and then close the heavy wooden doors, doing all of it by himself and with basically one arm, since the other was that screwed up.

Uncle Luke comes back just after Karen sets the table, gets a quick shower and we are all allowed to sit on the table-I guess that's how they did it here, we never had diner together in our family.

Uncle Luke greeted me in his typical grumpy way, there were obviously other things on his mind and when he finished talking to his son Tom and asking his daughter about school he started interrogating Stefan about his work and what he got done today, without showing in any way that he was happy with it.

"I want you to finish all the work at the apple garden tomorrow" he orders and looks at him as if trying to determine if Stefan's strong enough for that "Can you do it, boy?" he asks and Stefan nods while I furrow my eyebrows. Couldn't he see how hard it was for my brother, that he was in pain? Did he have to pressure him so hard?

"Maybe I can help him too. I don't have anything else to do" I suggest and Stefan shoots me a worried while uncle Luke seems quite surprised

"You?" he asks, not really believing I can deal with that kind of work and to be honest, I wasn't sure I could, but I can't do any harm, right? "Okay, good" he agrees "Just try not to mess things up."

"I was thinking we can all go downtown tomorrow evening" Karen interrupts him "The kids want to see the town's fair and we can show Damon around" she suggest and Luke grunts, obviously not really liking the idea, but wanting to please his wife as well

"Fine. But the boy comes only if he does all his work" he lets out seriously and Karen's eyes go wide

"Luke!"

"What? He's already free from his lessons with you this weekend, I'm not going to cut him any more slack" he looks at her as if surprised "I'm serious, he can come only if he gets everything done. I'm not going to soften up just because his brother is here. The same rules apply always, no matter what and he better be aware of it" he turns to my brother

"Yes, sir" I he nods and for the first time I realize how hard this all must be for my brother.

"Good." Luke grunts annoyed as he digs back in his plate and Karen throws me an apologetic look while Stefan keeps wolfing down his food-he seems really hungry. "We've agreed that you'll earn everything here. If you want to come tomorrow and spent time with your brother, you work for it and earn it, understood?" he continues his lecture and Stefan nods, agreeing with him, but I can see that he's sad.

He probably doesn't think he can get all of it done and miss on his opportunity to be with me. He wasn't even ready with half the trees today when I went to see him and I knew Luke wasn't being fair.

After dinner, Stefan and I played a bit with the twins in the kitchen. It turned out that Nate is only listening to my brother and rebelling against everyone else. Karen said that's because they are the same and as I observed them I realized she's right.

He was really good with the kids who were trying to learn how to walk, but what really stunned me was where Stefan was sleeping. It was this really small place which I guessed must've been a wardrobe or a small room of some kind where he had only a bed and a chair to throw his clothes at. He showed me all his books that he kept under it.

He said he has started reading and I was surprised. Stefan never read. Anything. He hated it. He said it's stupid and it takes too much time so I was surprised when he told me that Karen lends him some books from her personal library.

"Don't look so stunned, Damon" Karen interrupts us when she comes back in the kitchen to clear out some stuff after she put the twins to bed "He's an eager reader."

"I just…I've never seen you even pick a book, Stefan. Never in your life!" I exclaim just as surprised and he chuckles

"I think I'm going to go to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow" he announces with a yawn

"I'll come help you too, okay?" I promise and he nods, agreeing with my without trying to talk me out of it

"Not so fast, mister we have to change your bandage" Karen scolds just as he's about to lie down and he sighs annoyed

"I took it off" he blurts out, but he says it somewhat silent, because he's afraid of what will follow

"You did what?" she asks angry as she approaches us and even I get scared of her "What do you think you're doing, mister?" she crosses her hands on her chest for a brief moment and Stefan swallows hard.

He seems more scared than in any of the encounters he had with Luke that I witnessed tonight and for once I was on Karen's side so I furrowed my eyebrows and gave him an angry look myself

"I…I just, uh...it didn't hurt me so" he starts making up apologies when we exchange looks and she nods, which is her permission to act. I grab Stefan by the hood and pull him up, pushing him gently to the chairs near the table "But I-"

"You better shut up right now, young man" she warns him as I push him down on one of the chairs and watch her take down all the medical supplies from a cupboard above the sink "Cause you're in deep trouble. Take that sweater off. If you think you're fooling me by carrying large clothes, you're a real idiot." Stefan gets a bit angry himself, probably because he doesn't think we're right.

At least that hasn't changed from before-he wasn't eager to take any care of himself and that always pissed me off to no extent. I watch him take off the sweater and when his arm is exposed to me I realize that Karen was right-he was not okay, he's just been trying to hide it. His elbow is pretty swollen and he avoids looking at me.

"It's okay Karen, I'll take care of it" I announce with a serious voice when she's placed everything on the table and as I reassure her with a nod she agrees

"Scold him for me, will you?" she adds and before she leaves she leans down and ruffles his hair, giving him a quick motherly kiss on the forehead, something I've never seen our mother do.

When we're left alone, I take his arm gently in mine, take a good look at it before I make him the bandage and slowly carefully start wrapping it up. He squeezes his eyes, because it hurts, but he doesn't let a single word out, he's clenching his jaw and gritting his teeth and not letting me know how bad it is even if he forgets I'm not blind.

"You're angry" he announces when he can finally catches his breath

"I am" I say silently and feel him tense at my touch "One of the reasons why I never wanted you to come here, was because you live away from the city and if anything happens to you…it will be a long time before you can get any help"

"Damon, nothing will happen" he responds while all the gruesome possibilities of him being in pain flash through my eyes as the have every evening when I go to bed

"Stefan, you had two heart attacks when you were in a damn hospital and you barely survived there where you were surrounded by doctors. How do you think your chances are here?" I ask him seriously as I let go of his hand and look him in the eyes. He's strangely calm, but serious too "If something happens, if your heart gives out on you in the middle of nowhere and there's no one to –"

"Damon" he interrupts me and grabs my hand "Whatever happens, happens. I've made peace with myself about this. What? You think I haven't thought about it?" he asks "I have. But I can't live in fear. I am trying to keep going, I'm trying to fight all this and to survive and I feel good right now." he reassures but I shake my head

"What about me?" I ask and look at his now confused face "Have you thought what I'll do if something happens to you?"

"Damon, don't-" he tries interrupting me, but I find his hand and squeeze it, demanding an answer

"Have you?" I ask sincerely and he sighs, looking away from me, refusing to meet my eyes

"Stop this!" he begs me "Just stop it! You will keep going like you have by now. That's it. You don't have other choices. You'll be a father and you have to think for someone other than you and your needs. You'll have a child to love and take care of, to protect. So spent some time thinking of that, instead of me and where I live or what I do. You have other responsibilities now. The responsibility of being a father." he blurts all of this and then stands up. I'm done with his bandage and he wants to put an end to this conversation. He turns his back to me and heads to his bed

"And what about my responsibility of being a brother?" I raise my voice and he suddenly stops, but he doesn't look back

"I'm freeing you from it" he says, then keeps walking and hides behind a curtain, that is hiding his small word consisting of a bed, a dozen books under it and a broken chair just like his broken body.

* * *

The next morning I wake up around seven. I've set an alarm so I can be up early and go help Stefan in the apple garden, but I'm extremely sleepy mainly because I couldn't fall last night after the conversation we had. I spent a few hours thinking over everything he said and kept wondering why he was still so bent on pushing me away, even when he was here. There was more to this, but I guess I was too tired to figure it out now.

When I go downstairs I'm surprised to find everyone already up. Karen is making breakfast, the twins are in their chairs and while chewing cookies are staring at the cartoon on the TV, Melanie is already eating her eggs and Tom is going through his History book, obviously doing some last-minute studying.

"Where's Stefan?" I ask surprised, as I look right and find my brother's bed empty and fail to see him anywhere near the table. Karen smiles as she puts a plate of eggs and sausages in front of me before I've even sit down

"Oh, he's been up for two hours already." she announces and my jaw drops "He's the first one to wake up" she continues updating me on the things that everyone in the house are obviously aware of "He takes care of the cattle and does all the chores."

"I have to go help him" I say angry at myself for not knowing this. Maybe he did it on purpose last night when he failed to mention it

"Eat first, please" she begs "Then you can get him a sandwich and some coffee" she puts a small bag with two sandwiches next to me and a flask full of the coffee that my brother loved so much.

I wolf down my breakfast, grab the things she gave me and head out to the apple garden. I'm surprised to find the sun already shining so strongly that it made me feel hot and as I look down at my clothes I realize that I'm not exactly dressed for work on the field-I'm with the new plaid shirt Bonnie bought for me last week and nice khaki pants-an outfit I usually go to work with.

At first I can't see my brother-the garden is big and the apple trees are so many that I can't see through them, but when I call him out he responds and helps me orientate so I can find him.

He's up in one of the trees, his blue cap is on and his white shirt is already half sweated

"Oh, hey, you bringing breakfast?" he asks with a smile on his face, but I can see he's tired

"Right here, brother" I assure and he starts getting down. Soon he jump from the wooden ladder he uses to get to the top and I realize that seeing him up there actually scared me so much that I've hold my breathe

"You better got a shirt for me too" he asks as he grabs away the bag of sandwiches from me, frantically opens it and once he finds them, digs right in while I take out the shirt Karen gave for him "Oh, good, good." he says obviously satisfied with the things I got for him.

"Okay, so what do I have to do?" I ask and he almost chokes on his coffee when I do so "Stefan, we agreed that I'll help."

"Brother" he begins seriously "I appreciate you wanted to do this for me, but you can't" he begins and I furrow my eyebrows confused, only to see him put down the cup he's holding and turn up his palms to me. I swallow hard as I see the blood and the dirt on his hands. Multiple little cuts all over them, his fingers puffy from all the work he's done, even a few bruises

"You" he begins" Are going to be the greatest surgeon of our time and I am not going to be the person to screw your good hands up."

"How did you get those?" I ask confused as I grab his hand in mine and stare down at his rough palms

"It's from all the branches and the twigs while I try to get to the apples" he explains as if it's no big deal

"But then why don't you use gloves?" I ask stubbornly again, refusing to accept that uncle Luke is doing all this for my brother's own good

"Gloves are for pussies" Stefan spits out as if it's the most disgracing thing I could propose "Now, you can help me carry the full buckets. I have a system so I can do things fast" he explains and for a moment I feel like he's so much more older than me "There are a few of them already waiting to be taken care of on this row" he points out behind me and I see all the buckets he has already filled" You empty them over there" he orders and shows me to the corner of the garden "Then come back and put them under the trees for me so they can be ready when I get up there. Got it?" I can't believe that all those words were said by him, but he is oblivious to my confusion because he pats me on the shoulder and moves to another row while I stand there and watch him, thinking how much he's changed and how before we couldn't even convince him to make his own bed.

Throughout the day he works really hard and refuses to let me help him in any other way from the one he has already said. Sometimes we talk and he tells me more about the live here or he asks me about my life and what new is there. But there are moments, hours even when he's so buried in his own work that he forgets I'm there. He takes all of this very seriously and from time to time I notice that he gets really tired.

He would stop and take a few deep breaths, drink some water and rub his numb bad arm, but he wouldn't waste more than five minutes before he goes climbs up another tree. He doesn't want to stop for lunch, he just eats the other sandwich I've brought him in the morning, but he sends me back to the house to get some rest. By the time I get back he's getting close to being ready. I'm so surprised by what I'm seeing that I can't believe it's Stefan who's doing all this.

I find him different in many ways. Before he would always whine when he had to do something and he would sarcastically make fun of everyone else whenever they tried to be serious. He was spoiled in ways, even if I didn't want to admit so, and he could be extremely ungrateful.

Now there was nothing of this left in him. He spoke less and put all his strength into finishing the job. He didn't complain. About anything.

He didn't say a word when we got back to the house and there was no hot water for him. He didn't say a thing when after he was just dressed, little Nate stained his shirt with chocolate, he just got up and changed. He wasn't mad when uncle Luke told him that he might've done the job but he didn't do it perfectly. He agreed that he wasn't as good as he was supposed to. He didn't say a word out when he was scolded for not giving too much food to the cattle and for forgetting to take care of the dogs. He didn't mind when uncle Luke told him he'll miss a dinner next week because of it and he just agreed to it all with a nod.

And I was stunned.

I felt like I was so much more spoiled than him. Spending the day in the garden made me realize that I have it all so good. I had enough food, a good comfortable bed, clothes, I was working hard, but I enjoyed it a lot, because I learned something new every day. I had Bonnie to love me and my parents to support me.

And Stefan had nothing. Literally.

His hands had to bleed from working all day long if he wanted to get the chance to have decent dinner.

Yet he was so happy when we got downtown. The town's fair turned out to be more interesting for me than I supposed and Stefan was enjoying it as much as the kids. I bought him cotton candy and he gave half of it to Melanie who wanted more but wasn't allowed to.

Whenever we went people recognized uncle Luke and some of them even greeted Stefan. He said they know him from church. But they were all very cautious of him. As if they were afraid he'll do something to them.

We were waiting on the pop corn line while Luke, Karen and the twins remained somewhere behind us as they've met some friends and were talking to them. Tom and Melanie were away on the carousel and Stefan was eagerly waiting for us to get the pop corns. He loved pop corns. I joked that he was a pop corn monster when we overheard the conversation Luke was having with those other people.

"I want you to come and help me finish this job Luke" the man said seriously and I threw a glance at them

"Fine, I can come next week. I can bring Tom and Stefan to help me as well" uncle Luke politely agreed but the other man cleared his throat nervously before speaking up again

"Tom would be just fine."

"Why is there a problem with Stefan?" Luke asks, his voice a bit offended "The boy works hard, he'll be of good help."

"I don't want that junkie of yours around my house, Luke. I have enough troubles with my kids and I don't want them getting together with the wrong crowd." the guy obviously was as rude as uncle Luke. People around here didn't like to make things out to be something that they're not. I turned around to Stefan who was swallowing hard and trying to hide from me that the words had affected him too.

"Stefan!" I called him out when he pulled away from the line "Brother, wait-"

"Give me a few minutes, will you, Damon?" he begs seriously and I decide to leave him alone.

I look back at the people who insulted him but they've already left and uncle Luke who was obviously quite angry was arguing with aunt Karen. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, before anger consumed me.

They could not speak of my brother this way. Not after everything I saw today-he was turning his life around, making everything good and he hasn't done anything even remotely bad ever since he got here, yet they were judging him, without knowing him at all.

"They can't talk like this about someone from my family!" Luke mumbled angrily as they approached the line even closer and I almost smiled. Even uncle Luke was angry. Uncle Luke who pretended to hate Stefan and to not give a shit about him-I won't lift my finger for that damn ungrateful bastard.

"Luke, calm down, honey" Karen said and I turned around, to find her squeezing his hand in a desperate attempt to calm him down but he was just as angry as I was

"I'll kill him!" uncle Luke swears and the twins look up at their dad from the pram more confused than ever

"You won't now, honey" Karen pats his arm again and steps on her toes to give him a kiss on the cheek while uncle Luke continues to furrow his eyebrows "I know that you care about Stefan, it's okay to show it sometimes."

"I don't" Luke grunts as if annoyed, but he smiles back at her and as I look at them, I realize that they've helped Stefan more than I ever had in the past few years.

I buy the pop corn and head out to find my brother. It takes me more than ten minutes and I am almost on the verge of a panic attack when I see him leaning on a wooden fence near a football field where some guys are playing and the townsfolk are watching them.

"Hey" I join him and hand him the pop corns "You alright, kid?" I ask concerned and he nods, even though I see how hard was it for him to hear all those stuff.

Now, however, his attention is focused on the guys on the field. He's watching them and I can see how much his heart aches that he can't be out there. I was wrong when I thought before that maybe he got over this-he never will be. He lost the only thing in his life that made sense to him. I would be devastated if they told me I can't be a doctor anymore and I would surely be in a bigger hole than the one he's now and I knew why.

It's because he's so much stronger than me. I realized that tonight. He never had our parent's love, he never had anyone's support, he's always been scolded and told he can't get anything right, he's been pressured to be better until he bent because it was too much for him. He lost the only thing that mattered to him and ended up experiencing pain every day and then he came here and still kept trying to make things right.

I don't think I could ever do that.

"Stefan" I call him out and he turns around "I'm really proud of you brother" I say sincerely and try to hide my shaky voice "You have no idea how proud I am of you" I throw my hand over his arms and pull him to my chest.

He smiles and I feel him relax in my embrace. I know he needed to hear that after all the pain he experienced tonight.

"You're the strongest kid I know" I add and he smiles shyly, but I don't let him protest, because I ruffle his hair and pull him back to my chest for one final really big hug before I let him go.

"What's gotten into you, brother?" he asks with a smile and I shrug as I shove some pop corns in my mouth so I could swallow my tears "I'm not as strong as you say. I got all the way here only because of you" he adds seriously, but I don't believe that. "Here" he pulls out something from a bag he's holding and I see that it's a little stuffed giraffe "I won it on one of the games while you were waiting for the pop corn. I think the little bean will like it, what do you say?" he asks and I can't help but feel my heart clench at his words. He was already the best uncle and the kid wasn't even born

"We used to have one of these when we were little" I exclaim remembering and he chuckles

"Yeah, we did. I used to sleep with it all the time"

"And chew on his ears! I remember that!" I say as if surprised that I can go that back in time

"Excuse me, you were the one who fought with me about it all the time! I had to steal it from your room every evening and you once cried your ass out about it."

"Well it was mine first" I pretend to be angry but I'm actually enjoying this

"You're supposed to share with your siblings, you know that?" he jokes and I poke him in the ribs with my elbow.

We leave the football game behind and walk around the fair, playing games and eating whatever we can see. He doesn't want us to go back home, because he knows I'm leaving the next morning. When we finally end up back at the house, we stay out late and talk a lot, drinking coffee and discussing whatever comes to mind. He falls asleep on the chair while I make tea and I help him get to bed, tucking him up and making sure he's fine.

And only then do I realize how unwilling I am to leave and how much I'll miss him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Stefan's POV**

Next morning when Damon finally wakes up and comes downstairs, I'm already having breakfast and Nate is in my lap, desperate to play with me and refuse to give me a break even while I was eating.

I've already done half my chores and the rest of the family were getting dressed up as they were about to go to church. Karen convinced uncle Luke to let me stay here this morning and skip it, so I can say goodbye to my brother and I was glad at first, but the more time passed, the more I realize that it's going to be really hard to send him off.

I've grown used to having him here even if it was for two days and I haven't even noticed that I wasn't as sad or as lonely as before he came and that big hole in my chest was somehow smaller while he was here.

But I knew he had to come back to the city, he had to work night shift today and when I thought about it, I realized that we'll all go back to our routines-he'll keep working hard for his bright future and achieve his dreams and I'll keep trying to find a way to breathe easier every day and learn to undergo more pain.

"Hey, kiddo" he greeted me as he ruffled my hair and I'm reminded of those days when mom and dad would be away and we would be all alone in the house. We both woke up late and he would make me breakfast. I always ate all of his favorite cereal. Sometimes he wouldn't want to get up so I went downstairs made myself something to eat and then got up and started jumping on his bed so I would make him get up and play with me. Now that I think about it, I was a pain in his ass "What's on your mind?" he asks and I swallow hard, trying to get over myself.

"Just thinking about stuff" I respond vaguely as he sits down and Karen brings him his breakfast.

"Gosh, I've gained more weight for the two days I've been here than for months back in the city." I laughed at his comment and he gave me a pretended angry look "What now, smartass?"

"Nothing. You were always chubby Damon. You got in shape when you and Bonnie became a couple and started training in bed, if you get what I mean" I joked and winked and that earned me a slap on the neck

"Stefan!" Karen scolded him but burst laughing "You're unbelievable."

"I'm sincere" I joked again while she kept laughing and Nate looked up at me with a big smile on his face as well while Damon pretended to be angry but he was internally laughing too

"I haven't heard you joke even once since you got here. Your brother must be bringing out the best of you" she says and she doesn't even know how right she is. I smile and stop laughing as I look at my brother seriously

"Yeah, he does." Damon smiles back and pats me on the shoulder after which we both dig in our breakfast just as Melanie burst through the door holding their old camera in hands.

She was crazy about taking pictures lately and annoyed everyone when she asked them to pose for her. Sometimes she made really funny photos like that one where the dog was biting uncle Luke's foot and he was cursing or when Karen dropped the frying pan because she tripped over the cat, or the twins both with chocolate all over their faces.

"Momma, momma, can I take the camera to church?" she asks and Karen sighs tiredly as she turns away from the sink so she can deal with her daughter

"No, honey, cameras are not allowed in churches" she explains patiently and Melanie immediately goes sad until she sees both me and my brother on the table and chuckles. She loved teasing me about this and now was her golden opportunity

"Then can I take a picture of Stefan and Damon, momma?" she asks again and me and my brother exchange glances

"Sure, why not, I think those tow could use a picture, huh?" Karen turns to us as she puts her hand on my shoulder and smiles "Damon, come over here" she instructs my brother and he stands up not daring to disagree with her

"Just to make this clear, Mel, I was forced to do this!" I say and Melanie chuckles while my brother drags his chair next to me and throws his arm over my weak shoulders.

I look at myself and realize that I'm with my dirty work clothes and that my t-shirt exposes my bad arm which looks like it's somehow sawn to my shoulder in a ugly unnatural way. Damon senses this because he pulls me to his chest as if I'm a little kid and my arm gets hidden behind his back just as Melanie takes the picture. I hope that we're both smiling because I was about to scold Damon for torturing me again but before I can even ask Melanie about it she jumps away in the other room and we all laugh.

Soon they leave for church and Damon and I are left together to finish our breakfast, but neither of us is actually hungry so leave our plates almost empty and finish up the coffee. We had a great talk last night and we discussed everything going on in our lives, then dug back to our childhood memories and laughed a lot, remembering a time when things were easier for both of us.

He's already running late and he packs the rest of his stuff while I wait outside on the porch and stare at the beautiful meadows before me. I feel lonely. He's about to go and I don't know when I'm going to see him again, which saddens me more than ever. I had a long way ahead of myself. I was still not completely back on my feet. I often had bad moments when the old urges to just get out and do something reckless would appear, but it was easier to drown them when I was tired from working and with uncle's Luke stern behavior.

"Hey, what's on your mind, brother?" he asks when he finally gets out ready to leave.

He's dressed in his nice leather jacket, a freshly ironed shirt and a duffel bag in hand and in this moment he looks so young to me, that I go back to the years before he left for university.

I felt exactly the same way-like I'm going to be the loneliest person on earth. And I was. And I am now, but somehow now I'm wise enough to deal with it on my own, I want to believe I'm strong enough to do this.

"Just thinking about stuff" I brush it off and hope that he can't see the tears in my eyes, but he senses that I'm sad, because he drops the bag and sits right next to me grabbing my shoulder and squeezing it tightly

"You know that we'll see each other soon again, right kiddo?" he asks and I nod looking away "Next time you can come visit me if uncle Luke is okay with that."

"I'll try not to piss him off too much" I attempt at joking but I feel terrible.

That's why I didn't want to go to bed last night-because facing this day meant I had to say goodbye and I didn't want to let him go at all. I didn't want to go back to being a stranger in another person's family, because it made me feel homeless. I didn't want to go to bed at night and think about how different things could've been. I was full of regrets and they were suffocating me

"Listen now" Damon says seriously and I look up "I want you to promise me some stuff" he begins and I nod, listening to him patiently, because I can tell this means a big deal for him "I want you to take care of yourself, okay? For real. I am not here now, I can't look after my little brother and that is really making me feel terrible, because I'm supposed to protect you always no matter what."

"Damon, there's no need to-"

"Wait, please, listen to me." he begs me to hear him out and I nod, agreeing to it and scolding myself for interrupting him "If work is too hard for you, I want you to tell uncle Lucas that you can't do it. If you are in pain, I want you to go to Karen and ask her for help. If you need help of any kind, I want you to call me. I talked to Luke the other night and we reached an agreement." I look at him with hope "You can call me once a week and we can talk for an hour."

"Really?" I ask, not believing my ears

"Absolutely" he smiles and squeezes my shoulder again "But if there's any emergency and you need to call me right away, I want you to do it and not give a damn about him scolding you. It's good that he's keeping a close eye on you, but you can't let them control your life completely. You are your own person and you need to get back on track and do your own thing, okay?"

"Okay." I agree with a nod

"You promise me all that?" he asks seriously and this time I squeeze his arm

"I promise, brother. You don't have to worry that much. I am not a little boy anymore, it's not your job to take care of me."

"I will never stop caring, Stefan. You can't change that" he says with a smile as he ruffles my hair and that makes me laugh, even though I want to cry so much right now and I hate myself for being weak.

We stand up in a few minutes and I send him off to his truck while we talk about the weather and him driving carefully and all the stupid things you say to someone who you just don't want to let go.

He throws his bag in the seat next to him and turns around to give me one last hug. I bury my head in his chest while he rubs my back with his strong arms. I am so sad that he is leaving, but I am glad that we're both fighting so hard to have better lives and I can't be more proud of him.

"I love you, kiddo" he says when he lets me go "Never forget that."

"I love you too, brother" I say and try to give him my strongest smile, but I know he sees right through me "Say hi to me to Bonnie and the little bean. Maybe talk to it, tell them they have an uncle waiting for them to join us in this world" I say and he promises he'll do it.

"I'll call you next week, kiddo. Hold on, okay! I know you can do this-he says one last time before he jumps in his truck and starts the engine."

I wave as I watch him drive off and he waves back from the truck, but I don't get inside until I can't see his truck anymore.

When I lose sight of him I turn around and slowly start walking to the house, but once I make it to the stairs and try to climb them up, I feel a sudden pain in my chest and I have to lean on the railway so I won't fall.

I close my eyes and try to take a few deep breaths as I grab my chest-this has been happening too often lately and I was starting to get scared, but I never said anything to anyone, I would never mention it to Damon no matter what. He wanted to me take care of myself and I was, but that didn't mean I had to worry him.

What I learned in the past few months is that when you love someone you have to make sacrifices and for my brother's sake, I was willing to do so.

Coming here, fighting like this-it was more for him than it was for me. I wanted him to see the boy I was when I was a child, when I gave him nothing but my unconditional love, when I didn't hurt him with my actions and wasn't selfish.

Every time I thought about coming back home, I imagined him sitting on the chair next to my hospital bed with the most exhausted and worried expression and I hated myself for it. He was the thing that too me through all the scolding and the bad words and the awful moments when I didn't even feel like I'm a person ever since I got here.

I took a few deep breaths and slowly made it to the house. It hurt me like hell, there was this awful tightness in my chest and I was hoping that I won't pass out. I poured myself a glass of water and searched nervously through the drawer above it for my heart meds.

When I found the bottle I took two more pills even if I've already had my dosage today and somehow with much effort made it to my bed. I kept worrying what will happen if Karen finds out I've taken more than I was supposed to. I hoped she wouldn't notice plus I was sure everything will be alright.

I managed to drag myself out of bed half an hour later and went out to do my work.

But I was as sad as ever. And I waited till everyone was done with dinner and have gone to bed so I can come home and be all alone with my sadness.

* * *

I was working in the barn again late after midnight, carrying hay stacks and taking care of the animals, since no one did this today. It's been about two weeks since Damon left and I decided to bury myself in work so I can somehow survive all this.

I tried to help out more than before so I can compensate for the days when my hand was swollen and I haven't done any work and uncle Luke seemed relatively satisfied with me. I also went out to work with him and Tom on some constructions downtown, so I wasn't studying with Karen, which she didn't like because she believed I was throwing away my education.

Uncle Luke hasn't said anything about that for now because he needed my help and he made good money out of this and even paid me for it, of course, not much, but everything was appreciated.

I've been talking with Damon on the phone every week for about an hour and that was probably the happiest day out of the week for me. I woke up happy and hopeful for I was going to hear all about him. He said that ever since he found out he was going to be a father he went a bit insane and baby proofed the entire house which pissed Bonnie off.

He wanted me to come visit him next month but I wasn't sure how that's going to happen. I didn't think uncle Luke would agree to let me go there and I was wondering how to tell him while Damon kept pushing the subject and said he won't let me say no and will come get me if he has to, but I didn't want him to do that.

I wasn't sure how things between him and mom were. I wasn't sure they were that great especially after he came to visit me and when I asked him about it, he mumbled something that things were good and hurried to change the subject. I didn't pressure him to talk. I was just hoping everything was fine.

My parents still called uncle Luke every once in a while to ask if I was making any progress, but they never wished to talk to me and I was perfectly fine with that. I think they were happy that I was away and they were in no hurry for me to come back while uncle Luke needed me for doing chores and dealing with half his work. It suited him perfectly, so he didn't want to get rid of me either.

And I wasn't sure what I wanted. I was certain, however, that I want to see Damon next month.

I heard someone open the door of the barn and when I turned around all sweaty and extremely dirty I saw Melanie rush in with a worried expression on her face

"Stefan, Stefan!" she yelled as she finally stopped to take her breathe "You have to come inside!"

"Why, what's wrong?" I ask confused as I drop the hay stock I was carrying on the floor as I see her disturbed expression. Melanie was rarely troubled, she was always jumping around and annoying me

"Dad is really mad. He is angry and sent me to come and tell you to come to the house immediately" okay that explains why she's worried, only Luke could terrify a child like this and I knew that if he send her here now, it meant I was in trouble. I don't waste a minute to follow Melanie outside but once we're there and the cold air wakes me up I stop to brush away the sweat from my forehead with my own shirt and she turns back angry at me for stopping "Come on, please!"

"You go back inside and get to your room" I order and the look on her face gets even more worried "Right now, Melanie. Go!" I tell her and she rushes to the house, entering it from the front door instead of the back where I am headed. I didn't want her to be stuck between uncle Luke and me.

It was really dark and I decide that it is way after dinner, maybe even close to midnight. Uncle Luke was playing poker with his friends every week and I knew that today he would be there and come home late, usually a little bit drunk which always made him angrier. He liked to pick a fight with me on such evenings and I had to be extremely patient with him so that I wouldn't talk bad and get myself in trouble.

I decide to get in because I wasn't getting away with this, so I ran up the porch stairs and opened the door without thinking too much about it. I guess I was at the point where nothing surprised me anymore. Or at least that was before I saw uncle Luke sitting on the dinner table and the shoe box where I kept all the money I was trying to save for my trip for Damon next to him.

I swallowed hard as I closed the door and slowly approached him and he kept staring at the box extremely angry. I guessed that he told everyone else to leave, because Karen wasn't here and I couldn't even hear the TV in the living room. He was pissed though, because when he finally looked up I saw that his eyes were bloody and his eyebrows furrowed.

"Uncle Luke" I began, feeling the fear consume me. This looked a lot like the millions of bad situations I had with my father before I left

"You're saving money" he interrupts me before I can say a thing and raises up slowly "All the money that I gave you they are here."

"Yes, but-" I try to explain again and raise my hands in a desperate attempt to convince him to hear me out, but he won't. I can see that he doesn't want to

"You lied to me that you'll buy clothes" he continues as he turns to me angrily and I realize how big and tough he actually is right now "And you've been saving them! For what? TO BUY DRUGS? You are going to buy drugs, aren't you, you stupid boy?" he yells out as he approaches me and I take a step back towards the counter and the sink

"Uncle Luke, no, please it's not that-"

"It's not that! OF COURSE IT IS THAT! You've been taking more pills than you were supposed to and you were planning on buying drugs, weren't you? WEREN'T YOU?" he yells again and keeps coming at me. I can smell the scotch on him and squeeze my eyes shut for a moment as I recall a time when father was in exactly the same condition

"No, please, that's now that they are for-" I try again, but he won't hear it. He wants to yell and scream and toss and hurt me, and the next thing I know is that my back hits the counter and he blocks my way, closing any possible way I could sneak out

"IN MY HOUSE? YOU DARE DO THIS IN MY HOUSE!" he yells again as he grabs me by the shirt and even raises me a bit. I look him in the eyes but that only seems to make him angrier

"I took just a few more pills only because I was in-" I try to explain that the pain made me take more pills than prescribed lately which is why I finished them faster than before, but I don't get to end the sentence, because I feel him hitting me with the back of his hand and I stagger before I end up on my knees on the floor

"Uncle Luke, please!" I beg him as I raise my hand and feel a harsh pain in my eye and my right cheek while my mouth fills with blood. He grabs my hair and pulls me back as he leans down

"You are a junkie and you'll always be one, but I won't let you disgrace me and my house like that. I'll kick your ass from here to Mystic Falls and back until you become a decent person again because that's what your parents wanted and it is exactly what they'll get, do you hear me?" he asks and I look up at him only to see his furious expression staring at me "DO YOU HEAR, BOY? YOU ARE NOTHING AND MAKE SURE YOU REMEMBER THAT!"

"Luke! What are you doing?" I hear Karen's worried voice as she rushes in the kitchen "Let him go! Let him go, right now!" she comes by his side and pulls him away as if a little confused that she saw this. I couldn't imagine him laying his hand on any of his children, he loved them too much, this must be a surprise to her "What is going on here? Did you do this to him?" she asks as she leans down and takes my already hurting face in her hands, but I pull back and grab the counter with my shaky hands desperate to raise myself up

"He's been saving money to buy drugs!" Luke spits out and this time I talk back

"I AM NOT!" I interrupt him before he can continue with this insanity "I've been saving up for Damon. He wanted me to come visit him next month and since he's expecting a child I was going to buy a present" I blurt it out before anyone can say anything and I look at uncle Luke's who seems taken aback at this moment and takes a back away from us.

Karen is watching us and I can see how mad she already is but my attention is all on uncle Luke. I feel my eye closing because it's swelling and some blood coming down my cheek. He had a ring with which he must've hurt me when he hit me. "I also wanted to pay for the bus tickets myself."

"Luke get out of here!" Karen angrily turns to him and orders, but he furrows his eyebrows despite his confusion

"You still overdosed, boy! I am sure of this. And you will be punished for it!"

"Luke!" Karen yells again

"What? He might as well be lying! We don't know what he wanted to do with all that money and I won't let him get away with it and play the victim here. You'll get what you deserve, boy!" he warns once again and Karen leaves my side only to get up and grab his wrist. She looked him in the eyes persistently but didn't say a word-she didn't need to, he understood her perfectly, he had to leave if he didn't want his wife to yell at him and I hated the fact that I was standing between them.

He pulled away and with a loud grunt he left the kitchen just as I was finally getting back to my feet. Karen rushed by my side when she saw that I staggered and would've fallen if she hasn't come to give me a hand.

"I'm fine" I say under my nose and try to push away "I'm going to bed" I announced, she tried to grab my hand and pull me back to her, but I didn't want to deal with any of them, not now, not ever again

"Leave me alone!" I grunted angrily as I tore myself away from her and headed to my bed, but she stood in my way once again and raised her hands to my chest, begging me to stop. I was so angry right now-I was hurt.

Luke just beat me up like my father did because I've saved money for my own brother. I knew that he was bad and that he hated me, but I never expected him to beat me up. This was the last drop-I couldn't take this anymore.

My father's been doing this to me ever since Damon left the house, now that I've run away all the way here and tried to start fresh, uncle Luke did it again and I was tired.

I was tired of people treating me like crap, I was tired of the bruises on my body, of being the worst person there is to be born who can never do anything right.

Damon was right about me coming here-I would suffocate and I didn't even realize that he was right until tonight. I've been doing everything the way I was supposed to and yet it was never enough, it would never be enough. Not for my parents, not for people like Luke and I couldn't deal with that anymore. It was time I left.

"Karen, leave me alone, please, I want to lie down" I said now less angrily , pretending to be too tired and I give her my most sincere look "We can deal with that tomorrow." I refer to my bruises and my already swollen eye "I want to be on my own" I add to convince her and she steps back as she gives me one last concerned look. I loved her, she's always been good to me, but I couldn't stay. Uncle Luke would never let me breathe, he would never believe me even if I told him that I was in pain which is why I took more pills.

She sighs as she finally leaves, but not before putting the ice back she was holding in my hand and begging me to put it on my eye. I give her one last fake promise and wait for her to turn off the lights and close the door.

Then I toss the ice pack on the table and rush to my "room". I take out the bag I've come with and start shoving whatever I possessed, which isn't much-a few sweaters, some t-shirts and underwear as well as the two books that Karen lend me but I haven't gotten the chance to read. I can't take my meds, because they are not in the drawer when I check for them. Uncle Luke must've moved them when he figured out what's going on tonight.

My money is still in the box on the table, I grab them and shove it in my pocket. I look around and when I figure that this must be it, I go back to bed and pretend to be asleep until everyone in the house have already gone to bed.

As I expected, Karen comes by the kitchen once again to check if I'm okay but when she sees me asleep, she doesn't approach. I'm staring the wall, letting all my tears down as I hear her leave. I have the sudden urge to call Damon, but decide not to do it right now as I'm too angry and upset and that won't do him any good. I couldn't involve him into all this, I didn't have the heart to do it.

When I'm sure that everyone are asleep and can't hear a sound coming from upstairs I stand up and slowly, silently get out. I toss my bag on my shoulder and slowly take down the road. I had a long time to walk till I made it downtown. I wasn't even sure what I wanted to do, but I was sure I couldn't stay here. Tonight was just another reminder that no matter what, my family will never see me as something different from a junkie and a liar and I couldn't stand that.

* * *

The more I walked, the more tired I got, but my mind was a mess and all my thoughts were confused. I kept trying to figure out what to do and I decided to hitchhike and try to find a decent place where I could work for a while until I had to move again so that they wouldn't find me.

I was sure of one thing-I wouldn't go back to uncle Luke's and I wouldn't go back home. I couldn't go to Damon either-I didn't want to. He was expecting his first child and he had his work to think of, he was about to have an amazing future, there was no place for me in it.

Whenever I went, disaster followed and I couldn't go to Damon now, not with things so messed up. He would try to fix me and he'll fail because I am not myself. Because I am drowning in my pain and my loneliness and I wanted to do nothing but to run and scream my lungs out and punch a wall with my fist until I couldn't feel it.

But I was silent. I was silent and I suffered quietly up until now and as I went down the road and nobody passed by I thought how I am the loneliest person on this world and how there is no place for me anywhere in it.

My heart was still as heavy as I finally made it downtown. I bought some food for the road and then took the bus which left me in the outskirts.

It was a bright sunny morning and I thought how by now I usually at this time of day I would deal with the cattle and then work in the garden, but not anymore. I also thought of Damon and what he must be doing. He was probably at the hospital and I had this sudden urge to call him, just to hear his voice if nothing else. I wanted to find some consolation, some peace. I was heavy-hearted and felt like crying, but I couldn't let myself do so. I had to hide it all and try to move on. I took down the dusty road and raised my arm with my thumb up as the trucks and cars full of happy families who lived in beautiful houses and had perfect lives passed by me, leaving me more hopeless than ever.

A man in his late fifties picked me up with his truck and when he asked me where I am going, I told him to just drop me at his last destination. He smiled knowingly, sensing that something with me was really wrong but said nothing.

We talked some until I fell asleep and by the time we arrived we were already in another state, four towns away from uncle Luke's farm which would have to do for now. He dropped me at the town's center and I asked him if there is anyone looking for help around here. He told me there are some farms here and gave me directions. I was tired, it was late in the evening and I had nowhere to sleep.

The town was empty, there wasn't a single person around here or the last few left were going home. I lost a lot of time before I found someone to pick me up but I was glad that this guy brought me so far away from home.

I laughed when I said the word home. I didn't have a home. I haven't had one in a long time. Before I overdosed and ended up in Damon's hospital I was used to living here and there at friend's places, on many occasions I woke up in strange rooms that belonged to people I've met the night before, there were even moments when I woke up on the street, so I wasn't that worried about having no roof above me. I was more than anything, just sad, but I decided to find some bench or some small alley I could sleep in without being noticed by the police and that took me some time as well.

I ended up on this small alley between the diner and the post office, it was dark and I doubted anyone would decide to check for sleeping teens here so I snuck in there, threw my sweater on the ground and lied down, using my bag as a pillow. It was great that the weather was so hot. I felt good even in my t-shirt and when I finally relaxed I looked up at the sky.

I thought how only about a day ago I was still at uncle Luke's. I wonder how angry they were when they figured out I was gone or if they called Damon. I hoped that they haven't because that would only make things worse for him and I didn't want that. I couldn't carry that guilt. But one way or the other he would find out and he would be mad. I hope he doesn't start looking for me.

The tightness in my chest announces its presence again and I close my eyes, hoping that I can fall asleep even with the pain I feel. I knew that not taking my meds would make things difficult now, but I was hopeful that I will work it out somehow. I always worked it out. I've been all alone my entire life and I somehow survived.

The last thought before falling asleep was about Damon. And what he must be doing right now.

* * *

 **A/N: I'm sorry for updating later than usually, had some stuff to figure out when it came to which parts to leave and which to cut off from this whole thing so it can become a decent chapter. Now, someone suggested that they've seen some show/program with a similar story, I have no idea what you're talking about since we don't have such stuff on TV in my country and everything that I write is a product of my own imagination. As far as where the story will go and if Stefan will go back to Damon you'll have to wait and see as he just ended up starting a new "adventure", even if not voluntary. And yes the characters are different from the show and from my other stories, I like to play with them around and to mix things up so don't expect them all to be their usual broody or unpredictable selves as you've seen them on the show. And to those of you who want more humor I will disappoint you cause it's going to get only worse from now on. So really no humor intended. If you don't want to read such heavy stuff you're free not to.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Damon's POV**

I hang up and toss my phone on the bed in our enormous living room. I bury my hands in my hair and sigh heavily as I hear Bonnie open the door behind me.

"No news?" she asks cautiously, because she knows how worried I am and she has no idea how to help me. She can't. It's not up to her. It is all my fault as it always is when it comes to Stefan.

"No, not at all. He is nowhere in the area and nobody has seen him downtown" I respond as I avoid her look, turn around and sit down on the bed, staring at my dirty socks, thinking how once he made fun of me for always stealing his pairs.

"Don't worry, Damon, I'm sure we'll find him soon. He couldn't have gone that far" she tries to help me calm down and she sinks on the bed next to me, embracing my tired shoulders with her gentle arms

I sigh as I let her console me, but I can't get rid of that awful moment when my phone rang and Karen told me she's calling to inform me that Stefan has ran away last night. I almost had a heart attack myself.

I called our parents right away and I was stunned to find out that they already knew, but didn't even bother to call the police or try to look for him. They said they are tired to deal with Stefan and that he'll show up eventually when he finished all the money he had or ended up in some hospital for overdosing.

I couldn't believe their words, but I decided not to argue with them. I had to take things into my own hands, just like I did last time when he disappeared and they refused to help me find him.

I went to the police and they filed him as a missing person. They promised me they'll be on the lookout for him and make sure to put out missing posters in the town's most important places, but I wasn't holding my breath. They found only one lead last time and when I traced it , it turned out Stefan was last there three weeks ago. I hoped that he would be smart enough to come home and I couldn't figure out what happened for him to decide to leave.

"I just don't understand. He said that he likes it there, that he needs some time to adjust before coming back here" I tell Bonnie and she buries her fingers in my messy hair "He felt good there, despite uncle Luke pressuring him so much."

"Maybe that was it? Maybe he felt that he can't take it anymore?" she suggested but I shook my head

"There's more to it. They are just not telling me about it. He wouldn't just flip out in the middle of the night. Not after the last time I saw him. He was bent on making things right, on staying there, on getting better even though technically he hasn't done anything wrong" I explain as I sigh and look at her. She's as worried as I am, because she knows how much Stefan means to me.

"It will be okay, we'll find him, Damon" she consoles me again and I lean down to give her a kiss on the forehead when my hand ends up on her stomach.

She doesn't have a baby bump yet, but she smiles while I touch her there and put her hand over mine on the place where our child is growing up.

"Let's go to bed. We need rest" she begs as she pulls me down without giving me the chance to protest. "You've been up all day, you're tired. You have to sleep if you want to be able to find your brother" I know that she's right, but I don't want to go to bed.

I want to call Karen and push her to tell me what's wrong, but Bonnie wouldn't let me. She pushes me down the pillow and hugs herself in me as she fixes the blanket over us.

"You know what hurts most?" I begin, not really expecting an answer from her "Knowing that he's out there somewhere but not being able to find him. I wish he could just come back home. I wish he would just let me take care of him. I should've never let him go there in the first place."

"Don't do this" she finds me hand and squeezes it as she looks up "It's not your fault that he ran away."

"It's not his either."

"I wish we knew what went wrong" she says and I nod. I am certain that there was a reason for him leaving. There had to be.

And if there wasn't, then he still needed help, if he was going down the bad road he needed me. If he was getting drunk or drugged somewhere now, he was all alone and God knows what was happening to him.

Those thoughts made my heart clench. I believed in him. I knew that he wasn't doing any of those stuff. He promised me he's done with it, that he hasn't thought about drugs in months, that he didn't feel the need, but what if he was desperate now? What if he couldn't see a way out to make himself feel better? What if he decided to buy something and forget about his miserable life in some dark alley?

"He doesn't have his meds, Bonnie" I whisper in the dark, afraid to utter the words out "He has to take them. If he stays off them for too long, he'll only get worse."

"He won't, because we'll find him" she whispers back "Alright?"

"Alright" I agree, but I'm not as relaxed as she wishes me to be.

She falls asleep fifteen minutes later and I'm still staring at the ceiling thinking about where Stefan must be and what is he doing. If he's fine and healthy or if he's in pain and with no roof above his head? If he's getting drunk somewhere or if he's trying to find a way out of his situation? It was the worst feeling in the world-not knowing what is going on.

I fall asleep really late in the night and I wake up from the phone ringing somewhere next to me. Bonnie groans as I stretch out to take it and pick up.

"Hello?" I say, but there is no response on the other end and I almost curse, thinking that someone dialed the wrong number "Hello? Who is this?" I ask again and when I press the receiver harder to my ear I realize that I can't hear much from the awful noise coming from the street.

The moment the word street flashes, I sit up and almost yell out

"Stefan!" I say, but there is no response on the other end. I can hear his breathing though "Stefan, is this you, brother?" I ask again, but he doesn't say a word out. I swear that I can imagine him somewhere on a payphone, dialing my number that he knew by heart, small and almost invisible as people pass by him while he's breaking down just like I am "Stefan, please, talk to me!" I continue but he wouldn't respond and I feel Bonnie move up next to me as well. I turn around and she gives me a confused look

"Please, if this is you, brother, say something!" I beg him once again "Just say something!" I hear someone yelling behind him, urging him to move away so they can use the phone, but he still doesn't say a word. I hear him clear his throat once and that's it, but I can swear that he's crying, I just knew it with my heart-he was breaking down "Tell me where you are! Just say where you are and I'll come get you!" I keep trying, but before I can say something else to convince him to talk to me, he hangs up and I'm left with nothing but the awfully cruel silence once again.

 **Stefan's POV**

In the morning, I wake up early and make the mistake to wander around town and without even realizing what I'm doing when I see the payphone near the post office I dial Damon's number.

I don't know why I do it. My inner self screamed no but my hands wouldn't listen. I guess I just needed to hear his voice because after I woke up this morning I felt so horrible and in need to cry that I barely raised myself up from the dirty ground I was sleeping on and got my stuff together.

When he picked up, however, I forget absolutely everything that I wished I could say to him-I knew that this was a mistake, that I should've never done it. Of course, he was smart, he figured out that it was me calling, but I never gave him any confirmation, because I knew that would only make things worse.

He was supposed to stop looking for me, to forget all about me, to let me disappear, but at the same time I needed him and I was torn between doing the right thing and admitting to myself that I could use my big brother in such a fucked up moment.

But then again what would I tell him-uncle Luke beat me up so that's why I ran?

He wouldn't believe it.

I am sure uncle Luke has told him that I just ran off without saying a thing and that they were as surprised as my brother probably was when he received the news. Even if uncle Luke told the truth-that we had a fight, he would twist things in his own benefit-he would say that I was abusing with the drugs so he had to give me a lesson and why wouldn't Damon believe him when he sees the empty bottle of drugs on the kitchen table?

I could imagine it all right now. I could see my brother over there in the warm kitchen which the sun was lighting up with its beautiful sunrays.

But there would be nothing beautiful about this gathering-Damon would be disappointed and pissed off as he listens to uncle Luke explain how bad I am and how I'll never change while Karen would be leaning on the kitchen plot behind them, listening carefully and wondering what to say.

One thing I knew for sure though-uncle Luke would try to find me. He was a man who kept up to his promises and he has made one to my father and mother.

He said it even after he beat the shit out of me-that he'll make a man out of me even if it's the last thing I do on earth, so I was sure that as much as he hated me, he despised the fact that he has failed and left me out of his sight. He would want to get me, to bring me back to the farm and then God knows what would happen.

I was certain that Damon would try to find me too, but he would lose hope easily, because he doesn't know those places as good as uncle Luke does. He was familiar with the nearest towns and if he made it all the way down here-which wasn't as far as I wanted it to be-he would surely find me and drag me back.

Lost in thoughts, I didn't realize how far I've gotten up the road. I could already see the houses lining up on both sides and I smiled for the first time in days, hoping that at least one of those people would agree to give me a job for a week or two until I can gather some strength and leave for some other place.

But my efforts proved to be futile. People were put off by the black eye uncle Luke gave me and I was already near the last small farm near the end of the dusty road when I've lost all hope.

Thankfully this time I didn't have to make a complete fool of myself and go all the way to the door in order to knock. I could see this woman in her mid-thirties in the yard leading up a beautiful black horse which seemed to have been giving her troubles.

I loved horses. Our parents have been taking me and Damon to riding lessons as early as we could both walk and that was the only thing that I did relatively fine even if my father never really admitted it out loud. I could be myself when I was with them and I felt like they understood me in ways only Damon could. Uncle Luke was planning on buying a few horses himself in the next couple of weeks and I was enthusiastic about it, but I never got to actually see them.

"Excuse me, madam?" I call her out and she turns around only to frown at me.

I can't imagine how pathetic I must look like-my white shirt was kind of dirty from sleeping on the ground and my cap was doing nothing to hide my black eye, my jeans were a bit torn on the knees and my bag seemed too heavy as if it was pulling me closer to the ground even if I didn't have much belongings

"Sorry, can you please give me a minute?" I ask and she sighs and pulls the horse rains to the wooden fence, coming to my direction. The horse seemed just as grumpy as she was and I knew already that this was a lost cause but I had to give my best

"What do you want kid? You lost or something?" she asks as she ties the horse to the wooden fence and I take off my cap so I can see her better

"No, madam, I'm coming from downtown, they told me I could check the farms here and see if anyone would be in need of any help and hire me for a few days." she looks at me curiously all the way from my head to my toes and I can see that she's not pleased, but something in me must make her pity me because her eyes seems somehow warmer now

"A job? For a few days?" she almost chuckles and I realize how pathetic I might look

"Yes, madam, I've worked on a farm before I could do whatever it is that you need to be done" I continue hoping for her to agree

"I can't pay you, kid" she snorts and grabs the horse rains, ready to leave me behind

"Please, I don't need money, just some food and somewhere to sleep." I must sound really desperate because she turns back around and stops abruptly, she's no longer angry "I already tried every house here and they all turn me down."

"That might have something to do with the big bruise on your face, young man" she notes and I swallow hard, feeling how I'm back to square one

"I realize that, madam, but it was an accident and-"

"How old are you even, kid?" she interrupts me, not willing to listen to any of my bullshit excuses

"I'm eighteen, madam" I respond, trying to sound as sincere as I can. I know that she's still carefully observing me and her look falls on my fucked up arm which no one could miss as it was hanging so unnaturally from my shoulder

"You're done with school?" she continues interrogating and I nod, trying to maintain my serious face and not give out anything "Let me see your hands" I step up and raise my palms, which are still rough and full of cuts from working so hard in uncle Luke's garden. She grunts as if annoyed that I haven't lied to her about working in a farm before but obviously reaches a decision "Alright, jump in. If you don't give up in fifteen minutes, you can stay" I smile

"Thank you very much, madam." I say as I hurry to get to the fence and jump over because she's already walking away. The hoarse is awfully annoyed because he keeps trying to get away from its rains until she pulls him closer and looks him in the eyes

"Stubborn, cut it off, I've had enough of you for a day" she scolds and I almost chuckle when she does so, which doesn't go unnoticed

"What?" she turns to me angrily and I shrug my arms innocently

"I've just never heard anyone name their horse Stubborn is all, madam" I apologize and she huffs

"Well he is one really stubborn damn horse so I think it suits him. And stop calling me madam, my name is Miranda Gilbert."

"Okay, Mrs. Gilbert" I respond this time and she doesn't seem to mind it.

She leads me all the way to the barn and hands me a shovel, telling me that I have to clean all the shit the horses and the cows have made, and take it outside, all the way to the other end of their yard. She thinks she's really scaring me off with that task, but she had no idea what uncle Luke used to do to me.

I take the shovel and start doing one of the most gross possible jobs in the world. My back wets in less than fifteen minutes, but I don't stop, I can't stop. I needed a place to sleep tonight and some food, I had to try to make the best out of this before I had to leave again and I was hoping I was as far away from uncle Luke as possible.

An hour later my hands are already full of blisters and on the second hour they pop out and bleed, but I still keep going.

When I get out to take it all on the other end of the meadow, I see Mrs. Gilbert and some girl, probably about my age, on the porch talking to her. They both glanced at me as I passed by but I couldn't hear their conversation. I was certain of one thing-the girl wasn't really fond of me and was obviously arguing with her mother about me because she frowned and gave me a deadly stare. I got back to my work and kept on like this for hours. By the time I was done, it was already dark outside and Mrs. Gilbert was just coming to get me.

"I see you made it through" she said observingly as she looked at me all dirty and stinking of shit, but obviously she was surprised. She didn't think I'll make it. "There's a hose at the back of the house, you can wash there, then you can come in for dinner." I nod "You'll sleep in the barn if that's fine by you"

"It's okay, madam" I didn't expect her to let me in her house.

She didn't know me at all and plus besides her and the girl I didn't see anyone else come in or out of the house which meant that there was no father or any kind of man at all and they had to do all of the work themselves which is probably why she agreed to take me in. It was almost summer, there were lots of things to be done and the animals needed care too-if the girl was going to school or working somewhere it must be really hard for her to do all of it alone.

"One more thing" she stops me before I manage to make it out of the barn "I want you to take Stubborn back inside, I can't deal with that horse right now" I nod and I guess my calmness and lack of words keep surprising her.

We both go outside and I head straight to the horse, who still seems kind of impatient to me. It's a beautiful horse, a black stallion, with this big white spot on his head. He was smart and cunning, I could see it in his eyes, but he wasn't bad, he was probably just pulling up stunts because he was hard to tame.

I untie his reins and he immediately starts trying to pull me in the direction he wants, but I grab them tight and pull him back to me

"Come on, rebel, time to go inside" I say and he neighs angrily in my direction, but I pull the reins a bit tighter again and get closer to his face, showing him that I am not afraid even if he's tossing up and down and raising on his back feet "Hey! Hey, Stubborn! Come here, pal" I say as I manage to make him calm down and bury my hand in his mane and caress his muzzle

"I know your kind, you devil" I whisper so that Gilbert can't hear me "You're exactly like me, but if you don't calm that fire inside you, you'll hurt yourself, okay?" I say and he stops pushing up a fight for a moment and neighs again, this time not angrily.

I let loose of the reins and lean down to grab an apple from the ground, waving it in front of him, teasing him a bit, before pulling him in the direction of the barn and just then giving half of it to him. I don't even realize that Miranda is watching me, I keep walking to the barn, and I feel the horse breathe hard behind me

"Oh, don't pout" I say as we finally make it to the door and I get him inside. When I go back out Miranda is staring at me with utter surprise and I feel like I've done something wrong until she speaks up

"You took him in?"

"Yes, madam" I nod confused "Is there a problem? Shouldn't have I done exactly that?"

"No, no" she clears her throat "I just…didn't expect it to happen so easy. That horse is a real troublemaker."

"Oh…well I am sorry then" I say as I look away uncomfortable, not knowing what to add.

She waves it off and sends me to clean myself. I take off my shirt and clean my face and my chest as best as I can, hoping that I won't stink like shit when I get in that house. I change my shirt, but my shoes are dirty so I take them off as well as my torn out socks and leave them outside before I knock on the back door and Miranda welcomes me inside, obviously not happy with the fact that I am sockless.

I end up in a relatively big kitchen, similar to aunt Karen's one. Actually it reminds me too much of it with the exception of my bed slash ex wardrobe on the left near the fridge. There is a wooden table in the middle where the girl is sitting and obviously doing some homework, a kitchen plot behind her, a fridge and a TV that was on but obviously no one was listening to.

"Elena, honey" Miranda calls out the girl as she obviously is too busy doing her thing to notice us. She finally looks up still as pouty as before and she kind of furrows her eyebrows again when she sees me.

Maybe they had previous experiences of hiring help that ended up bad, or so I thought in order to explain her behavior. I had, after all, a big bruise on my eye so I wasn't making it easy for them to like me. I was lucky they agreed to let me in their home

"This is…" she stops realizing that I never actually told her my name

"I'm Stefan" I say simply and she smiles trying to escape the awkward moment "Stefan…Williams" I decide to change my last name just in case uncle look decides to come all the way down here and look for me. Not that this would make it that much harder for him to find me.

"Well Stefan Williams, this is my daughter Elena" Miranda says as she pushes me to the table. I realize that they're going to start asking the questions now that we settle down, not that I wasn't expecting that

"Hello" I say and she just nods, burying her head back in her books

"You'll have to excuse her, she has finals and it's a bit of a pain in the ass"

"I am not" she protests, but doesn't lift her head up while she keeps scratching down and I finally sit down.

They've obviously ate already because there's only one plate on the table and it's for me. Miranda settles down with a cup of tea next to me and I have to restrain myself from wolfing down the meal in matter of seconds because I haven't eaten in more than a day. The pain in my arm makes the task easier for me as I struggle to lift the fork to my mouth and decide to switch to my healthy hand

"So, Stefan Williams" Miranda starts with her interrogation and I swallow hard "What are you doing in this small town?"

"I'm just passing by, madam, looking for work here and there" Elena huffs on the other side of the table but her mother ignores her

"Where are you from?"

"I'm from a small town in Virginia, but after I graduated I went off to work at my uncle's farm" I am not entirely lying to them

"No college?" she asks surprised

"Come on, mom, does he look like a college guy to you?" Elena laughs off as she keeps putting something down on a list from her book

"Elena" her mother scolds, though that doesn't have any effect on the girl at all and turns back to me "I'm sorry"

"It's okay, you don't have to apologize" I say as I keep digging in my food, I've finally felt like my strength is returning

"What about that arm of yours? You fell or something" -she asks continuing to be as curious as before and I hate that question most of all because it reminds me of that night when it all happen, when things got even more screwed up than they already were, the night everything went straight to hell. She notices that I am obviously uncomfortable, but I speak up before she can say something that would make me feel even more awful

"I was in a car accident" I respond vaguely and she nods, looking away still uncomfortable about asking me this, but I understand her. People wanted to know more about the person they were letting in their property, she was in her right to ask me all this.

"And why is a boy like you who graduated from high school wandering around, going from town to town, doing work in exchange for no money?" Elena finally looks up and leans back on her chair, eyeing my curiously "And with a black eye might I add. It's a bit strange, don't you think?"

"Look, I have no bad intentions or anything" I say seriously now as I push away the plate which is still half full, but I just don't feel hungry anymore "I am just passing by, working for a few days or a week and then leave. I don't like staying up too long at one place." something in her eyes change just the way her mother's did before that when she first saw me. Maybe it's because I pull up the chair and stand up, but slowly, carefully, because my entire body hurts and she sees it, or maybe she just pities me for some other reason I don't know.

"Thank you very much for dinner, madam. Have a good night" I say as I put on my cap and go outside, heading to the barn.


	9. Chapter 9

**Stefan's POV**

A week passes by too fast for me to even realize it. At first, I was determined to stay with the Gilberts for no more than three days and then leave again. I had it all figured out, I was going to work harder and ask Miranda for bus money so I can go downtown and leave one of these mornings, but when I brought up the issue she refused to let me go.

She said she wanted me to stay at least a few more weeks, help them get most of the work they had to do now, and then leave. I had a hard time refusing her. Especially after I got closer with the girl-Elena. Something which I never expected to happen at all, mainly because I didn't want it to. I was avoiding her mostly, trying to bury myself in work, but she always found a way to hang around the barn in the evenings and talk to me.

I didn't know how to tell her that I was too broken and deranged to get close to anyone. I wasn't sure how to find the words. On the other hand I was also concerned, because they didn't know the truth about me. They had no idea I've ran away, that maybe someone out there was looking for me and I felt like I was betraying them.

Work was hard these past few days and the heat was making it worse for me.

When I left uncle Luke's house without my medications I was concerned that something will go wrong. The first few days were all fine, actually, and I felt even better. The pills were supposed to slow me down and when I wasn't taking them, I was doing things faster and I didn't feel sleepy, but now, when more than a week has passed, I was finally starting to feel weak.

I was having a hard time carrying all the bales of hay and taking care of the cattle. I had to hide from Miranda and Elena, which wasn't as hard, because they had their own things like school and going downtown for groceries, but still, I was hoping they haven't noticed. Last night I didn't even make it to dinner. I just went to the barn, dropped on the mattress they've put on there for me and fell asleep. This morning was even harder for me to get up and I was starting to wonder if I should try and go to the pharmacy or not, but then again they wouldn't give me anything without prescription which was still somewhere in one of the kitchen drawers in uncle Luke's house.

I was hoping that this was all just temporary. I was actually…deluding myself that it was and I refused to think too much about it. Most of the time when I didn't just collapse on my bed in the evening, I would go outside, sit on one of the bales and stare at the sky.

There wasn't much to do out here when I was finally done with work. Elena usually went out in the evenings and Miranda was inside watching TV or going to the neighbors so I was stuck on my own with my thoughts and a book.

I borrowed some stuff from the Gilberts and they seemed surprised just as my brother when I asked if there's a book I can take and read. I guess I didn't seem like a bright person or anything and who was I to judge them. I looked broken on the outside and completely boring on the inside.

I rarely talked to them and when they asked me things, I would respond with just a few words. I managed to find out some stuff about them though. Elena shared with me one night that her father has died two years ago from a heart attack, which explained why they both looked like they were carrying so much grief inside them that it felt like they were crumbling.

"Stefan, come on!" I hear Miranda's voice from the outside and slowly get up.

We were supposed to go downtown, where there was this farmer's fair and people sold animals. They wanted to buy another horse, claiming that Stubborn is too much of a trouble and that they should sell him.

I was the only one who managed to calm that horse down and he was even graceful enough to let me ride him and not throw me off his back no matter how hard he tried to do so. Both Elena and Miranda were surprised. We've made a bet-that if I manage to tame that horse, they'll give him to me when I decide to leave. Of course I wasn't going to take the horse, I didn't have anywhere to put him or take care of him, but it was just for fun. I liked the horse. I just think he was troublesome because nobody ever tried to understand his true nature. I was able to tame him because I was as stubborn and as fucked up as he was and I think he knew that. Still…that didn't mean the Gilberts wouldn't want to sell him. They wanted to get rid of him so bad, that I felt hopeless to even keep trying to make a decent horse out of him

"We're going to be too late!" Miranda added as I put on my trainers and quickly got out. Elena was already in the truck and she smiled at me. I smiled back, even though I knew that I shouldn't have.

Miranda rushed me and urged me to get in the back of the truck, since there was no space inside, so I hoped up in the trunk and leaned on the back window. I closed my eyes and let the wind play with my hair. I was tired and it wasn't even noon. I put my hand on my chest and listened to the slow beating of my heart. It was a strange thing-sometimes it was beating so fast, I could hear it trumping in my ears and other times it was so slow, like it wasn't there at all.

I let my hand fall back in my lap and looked at the sky. My thoughts travelled back to Damon, wondering what he must be doing right now. I bet he was taking extra shifts in the hospital now that they had a baby on the way and I wondered if I'll ever get to see my nephew or niece. God knows for how long I'll have to run or how many towns I'll go to. I knew it was for the better, that it was for him.

I wanted to go home.

But then again I never had one.

I was all alone in this world, there was no place to get back to. My parents hated me and kicked me away because I was a disgrace to my family. My brother lived in a small apartment with his girlfriend and there wouldn't be enough place for them when the baby was born, let alone for me as well and the only person who ever agreed to take me in, beat the shit out of me last time and promised he'll punish me.

 _There was no place to go to._

It was both sad and terrifying. I was still seventeen and I had to figure out a where I'm going to live. I knew that as long as it's summer, everything will be alright-it was hot and I could sleep on the ground, hiding somewhere in a person's backyard or meadow or something and no one would ever know I'm there, but when the fall came and then the winter-that would be the real trouble and if I settled somewhere for too long, I knew that Damon, or uncle Luke, if they're still trying to find me, would. So while the plan to keep moving south seemed reasonable at first, now I was starting to doubt it, wondering what to do and where to go.

Lost in thoughts, I didn't even realize when we arrived to the fair. Miranda and Elena hopped off before me, but waited until I got myself off. They wanted me with them, because Miranda thought I'm good with horses and I'll know right away if it's a calm and obedient one or a pain in the ass-needless to say, they didn't want another Stubborn in the picture.

"You sure you okay, kid?" Miranda asks me when I finally get down and follow them slowly behind, dragging my feet. I felt exceptionally tired today and I cursed myself for not getting more coffee. "Is something wrong?"

"No, just didn't sleep good" I respond with a smile "I'm all fine, madam."

"When will you stop calling me that?" she asks, pretending to be annoyed, but she was smiling

"I'm sorry" I apologize and Elena shakes her head at me, but throws me worried glances, realizing that something wasn't fine with me.

We mix with the crowd and it takes us a while to find the place where the horses are, but once we're there, I am mesmerized. So is Elena. I've never seen so many horses at one place and so many people rushing in, yelling prices or making bargains, trying to sell them.

Miranda talks to one of the guys before she turns around and waves at me to come in the place which was surrounded with a big wooden fence. Elena pouts and tries to get in as well, but her mother asks her to stay away, afraid she'll get hurt in the crowd. The place is stuffed and soon I feel it's hard to breathe. There are so many people around me, animals too, and everyone was pushing me as we tried to squeeze in and get to the other end of this goddamned place.

"Here we are" Miranda finally pulls me away "I liked this one, what do you think?" she asks as she urges me to check a beautiful brown mare with black mane.

I was glad that she was trusting me with this. I wasn't that great when it came to horses but I knew the main things there is to know about a horse since my father used to lecture me and Damon all about it when we were kids and he took us to riding lessons. I knew the Gilberts counted on me because there was no one else to advise them on this-they've lost the person in the house who took care of things and now that they were dealing with everything on their own, they were having a hard time, so I didn't mean to disappoint her.

"No" I say as I raise up after I've bend down to check the hoofs and the legs "Not this one"

"Why?" she looked at me clearly disappointed, she really loved the mare "The owner said she's perfect and very obedient"

"She's a great horse, but…she won't last long" I explain as I bend down and show her the back hoof. Her whole leg was trembling and when I raised it up to check it, there was blood mixed up with dirt "Someone screwed her up" I say and instinctively my look falls on my crippled hand. Just like the horse, someone screwed me up. We were one and the same.

Miranda sighed tiredly as she petted the mare one last time and urged me to keep going. We looked around most of the horses and then decided to go to the other place opposite from this, where they were selling other animals. We've just made it out of the fence where Elena was impatiently pouting and eating ice cream when I heard someone calling out my name and I froze.

"Stefan!" my breath got stuck in my throat. Miranda and Elena both turned around but I didn't. I was afraid to do so "STEFAN!" it was uncle Luke's voice, I would recognize it anywhere, I could still hear him in my head when he yelled at me that I was a junkie who was going to spent all those money on drugs and that I'll never change.

For a minute I was completely frozen. I had no idea what to do and I had only seconds to decide. I saw how Elena and Miranda looked behind me worriedly and confused, not sure what was really going on here, but I had no time to think or do anything. I pulled my cap closer to my eyes when I heard his voice again

"STEFAN, I FOUND YOU!" he yelled out and I didn't waste another minute.

Without looking back I squeezed myself between Elena and Miranda and started running. I didn't even dare look them in the eye-I was ashamed, knowing that they'll finally figure out I'm not who I said I was, but I didn't really have much time to think about that as I sped off.

I was afraid, terrified even. I knew that uncle Luke finding me was the worst case scenario and I had to get away from here as fast as I could, so I pushed people away and started running down the end of this damn fair, hoping that there would be a fence that I could jump through and rush down the meadows. I could hide in someone's property, I had to. I didn't want him to find me. I had no idea what he'll do.

"STEFAN, WAIT! What the hell, boy!" I could hear him curse behind me and I knew he was already running too, trying to get to me. There were so many people, it was hard for me to get away from them.

As I pushed them away and changed my directions suddenly, most of them cursed me. I had no time to think how he found me, but I cursed myself for staying so long in one place, knowing how stupid it was

"STEFAN! PLEASE, WAIT!" he begged and his voice sounded somewhat strangely kind and worried to me. Wasn't he supposed to hate me? To be angry with me? He had promised that he'll make a decent person out of me and then I ran away, ruining all his plans.

And uncle Luke never lost his battles. He was persistent, stubborn and his heart was cold-he would drag me all the way to his farm and lock me in the basement until I figured out I wasn't going anywhere and started behaving again. And I surely didn't want that.

The more I ran, however, the worse I felt. My heart was beating so fast in my chest, I felt like it would explode and I was barely catching my breath. I was afraid I'll never make it, I was hardly making my legs push forward, I was barely taking the steps and for a moment there, I closed my eyes and I saw this darkness-I felt it and I knew that it would consume me soon, but I hoped that I would last just a little while longer, just a few feet until I jumped the fence and went away in the deep grassy meadows, which would lead me down the road where I could hitch hike.

And there it was-the fence, I've finally reached it, but with each step I was getting more and more slowly and he was still right behind me, I could hear him calling out my name. I stopped for a moment just before I had to step up on one of the posts and jump through, and I felt so awful, so damn awful, like I would collapse on the ground any minute now.

"Please" I begged my heart silently "Please, just a little more" I haven't ran that fast in ages, the last time must've been on one of the school games and things were different back then. It was a whole other life. I forced myself to grab the wooden post and raised myself up and then I heard another voice

"Stefan, please!" and in that moment, I felt like my heart skips a beat indeed.

 _It was Damon's voice._

No, no, no, no. My brother wasn't here-those were my thoughts when I ended up on the other side. My brother wasn't here.

He can't be here.

"PLEASE!" he begged again but I knew that there's no need for him to do that. As soon as I ended up on my feet on the other side, I knew I would be able to make even a step more. I tried to, but I was too weak and I didn't even know what was happening anymore. I tried to rise my hand and put it on my chest.

Why? I didn't even know. Maybe to make sure that my heart is really gonna burst out, because it surely felt that way. I took one last sharp breath and squeezed my eyes shut-it was too much for me, it hurt too bad.

Before I knew what was happening, I heard someone call out my name one last time, but I couldn't distinguish who it was, as I was already falling to the ground.

 **Damon's POV**

Both me and uncle Luke rushed to the fence just when Stefan jumped off. My heart was beating out of my chest-I was so happy that I finally found him. I've spent the last week worried out of my mind for him and when uncle Luke, suggested that we drive all the way down here, I was skeptic. I didn't believe Stefan will run so far away, but then again we've checked most of the towns in the area and it was futile.

The last place I expected him to see was here and if it wasn't for uncle Luke who wanted to check out the cattle and the horses in this fair, after we've already searched through most of the town and asked around, we would've never seen him at all.

He didn't even look back when he heard us calling. He just started running, after pushing the people before him. He was desperate to run away. Again. And I was about to scold him so much about this as soon as I got to him until I saw him jumping off that fence and then suddenly falling to the ground.

That's when my heart almost stopped.

"Stefan! Stefan!" uncle Luke was calling him out and already leaning down next to him as he was the first to get there. As soon as I've jumped off the fence, I rushed next to his side

"Stefan, brother!" I called out as I grabbed his shoulders and turned him around, pulling him to me "Stefan!" I shook him and reached out to his wrist, to get his pulse, only to realize how weak it is "Stefan! Stefan, come on!" I begged as I slapped his cheeks a few times, hoping he would open his eyes "I need water! Get me water, please!" I looked up at Luke and he nodded.

There was no one to help us-it was only me and him. The other people we've run through, hadn't pay much attention to us-there crowd was too big, people were moving up and down, pushing their cattle through the dusty unpaved road in the middle of this whole mess and here we were, just at the other side of it.

"Stefan, come on, come on, wake up!" I urged him once again and just when I've lost all hope that he was going to regain consciousness, he opened up his eyes. "Stefan!" I exclaimed relieved, but he just looked up confused. I don't think he realized what was happening at all, he was delusional and in pain, because he raised his hand on this chest and squeezed his eyes "Stefan, it's me, don't worry" I said as I tried to raise him up a bit and pull him to my chest which only resulted in him growing out in pain, which broke my heart

"Stefan?" I heard a female's voice and when I looked up, I saw the two women who were next to Stefan when we first saw him. Actually only one of them was really a woman, the other seemed to be my brother's age and she was peaking behind, who must probably be her mother, worriedly "What's going on here? Who are you?" she asked me confused

"He's my brother" I said, not really feeling like explaining right now "He needs help" I said seriously as I looked back down at Stefan whose look was still as lost as before "Please, help me."

"There's a doctor downtown, we can-" the woman began but I shook my head

"I am a doctor," I explained impatiently. Stefan was relaxing back in my arms, which meant he was losing consciousness again and as I looked down, I realized he's squeezed his eyes shut once more "I just need to get him somewhere so I can take care of him."

"Then let's take him back home" she suggested and I nodded, even though I had no idea where this home was even if it was obviously the place my brother has been staying.

"Damon, here" uncle Luke called out as he rushed back to our side with a bottle of water that he must've taken from the truck. He unscrewed the cap and handed it to me, as he leaned down and helped me raise my brother up again "What's wrong with him?" he asks confused, worried.

I don't know what it was with him lately, but ever since Stefan disappeared he has been so concerned, even…guilty, which made me wonder what happened before Stefan left. Uncle Luke said that he doesn't know why my brother took off, but I was sure that he was lying. That didn't matter now, only Stefan did.

I looked up at him and didn't say anything. How could I even answer him? I didn't even know where to begin from-my brother was that screwed up! And it was all because I couldn't protect him.

"His heartbeat's too slow" I only say as I splash some water on his face and realize how hot his forehead is only when I finally touch it-he was too hot and when I looked down I realized half his shirt was sweater already-I had to get him inside and take care of him, and fast "We need to go" I said as I looked up at the woman and the girl. I didn't even knew their names. But if Stefan trusted them then I had to do so too.

"Let me carry him" uncle Luke came by my side, ready to grab my brother, but I shook my head

"No, I will" I protested as I shoved my hands under his arms and picked him up on my embrace. He was light as a feather and that made me swallow hard-he was fading out and it made my heart clench with fear, but I tried to push all the dark thoughts away. He would be fine. Stefan would be all fine.

"Daa-mon" he let out very weakly just as I started walking towards the truck and shifted in my hands, I'm guessing because of the pain

"Shhh, kiddo, don't worry, I'm right here" I soothed him as I pulled him even closer to my chest, not because I was afraid I'll drop him, but because I wanted to keep him safe.

I wanted to take all his pain away and protect him from the world, but I couldn't. I failed at that. He grunted again and looked up at me, but his stare was still as confused as before-he didn't know where he was, he had no idea what was happening, the pain was consuming him

"Shh" I whispered once again "Hold on just a little while longer, brother" I tried to calm him down as I got inside uncle Luke's big truck and kept him steady in my arms.

He closed his eyes again and I pulled his head to my chest, burying my hand in his hair. He kept on shifting and grunting and sweating in my hands-he was soaked and still so warm. He was like a child in my arms. In many ways, he was a child, only an abandoned one, because no one really ever took care of him. He was on his own and I hated myself for it.

"He better?" uncle Luke asked worriedly from up front and I shook my head as I checked his pulse once again-it was as weak as when I first grabbed him in my arms and I worriedly looked at him.

He was pale and broken, in so much pain and I held him in my hands, as if he was sleeping, yet he was moving his legs, tossing in my embrace, begging for some help, whispering how much it hurts and calling out my name. It broke my heart, seeing him like this. It broke me completely.

When we arrived at the house, I carried him inside and placed him on the couch in their living room. Luke brought my medical bag from the truck and I started examining him. As I listened to his heart, I realized how bad he actually was

"What can I do?" uncle Luke asked as he kept walking up and down worriedly next to me. The woman and the girl went to the kitchen to bring me water like I asked and they seemed as confused as ever. I wondered what Stefan told them. He must've lied all along.

"Go downtown to the pharmacy and bring me those stuff" I said as I grabbed a prescription list and wrote down some medications, handing it to him and rushing him to go. I didn't want to waste another minute.

He was off the door in twenty seconds and I was already sitting on the couch next to Stefan, getting ready to give him a shot, when he opened his eyes again and for the first time it seemed like he recognized me

"Damon?" he asked weakly and I looked at him concerned as I cleaned up the place in his arm I was going to stick the needle

"Don't talk!" I ordered and he took a deep breath before closing his eyes again. When I put the needle in him, he flinched and I had to keep him steady so I put my hand on his chest and he looked up at me again

"It hurts" he mumbled again and broke me once more

"I know, it will pass, just hold on, okay" I tried to make him calm down, but he raised his hand and put it on top of mine when I took the syringe out "You'll be fine, I'll make sure of it"

"Damon" he tried again and swallowed hard, but he didn't have strength to say anything else and just looked at me worriedly.

Did he think I am mad? Because I was. I was so mad at him for running away again. I wanted to ground him just so I would be sure he won't go out and get himself into some kind of trouble. I wanted to keep him close, to take care of him, to make sure that this screwed up heart of his, won't give out on him again.

"Sleep!" I said as I pushed him down the pillow just after he tried to move up again and say something. He gave up and I watched him drift off. Just when he was complete out and I was checking out his pulse, the woman who obviously owned the house came back in the room with a wet cloth in hand and handed it to me. I brushed away Stefan's sweated face and put it on his forehead, to keep him cold.

"I think we should talk" I said with a smile and she nodded seriously

"Why don't we go to the kitchen?" she suggested and I stood up, even if I didn't want to leave Stefan alone, and followed her, knowing he won't wake up any time soon. Or that he at least, he was not supposed to.

We settled down and started talking. She began, explaining that my brother came all the way up here about more than a week ago and asked to do some work in exchange for food. When she saw how ruined and messy he looked, she took pity on him and agreed, even if she didn't know him at all. It took her a few hours to realize that he was a decent kid who was good at doing what he was supposed to and when a few days later he wanted to leave, she asked him to stay a bit more.

She was confused as to what happened today, she has noticed he seemed weaker this morning, but she didn't say anything thinking he hasn't slept good. When I explained the whole situation to her, leaving out the gruesome parts of my parents beating him, and leaving what I thought was enough for her to know, she leaned back on the chair and we let the silence fall upon us for a few minutes.

"So he took drugs because he couldn't get over the fact that he lost everything in his life?" she asked again and I nodded. I didn't want to lie to her, so I explained as best what has happened to him. She said that he had told them he's been in an accident, but he never elaborated. "Is that why he's in this condition now?" she asks and I nod as I lean back and sigh as well

"Yes" I nod "He screwed himself up. He damaged his heart and there's little I can do about fixing it."

I watched her bury her hands in her hair for a moment. It was obvious that she felt bad for him, that she cared and couldn't believe this could happen to a child, she didn't want to and I didn't either.

"I am truly sorry for what happened to him" she finally says "He seems like a good boy. He doesn't deserve going through this."

"He doesn't" I agree "But I'll help him" I say it more as a promise to myself than to assure her "If it's okay we'll stay until tomorrow and then leave. I don't want to move him much now, not until he feels better" I ask of her and she nods right away

"You can stay as long as you want, Damon" she says with determination and for a moment there I wonder, how is it possible for a woman who knew my brother only for a week, to be more compassionate and concerned about him than our own parents "And if there's anything me or Elena could do, don't hesitate to ask."

I thanked her for welcoming us in her home like this, out of the blue and without knowing who we were. I also thanked her for letting my brother stay. I didn't want to think what would happen if he had ended up with other people, who would do nothing but treat him bad and use him.

Fifteen minutes later, uncle Luke came back with the medications and then asked me to come outside on the porch. We talked a little and I agreed that he should go back home.

He was still strangely concerned-don't get me wrong, I was glad he was worried about Stefan, but I knew there was more to it. He was usually cold-hearted and reserved and now his hands were shaking and he seemed so nervous. He kept asking how's Stefan and if we should take him to a hospital, but I promised I could take care of my brother and after half an hour of us arguing about it, he finally left, making me promise I would call and tell him how Stefan's doing. I was still as confused as before but I decided I will ask Stefan about it when he feels better.

I got back inside and settled on a wooden chair next to Stefan who was still sleeping. I observed him for an hour and in that time he started tossing himself once again, moving left and right restlessly, which left me no choice but to shake him and wake him up.

"Come on, Stef" I said gently as I helped him raise up a little and hand out the pills in my hands "Come on, you have to take those" I say and he doesn't pull up a fight. He opens up his mouth and swallows them with the water I give him. Once he's settled down on the pillows, he's all awake and this time responsive.

"Damon" he mumbles "What happened?" he asks confused as he looks around "What are you doing here?"

"You collapsed while you tried to run away from me and Luke" I say and furrow my eyebrows, which makes him swallow hard "Your heart gave out on you and the heat probably only made it worse. How long has it been since you last took your meds?" I ask and he shakes his head

"Ever since I left uncle Luke's" he mumbles, his voice shaky and concerned, he knows he's about to be scolded. I sigh tiredly and look away for a moment

"How do you feel now?" I ask instead and he hurries to respond

"I'm good, I feel all fine" he lies and I chuckle sadly

"You're the worst liar, Stefan" I say as I look him in the eyes, which are still as sad as they ever were

"You're not supposed to be here" he says all of a sudden and I and I furrow my eyebrows angrily, grabbing the side of the chair with one hand just so I can have something to hold on to

"Oh yeah? And what about you, brother? Aren't you supposed to be somewhere else? Like…I don't know maybe uncle Luke's house?" my voice is cold and he flinches because he knows he's in trouble, but his eyes are as stubborn as they always were and I am surprised how even in so much pain he is willing to argue with me

"You are still not supposed to be here. That's not what I wanted!"

"And what did you expect me to do, Stefan?" I ask getting even more mad than I was before "To sit comfortably in my bed and drink my beer in peace knowing you were out there, sleeping god knows where, having no medications, no money, no food? Should I have just let it be?"

"Yes" he responds without thinking twice and my jaw drops as I watch him swallow hard and squeeze his eyes for a moment before looking up again-I wanted you to move on.

"You ran away! You fucking ran away from uncle Luke's! No, wait a minute, let me go back in time-you first ran away from our parent's house, then you ran away from my flat and now you ran away from the only place where you told me you don't want to leave!" he closes his eyes for a moment obviously disagreeing with me, but not telling me why "You're seventeen, Stefan! Seventeen! You're still a child. We are responsible for you!"

"You mean our dear mother and father are, but they hate me so much, they can't look at me, so you decided to take their place" he interrupts me and his voice is so cold, it gives me goosebumps "There's no need for that, Damon. I never wanted you to feel like you should take care of me. It's not your job. Plus I can do it all myself."

"Right, you are so good at it, that your heart gave out on you a week later." I scolds again and he sighs as if annoyed with all this but I know that in reality, he's as angry as I am "You know that you have to take care of yourself, you know that you need medications, you know that you have to be cautious and yet you go out in the middle of the worst goddamn heat there is and bust your ass and for what? So you can run from town to town just to be away from us."

"Do you think I like this?" he asks again, his voice silent and serious and for the first time when he speaks up I am not angry "Do you think it's so great for me to move all the time, to work for bus money and beg people to hire me in exchange for food? Do you think it's great for me?"

"Then why didn't you just come home?" I ask simply and he raises himself up on the pillows

"Home?" he laughs "What home, Damon? I don't have a home" he says seriously and I realize that he's right. Our parents kicked him out to his uncle. He had nowhere to live, no place he could call his home, his house. He didn't even have his own room anymore "I don't even know what's going to happen now" he adds sadly

"You're coming with me, Stefan" I say seriously now and he gives me a confused look "You'll live with me and Bonnie."

"No!" he says stubbornly

"I'm not asking you. You're really bad, you need to be checked up, you need to be taken care of. You can't keep moving around, working that hard and hoping to be fine. You won't be fine. You're weak and you need help. "

"I don't want to-"he begins but I interrupt him

"Stop!" I cut him off harsh "Stop this! Stop fighting me! Stop pushing me away! Stop running! Just stop! You're not getting away with this. I am taking you with me and that's the end of the discussion" he tries to interrupt me again, but I don't let him "Don't come up with excuses! Don't you even dare, Stefan. You are my brother, for godssakes and if our parents are giving up on you, I am not. Hell, I'm not leaving you even if the whole world turns its back on you, do you understand?"

"Damon, I-" his voice is shaking now, he's falling apart before me and I grab his hand, squeezing it tightly. He still had the nerve to oppose me

"I am dragging you back home, even if I have to tie you up and toss you in the trunk, you stupid stubborn kid! I am not leaving without you, so just stop fighting me, will you?" I ask and he finally nods. I push him down to the pillows and watch him brush away the sweat from his face, he seemed a bit better, but he was still weak "You have to rest. Don't you dare stand up, alright? I'll kick your ass!"

"You're very cranky today, Damon" he complains and I smile as I bury my hand in his messy hair

"You ran away from me, you damn right I'm cranky, Stefan" I huff pretending to be annoyed but I am glad I've convinced him to just give up.

I could see that he wasn't very happy with the outcome of the events and we had to talk about this, but I wasn't about to do that now. I wanted to scold him some more and tell him that I will figure out a way to punish him, probably ground him when we get back home, but Miranda interrupted us when she came in holding a tray with soup and some bread.

I thanked her and Stefan sighed annoyed, obviously not willing to get anything in his stomach, not that I was going to ask him. I picked up the spoon and the bowl and with much protests from his side, finally made him eat the whole thing, after which I urged him to get some sleep.

Once he was out, I sighed tiredly and checked his pulse again, relieved that his vitals were a little bit better. I had to wake him up in a few hours and give him more pills though, but I could use that time to catch up on my sleep, since I haven't had a decent one ever since he disappeared.

I lied down on the couch opposite of his and tossed my jacket over my shoulders, praying that tomorrow he will be better and I'll get him home safely.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you all for reviewing this story and for being patient with me. Since I haven't posted a chapter in a while, I decided to post two tonight, so after this one, you'll get another one and with that a part of Stefan's journey will end and another one will start, which will be shorter and will lead us to the end. Thanks for those being concerned about me. I haven't given writing up, I am trying to write as much as I can when I have free time, I just stopped publishing for a while. When it comes to Rattle my cage, that story is on hiatus right now. I have no will to write Stelena right now and when my inspiration comes back I'll write a chapter for it. I'm sorry for that one. Enjoy!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Stefan's POV**

I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. It was the same one I've been having for more than a year now, it was more of a memory than a dream actually, but it was slightly different from what really happened-I always see myself getting out of this house where the party was, I am drunk and I've taken some pills and I am trying to get myself home.

I'm stumbling up and down the streets, cars honk at me, people hit their breaks as they see me trying to cross the road in the worst place possible. I walk for a very long time until the effect of the alcohol and the drugs starts wearing off and I begin to wonder what will happen once I get home and how angry my father will be for being late-I was sure it was after midnight, and then I make a left turn that leads me to this empty street, I can't see a soul out there, only a corner shop on the other side, but it's far away.

I'm calm as I take the first step, I don't expect to hear a sound, it's a quiet night out here and this part of town was surely asleep. And then this jeep comes out of nowhere, I don't even see the lights, because as it turned out later, he hasn't even turned them on, he is speeding off towards me and I only realize what it's happening when he tries to hit the breaks. Then I feel him hitting me, I feel it all and I wake up in pain, groaning and afraid.

This is what happened now too. I had this dream at least twice a week, I am not sure even Damon knew about it. When I look around myself now, I find him sleeping on the couch opposite of mine. I put my hand on my fast beating heart and command it to slow down, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to forget all about the awful dream I had when I hear someone moving next to me and open my arms, thinking it was Damon and I've woken him up after all. But it wasn't him.

"Elena?" I say confused and raise myself up on the pillows as I watch her settle down next to me "What are you doing here?" she was dressed in her PJs and it seemed as if she just woke up. She grabs my hand and squeezes it tight as she gives me a small smile.

 **Damon's POV**

"I heard you tossing" I hear someone's whisper and I open up my eyes. I'm lying on the couch with my back turned to my brother and it takes me a minute to realize that it must be Elena and that Stefan is probably awake. My first instinct is to get up and make sure he's fine, but something stops me and I find myself unwilling to move.

Was it that I wanted to hear what they'll talk about? Was it because I didn't trust him and I wanted to find out more? I wasn't sure, but I didn't move. I stayed like I was, pretending to be asleep

"I came to check out if you're okay."

"I'm fine, it was just a dream" he responds and I hear him move, probably trying to raise himself up "A nightmare actually" he clarifies

"About what?" she asks and her voice is concerned. I wondered how much she actually cared for him if she stood up and came to see how he is after she heard him scream. I noticed that she was worried and confused when we brought him in earlier and when I got him here and made sure he's fine, she asked me a bunch of questions like why is he like that and what's wrong and wouldn't leave me alone until I answered. Maybe there was something going on between them or maybe they just cared for one another. Either way, I didn't mind that.

"The car accident" he responds barely audible, as if he's afraid to even say it out loud, as if he doesn't want to remember anything about it. My heart clenches "I have it every now and then."

"I'm sorry" she says truly concerned "Do you feel better now?"

"What did my brother tell you exactly?" he asks instead with a light chuckle. That's how he covered all his pain, it was an old habit of his

"Almost everything you didn't, I guess." she responds, not at all surprised by his question, but not accusing either. She seemed really calm, unlike Stefan who sounded tense and extremely tired

"And yet you're still here" he says after a minute of complete silence, in which he probably contemplated how to react

"Is that a bad thing?" she asks confused "Do you want me to go?"

"No! Not at all" he hurries to respond and I can hear them move in the dark, he's trying to get up and I barely hold myself down, cause if he even attempts to move I would kick his sorry ass "I just don't…understand that's all."

"What happens now, Stefan?" she asks with a sigh, refusing to give him any proper explanation as to why she is here after she found everything about him, the drugs, running away, leaving school "You're leaving, what will we do? If you even want to do anything at all, that is."

"My brother's taking me home tomorrow" he responds and there is a certain kind of sadness in his words

"Do you want to go?" she sounds curious and worried and I wondered what exactly happened between them

"I don't know" he responds honestly "I really don't" he sighs "I don't want to leave you, but on the other hand…it feels like I have to go. I can't keep running away."

"I see" she just says sadly and I hear him move again

"Elena, I love every minute that we spent together here" he says and I can imagine him smiling "I loved everything about this place, I am being grateful that your mother took me in, that you trusted me enough to hear me out even if I seemed like the worse kid out there, that you are here now after knowing how much wrong I did in my life" he takes a deep sharp breathe and I can't help but wince at this. He sounded awful-his voice was hoarse, he couldn't catch his breath, all because his heart was screwed up. All because I let him screw it up "Most of all I loved kissing you and starting at the starts while lying in the hay, thinking about how beautiful this world is, but-"

"But you have to go" she completes his sentence and he sighs. So I was right after all-there was something between them. Maybe they've fallen in love…maybe it was something they weren't even sure of yet "I understand."

"I'm sorry." he says again barely audible and she doesn't say anything in return, I can hear her lean down and kiss him. For a moment I feel bad for eavesdropping and I realize that maybe I shouldn't have done that, they deserved their privacy, but then again I was Stefan's big brother and I had no idea what's been going with him in the past few months ever since I last visited uncle Luke's house and I wanted to figure out everything that's been going on, because I knew well enough he won't tell me on his own.

"I'm glad your brother's here and is taking care of you" she says next "You need someone like that in your life."

"I really didn't want him to find me" Stefan responds in a minute "He is the reason I left my home in the first place."

"But why?" she asks confused and I tense, but try not to give out in any way that I'm awake and can hear them

"Because I screw things up" he admits with a chuckle "If I've stayed there with him, I would've screwed up his life and I couldn't let this happen. I didn't want him to be the one taking care of me either. I wanted him to have a good life, work on his career and be happy with his girlfriend, not take care of a broken guy like me. He's way better off without me." his confession stuns me even though I've thought about that a lot and I knew that there is a reason for him going uncle Luke's house and refusing to stay, but I always thought it was because mother made him do so, I doubted it had anything to do with me.

"That's bullshit" she responds and feel so surprised from her words "He needs you as much as you need him. You're brothers, that is a strong bond, it can't be broken or change overnight. You'll forgive each other every time you make a mistake, because you love each other too much." she explains whispering afraid not to wake me up and Stefan remains silent, thinking over her words "You running away from him does no good to either of you, it just makes things way more complicated. I saw the way he held you today when you were unconscious. It's the same way my mother held my father's body after he died." I swallow hard as I listen to her and Stefan clears his throat in the dark, probably trying to get himself together as well "He's scared to death of losing you."

"Yeah" Stefan finally speaks up "I don't want to lose him either." he admits and I can hear his voice breaking down" I get scared just thinking about it. He's the only person I have out there. He always has and always will be."

"You go with him" she adds after he takes a minute to compose himself "Fix your relationship. Let him help you and then one day, when you feel you're ready, you can come by and visit me, okay?" she sounds sad and on the verge of breaking down, but I hear them moving in the dark, my brother probably taking her in his arms, kissing her

"That's a promise, Gilbert" he whispers and they stay like this for a while until she decides it's time to get back to her room. I will myself to fall asleep, even though I know Stefan isn't. I can hear him moving on the couch, grunting, cursing silently, but I didn't want to wake up and help him right away, because that meant he'll know I was awake and heard them. Eventually about half an hour after she left, I am about to get up and ask him if he's alright.

And then I heard him sobbing.

I turn around in the couch and almost jump from my place, only to find him with his back to me, shaking under the light blanket, burying his blond head in his pillow.

And my heart breaks for him.

* * *

"Stefan" I shake him up a bit, it's very early in the morning and I knew he would hate me for it, but he could sleep in the truck. He's been up all night and I think he finally managed to fall about an hour ago "Come on, brother, wake up" I beg him and he groans, refusing to open his eyes and pushing me away with his healthy hand "Come on, sleepy head we gotta leave" I beg him as I chuckle of his desperate attempts to hide from me. He pulls the blanket up his face and turns his back to me

"Earlyyyy" he mumbles under the blanket "Sleep" his comment makes me laugh, but on the inside I am breaking down for torturing him like that

"I know, but we have to leave while it's still early and not so hot. I don't want you to feel as bad as yesterday, okay?" I explain and he groans again under the blankets, but I know he's not only prolonging that because he's sleepy, but because he doesn't want to leave too.

"I hate you!" he mumbles again as I pull the blanket off of him. I look down at him and realize how small and weak he looks to me, crumpled in two, messy hair sticking in every direction possible, he has lost so much weight since he left me for uncle Luke's house, it wasn't even funny. And it surely wasn't normal-for a moment he seems like a child to me.

"Come on, please. We have to go" I beg him seriously now and he opens up his eyes.

After a few grumpy sighs from his side he finally sits up and then with much effort, manages to get himself up. I am fixing his bag and taking care of all his belongings and I don't even look at him at the moment, but I hear him stagger and when I turn around I realize he's about to fall down so I rush to his side and grab him last minute

"Hey, hey, easy there!" I beg him as he squeezes his eyes for a minute and grabs my arms, holding on for dear life "You alright?"

"Give me a minute" he asks and I nod, keeping him in my arms and waiting for him to regain his strength. He was still as weak as yesterday and it was really scaring me out of my mind.

"Stefan?" I ask concerned after his minute passes and he still hasn't move. He opens his eyes, turns to me and smiles

"Relax, brother, I am just sleepy" he finally says and lets go of me, even though I don't want him to, afraid that he'll fall "Stop being such a grandma all the time!" he jokes and I huff annoyed, but actually, I am scared. I am so scared for him.

I make him take his meds, and finish packing up his stuff in the duffel bag, not that they were many. We went to the kitchen where we had breakfast with Miranda and Elena.

The kids were both quiet and throwing each other sad glances, while Miranda was nervously walking up and down the house, getting herself ready while I was observing my brother and scolding him for not eating too much. I could see he had no strength so I stopped pushing him to do something he didn't want to even if he needed the food.

I let him and Elena go outside and say their goodbyes while I thanked Miranda for everything. She made me promise I'll call every once in a while and said I could bring Stefan down here whenever I wanted. I wasn't sure she would be so open to the idea if she knew there was something going on between my brother and her daughter but I didn't say anything-I didn't think it was necessary.

Stefan had a long road ahead of him and it would be very hard both for him and for me. I knew that he has changed for the better, but I was still worried about him going back to the city. I would have to work most the time and leave him alone and I was afraid he'll do something stupid and get himself into troubles. I had to figure a way to keep him safe.

When I finally get outside on the porch I find the two of them kissing passionately and the minute they hear the door open, the pull away and turn around scared out of their minds. Once they figure that it's not Miranda but me, they relax and even get a little bit ashamed, because they both blush and look away uncomfortably.

"We have to go" I say with a knowing smile and Stefan nods. He's glad that I am not commenting on what I just saw. Elena steps on her toes and gives him one last kiss on the cheek before they separate for probably a long time.

I help my brother get down the stairs, because even that seems to be troublesome for him and once we're settled in the truck and ready to go, I notice him staring at the house. It's a beautiful place, it's not very big, but they have a relatively decent amount of property and the horses were so beautifully grazing in the distance. The sun was already beginning to rise and the house was colored by the sunrays that were announcing the arrival of the new day. Miranda came out just after I've turned on the engine and her and Elena waved one last time before we took off.

I noticed my brother was more silent than ever and he didn't took his glance of the horses and the meadows.

"I want to have such a place one day" he says with his hoarse weak voice that gives me shivers

"A farm?" I ask surprised and watch him nod

"Yeah, I want a small house some property to it, maybe an apple garden or two like uncle Luke's ones and some horses."

"Well maybe one day you'll have that, Stefan" I say optimistically and he chuckles as if he doesn't believe a word I am saying

"I doubt that, brother. But thanks for the encouragement."

"You can do anything you want, kid. Just have to believe in yourself more" I say supportively and he just shakes his head weakly in the seat.

God, he couldn't even sit straight for more than a minute. I was starting to wonder if uncle Luke wasn't right the other day, maybe I should've taken him to the hospital, no matter how much he hated it. But I just wanted to take care of him myself, I knew I could do it and when we go back to the city, I'll make sure he gets the right treatment.

"Maybe" he says with uncertainty as he turns to the window and closes his eyes, resting back on the seat. I look at him and sigh-he was wearing a white t-shirt and I could see the big scar that went from his shoulder all the way down to his elbow.

It was from the surgery they did after the accident when they tried to fix his hand, which couldn't be fixed, not in the way it used to be before at least. He has already sweated and we haven't even been traveling for half an hour. I stretch out and touch his forehead which annoys him and he shakes off my hand

"Hey, leave me alone!" he mumbles sleepy, but I wouldn't let him go so I press my hand to his face, just to make sure that he's fine or at least not as bad as he was before "You're so damn annoying. Are you gonna be that annoying when we start living together?"

"Yes. I only want to make sure you're fine, so stop being an asshole."

"I'm fine. I've been taking care of myself ever since you left for college, so will you stop being such an annoying piece of shit?" he protests and punches me in the shoulder just to get back at me but I know he's fooling around.

"It's different now" I say before I even realize that I'm speaking out my thoughts, something that he shouldn't have heard

"Why? Because I'm so much more screwed up now?" his voice is serious, he's no longer joking "It's okay, Damon. You don't have to worry so damn much. You're getting too soft" he smiles again, but I don't change my expression, I am serious, and tired. And I had to carry his lifeless body in my arms yesterday while I was scared to death. I would never stop worrying about him.

When I take the highway, he falls asleep and I don't wake him up until we make it home. Even then he is tired like hell and still feels so bad, even if he's not admitting it. I had to help him walk and when Bonnie opened the door for us and saw how pale and barely moving he was, she led us straight to his room, or at least his temporary room, this was initially supposed to be the nursery, but we still haven't started renovating it.

I had no idea where I'll put Stefan once we get on this matter and make the preparations for the baby. I guess we'll have to move in a bigger flat. However that wasn't my main concern now at all. It was him and what was I going to do about his condition. When I put him down, he fell asleep almost right away and once I checked his pulse and realized how weak it is again, I swallowed hard and woke him up to give him the rest of his medications. I had to take him to the hospital tomorrow and do my best to give him the best treatment possible. Once he was back on his feet, we could decide how things will proceed from now on.

I sat on the chair next to his bed and observed him, making sure that he was fine. He wasn't even resting in his sleep-he would toss and turn and grunt in his sleep, sometimes he would call out my name or mumble something I couldn't understand and I would hold his hand in mine and squeeze it as if that was going to change something.

I realized that I might've been a doctor, but I had no idea how to help him. There was no way to fix him, not after all the things he did to himself.

He was not himself. He was and never could be the happy energetic boy I remember from my childhood. Now he was looking at everything with some sort of fear, as if any moment someone would hit him or crush him and he had to be prepared, his hands were constantly shaking and back when I've visited them in the farm, Karen said she has nightmares which woke even her up. I couldn't believe that so many things happened to him and that I was unable to change his situation.

But now I was determined to make it right. I had to sign him up for school, at least evening one and I had to set up rules so that he doesn't stray away. He was doing good at uncle Luke's and I had to keep it that way, even if I was working and had barely any time.

I couldn't let him go back to the life he had before. It was time for things to start working out.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Everything in Italic is a dream! As for your questions-no, the story isn't over yet, there's some more to it and to the other reviewer-I'm sorry, I've seen only the first season of The Originals, so I'm kind of completely unaware of this world and what's going on there.**

* * *

 **Stefan's POV**

It's been a little over a month since I came back to the city with Damon and I was walking home from a long afternoon shift at work. I was sighing for I knew that Damon would be home this evening and he would be there to scold me once again for not coming on time for dinner.

He's been really grumpy and concerned about me ever since we went to this fancy doctor after I came back, who told him things don't look that good for me. Actually, they were worse than Damon even supposed to, but I asked the doctor to keep things between us. I only wanted my brother to know the basic facts and not worry too much, yet he did so anyway. It was his job or so he kept reminding me even if I was strongly against him spending so much time wondering how he should help me. There was nothing he could do, though, I think that's what bugged him most of all. I was just screwed up and I wasn't strong enough for any kind of procedures or surgeries right now.

He insisted that I stay home at first and rest as best as I could. He was always checking up on me and called every hour when he was at work. I was bored out of my mind and I was uncomfortable being back here to begin with. I loved being with Damon and spending as much time as I could with him and Bonnie. For now things were going good. He signed me up for evening school which wasn't that awesome but I pretended that everything's fine. I had to. For Damon, I had to keep up and not disappoint him.

When we got back from the Gilbert's farm, he grounded me for two weeks just for running away and took my phone, which meant I couldn't talk to Elena who was the only person I wanted to talk to, but I got over it pretty fast. I mean, Damon could be harsh, but he wasn't uncle Luke.

Things kind of escalated when I came home one day and told him I've got a job. That pissed him off to no extent. He didn't want me to do anything physically exhausting and we got in a big fight, because I had to explain that working in a diner and washing plates or making burgers wasn't at all a big deal compared to the stuff I did in the farm, but he wouldn't want to hear it at all.

We fought so much that we stopped talking to each other for days and I was pessimistic that things will change any time soon, but thanks to Bonnie, who was sick of our attitude we made up. She called us both for dinner and gave us a big speech about acting so immature.

He still wasn't okay with it but at least he wasn't constantly nagging.

I began climbing the stairs to our flat, thinking again what the hell will happen once the baby is born. There wasn't enough space for all of us here and I knew that once Bonnie stops working, we'll be short on money, which is another reason why I wanted to find a job. I had to help them. I knew that my father was surely not going to let Damon deal with all of this alone, but I didn't want him to pay for me as well.

We have seen each other only once since I got back and it was only with my mother, who barely looked at me. They were kind of angry with Damon and the decisions he made when it comes to me. I feel like if I screw up even once, they'll step in and ship me off somewhere. I was still a minor and I was impatiently waiting for my eighteenth birthday to come. Then at least if something happened maybe they would stay out of it. Though I doubted it. If I was staining the family name, they wouldn't let me get away with it. They would rather have me go to jail than be out there and do something that might run their perfect reputation. They weren't thinking about me as being a part of the family anymore…not that they ever did as I think about it.

I stop a few steps before our front door and lean on the cold wall, just to take some rest and try to catch my breath. Everything here was so much harder than at the farm. I wish I could go back there and just work all day long and get grunts from Luke than watch my brother's tortured and tired face.

God, he was working so much lately it was killing him. I loved being here, I loved having him so close, but I hated the fact that he was busting his ass not only for Bonnie and the baby they were expecting, but for me as well. He had to pay for all my medications and they weren't exactly cheap. I hated all of that, it made me feel so damn helpless and worthless.

The minute I get inside the flat and close the door, Damon is already peeking up from the living room and frowning once he sees that I can't even catch my breath again.

"You took the stairs again?" he asks worriedly and I nod as I take off my jacket.

He was constantly making sure I am fine and he would drive me insane. He was asking me at least five times in the span of two hours how do I feel and if something hurts and I was so annoyed that sometimes I would go to my room, lie down and cover my ears with my pillow so that I wouldn't yell at him, because that was the last thing I wanted.

"The elevator is still broken" I announced once I am able to catch my breath. I am sweaty and I stink of pancakes, but I want to rest first before I go to bed so I follow him to the living room where the TV was already on. Bonnie was working tonight so it was only the two of us.

"I ordered Chinese" he announces when I collapse on the couch and put my feet on the coffee table, something which both of us were afraid to do when Bonnie was here cause she was kicking asses "Here" he passes by a box as I sit down and I attack it right away, but after taking just a few bites I realize that I'm not that hungry anymore. That happened often lately. I would feel hungry and then after I eat a little I just give it up

"So how was your day? "he asks and I sigh as I lean back on the couch and stare at the film on the TV

"Turn the game on" I grunt with whatever strength I have inside and he furrows his eyebrows

"No. When you watch those things you get all weird after that" he says observingly but I just huff in his direction

"Damon, it's football for godssakes, not porn" I say angrily and try to reach the remote, but he's fast and raises his hand above his head, making it hard for me to get it, because I just won't move an inch more, since I am that tired

"Stefan, I'm serious, brother" he says "Let's just watch a movie"

"I won't be watching you sob on one of your stupid soap operas again, Damon. It's like you're the one who's pregnant and not Bonnie" I joke and he slaps the back of my neck pretending to be angry which gives me the opportunity to yank the remote away from him

"Stop making fun of everything!" he huffs annoyed as I switch to the sports channel just when the game has started and lean back on the couch trying to get as comfortable as I can even if I am having a hard time breathing. Still. Fifteen minutes after I was already home.

"You okay, kid?" he asks when he notices that I haven't responded

"Yeah, just tired" I announce and the minute I do, I realize that I should've kept my mouth shut, because that's exactly what he wants to hear, so he can start scolding me.

"That's why I was against you working so much!" his voice is serious and kind of cold now.

He wants to scold me but doesn't want to get too far because he knows we'll fight. I'm glad that he wasn't too pushy about some stuff-I never told him what happened between uncle Luke and me before I ran away, even if he asked me more than once.

I lied, saying that I just took off and I don't know if he believed me or not, but I didn't really care. I was over it by now. I know that he did it only because he was drunk and he hated me, but I couldn't go down that road right now. Remembering all the times someone kicked my ass, would completely exhaust me.

Aunt Karen has been calling us every week, making sure I was fine and I was grateful to her for that. She was the only one besides Damon who ever gave a damn about me and I wanted to keep talking to her even if I wasn't fond of uncle Luke at the moment.

"Oh God, don't start again, please don't!" I beg him tiredly and I guess he realizes I am not up for this right now because he just crosses his arms on his chest and stares at the TV, throwing me angry looks every now and then.

"Eat more!" he says and I shake my head. I really felt like hell, those stairs tired me more than I thought they would after the awful day I've had "Stefan, come on" he is not as cold anymore, he takes a good look at me and I guess he sees that I'll probably fall asleep soon. He leans closer and takes the plate away from me, placing it on the table "You've sweated" he notices and I realize how wet my shirt already is, but I don't care

"I'm fine" I mumble annoyed and keep staring at the TV, ignoring him completely "Oh, God your poor kid will have such a hard time with you" I say with a smile and let him move close to me. I lean down on his shoulder and close my eyes for a moment "It's good they'll have me to teach them all the great stuff about life" I joke and he laughs

"Yeah, like what? Not eat and never listen to your elders?"

"Exactly" I respond with a sigh, I feel myself starting to fall "Damon?" I call out in a minute and I feel him tense. My poor brother, always getting so worried about me. Gosh, how much I screwed him up "When the baby comes…" I begin carefully "What are we going to do?"

"Well that's a good question since I have no idea how I'm going to raise a child" he jokes but I shake my head

"I'm serious" I begin once again "What are we going to do…about me?"

"What do you mean?" he tenses again and I look up only to meet his confused blue eyes staring down at me

"I think that maybe I should…find a place of my own, somewhere close" I suggest. I didn't want to leave him, but I didn't want to bother him too much "I asked around, there's this small flat opposite of our street. We can still be together but-"

"Stefan, shut up right now before I've got really mad" he interrupts me and I look up at him a little scared by the tone of his voice "You're not going anywhere."

"But-" I begin again and try to move up, but I'm so damn tired that I don't have the strength to do so "Damon I think that-"

"Stefan, I said it once already, don't piss me off! You're not going anywhere. You're staying here with us."

"But…why? I mean it's not even that far away and we can-"

"You know that you're not fooling anyone, Stefan" he begins, his voice getting angrier with every sentence "I know how bad you feel and I can see the exhausted look on your face as well as your trembling hands and your inability to catch your breath. You're not fine and I don't want to let you out of my sight."

"You'll have to. One day" I say with a sigh as I look down and stare at the TV "I'm completely fine."

"Just stop pissing me off!" he cuts me before I can even finish making excuses, he knows I am full of shit "We're not going to discuss this anymore. You're staying with us and that's it. We'll find enough room for three people and a baby and if we can't I'll rent another apartment."

"That will cost you" I begin but he cuts me off again

"I can deal with it, stop worrying so much." I sigh and get annoyed that he keeps treating me like a child. I wasn't a kid anymore, I stopped being a kid when that college boy hit me with his jeep and crushed my dreams into a thousand pieces.

"I wish you'd knew I am a grown up already, Damon" I say and he just laughs out loud making me furrow my eyebrows once again annoyed by him. He digs his hand in my hair and ruffles it playfully, as he stands up and I almost lose my support, when I feel him pushing me down the pillows

"You have a long way to go before you become an adult" he says as he covers me up with a blanket "Don't rush into it." he puts a pillow under my head and smiles "Get rest, smarty pants."

I grunt angry that he doesn't want to get me at all but he kneels down and looks at me seriously one last time.

"And if you come home again like this, barely walking and breathing, I want you to quit this job, you understand?" he pretends to be saying this all calmly and casually but I know that he's angry and serious. I don't say anything and close my eyes instead, pretending to be falling "Stefan?" he calls out, but I refuse to respond "Stupid stubborn kid." he mumbles as he gets up and heads off to the kitchen.

* * *

 _I'm walking side by side with Damon downtown. It's the same night in which me, uncle Luke, Karen and the kids went downtown to see the fair, with just a few differences. I am dressed in my old football jacket and I feel good-I can catch my breath, my heart is not beating out of my chest and my arm doesn't hurt. I turn right to see my brother shoving his hand in the pop corns and giving me one of his gentle smiles._

 _"What's up, brother?" he asks as if confused to why I seem so worried_

 _"Why are you here, Damon?" I ask and he furrows his eyebrows, stopping suddenly, in the middle of the street we were crossing._

 _"What are you talking about? I came to see you!" he announces as if I'm the dumbest kid in the world and I shake my head even more confused than before_

 _"But I came back home with you! Why are you here now? Why are we both here?" I ask again concerned_

 _"Stefan, are you okay brother?" he asks and he takes the pop corn away from me, putting his hand on my arm and squeezing it tightly "Do you feel alright?"_

 _"Of course I feel alright! I've never been better! I just don't understand what are we doing here?" he looks away as if he's trying to figure out what the hell was I talking about and then he looks back, meeting my eyes_

 _"Stefan, you came back here, don't you remember?" he asks and I shake my head which seems to terrify him "Are you sure you're feeling fine? Maybe we should head back to uncle Luke's" he announces, but I don't want to go without knowing what's wrong, so I grab his hand, but before I can say anything else, I feel some lights coming from my right, blinding me, I squeeze my eyes for just a second and feel my heart beating out of my chest._

 _When I open them up and turn in the direction of the light, I see a big brown jeep heading straight to us. It takes me a minute to realize that if we don't move, we'll both die, but then again I am so paralyzed I can barely move. I turn back to Damon, who's still staring at the jeep and I can see he's slowly realizing what's going on too. Before I know what's going on, I put my hands on his chest and push him back_

 _"Damon, go!" I yell out. He turns to me one last time and I can see the terrified expression on his face as I watch him stumble on the sidewalk. I don't get to see anything else, because that's when the jeep hits me._

I wake up breathing heavily and sit straight up in the couch. I can feel the tears coming down my face and my heart beating so damn loud out of my chest, I didn't even have to put my hand on to feel it, I could hear it.

It took me a minute to realize where I was-the TV was still on and there were some commercials going. The kitchen was dark and when I turned to Damon and Bonnie's room, I found the door only slightly opened. He always did this-he felt like he should keep an eye on me, but when the thing was that when he was so tired from his shifts, nothing could wake him up, not even if I screamed in the middle of the night.

Which I didn't do.

There were no screams. Never screams. I had this dream with a different scenario almost every night and I never screamed, but I woke up and I could never go back to sleeping.

That was something Damon didn't know about. He didn't even have the slightest idea. He was so busy preparing everything for the baby who was very soon to come to this world and he was buried in work.

Moreover, I would never let him notice that something's wrong. No matter what. He is already worried enough about my health, he doesn't need the fact that I am going crazy added to my screwed up heart or my crippled arm. Those were enough for him.

I sigh and try to breathe deep in order to calm myself and my damn heart down. I stand up slowly and first head to his door, checking if he's indeed sleeping and then closing the door, so to make absolutely sure there's no way he could ever hear me.

Then I headed to the kitchen, had a glass of water and cleaned up my face. I still couldn't calm myself down. It usually took my hours before I succeeded, so like always in these situations, I grabbed my sweater and slowly, silently headed off. I knew I could be back before Damon gets up or Bonnie comes back from work.

Once I was out, I put on my hood and my headphones, turning on the loud rock music so I would just scare away all the awful thoughts, all the memories, all the dreams that chased me every night.

Here's the thing-it was all good. That's what Damon thought. But the truth is that it wasn't. It has never been. A week after I Damon brought me home, the first nightmare happened. I was not myself and I couldn't figure out why it was so bad this time-I've had it before and I've managed to calm myself down, but when it happened for the first time back then, I was shaking like a leaf, just like I am right now and I just couldn't calm myself down, my heart wouldn't stop racing and I had difficulties concentrating. It was like I couldn't breathe. And it took me a while to get myself together and go out. Outside I could breathe better, it was somehow different. I think it was because I could hide outside. Damon wouldn't know something's wrong if I wasn't home, if he doesn't see me.

So every time it happened, I went outside. I would sometimes run if I didn't feel too bad, other times I would just walk, like I am now. I just don't have strength for anything else now. But no matter what I do, I always end up at the same place.

The street I got hit by the jeep with the guy inside, who was drunk just as I was drunk that night, only I wasn't driving. I think even in my shittiest possible moment, I haven't thought about doing this and I was a rebel back then.

I don't even watch my step, I am letting the music consume me and help me feel better, I am desperate to find something to hold on to.

Sometimes in such moments I would call Elena and even though I never said anything, I think she knew, she always did, she said it's my voice-it was sad. I knew I worried her, but I needed someone to talk to and she was there and she, unlike Damon, wouldn't push me to talk.

She didn't even know why I was awake in three in the morning, she just accepted it and kept her thoughts and remarks to herself. For that I was grateful, because sometimes I didn't need someone to just discuss things with-actually, that's the last thing I wanted to do. I just wanted to take my mind off the fact that I was reliving the same moment over and over again that left me so shattered, I couldn't find a way to get myself back together. With Elena I could not say a word-she did all the talking, she calmed me down and by the end of our conversation my heartbeat was back to normal.

But I realized that doing this was wrong. It was wrong towards her. And in my desperate attempts to keep this a secret from my brother, I was hurting her and she didn't deserve it. She's been through a lot as it is, she didn't need me on top of everything. I realized that, which is why I didn't pick up the phone from my pocket and call her tonight.

It wasn't stubbornness. It's not my character at all.

It's just that sometimes it gets so heavy in my chest as if I am carrying a load that just won't go away. I turn around and see all those things that remind me of my life before-the town is suffocating me. There are the streets where I fought with a boy for drugs, the place where Tyler and I first got high, the bench I slept on after a rough night in some random house where I got drunk and had nowhere to sleep.

And that was just one side of everything-then came all the other stuff-my parent's house. Yes, sometimes I ended up there as well. I would lean on one of the trees in front of our big property and stare at the window where my old room was, remember all the times my father and I fought, or all the times my mom didn't open her mouth to defend me. It was all too much.

But I couldn't tell this to anyone. Because the truth is-there were good days and I was happy being here with Damon and Bonnie and I didn't want to leave this behind, I surely didn't blame them for getting me back here and trying to help me-they've done more than enough. It's just that lately, the days have been more awful than good and I was starting to find it hard to keep myself together.

I am not sure that even if I wanted to, I could explain to someone what was going on. I am reliving the moment I almost died, then I am dreaming about me and my brother in front of the truck and me trying to save him or something of the sort. If that doesn't sound insane, I don't know what is.

I let my feet take me downtown, I don't follow anything or anyone, I actually feel like I am carrying something broken and tugging it behind me. It's slowing me down and making it hard to breathe, but my sane mind tells me that there's nothing behind me, that it's just my fast step that's increasing my heartbeat and my screwed up heart making it hard for me to breathe.

I squeeze the box of cigarettes in my pocket as I take a right turn and almost crash into some big tough guy. He yells something at me, but I don't pay attention-there's nothing around me in such moments-I am so damn lost in my own awful thoughts that even if Damon was standing before me right now, I wouldn't recognize him.

Another turn. I smile-I am getting close.

How it is that it hurts so much sometimes? How is it possible, I wonder? Are we made of pain and nothing else or is that just what life's constructed from? I don't know. That's too hard for me to answer.

All I am sure of is that if I knew there's nothing good out there waiting for me, I would end my life. I often think about that as I lean on the wall opposite of the street where I got hit. It's a nice wall-with red bricks. It's actually an apartment building and sometimes I can hear the people above me from open the window talk or listen to music or laugh or turn their TVs on and I think how great it is that they have it all normal, because that's all I wanted too.

I didn't want to be here. I was drawn here, by some masochistic feeling inside. It wasn't drinking or taking drugs this time, but it was just as bad-it was me coming here and staring at the damn road, reliving it over and over and over again after the dream triggered it.

I took my cigarette out and leaned on the wall as I lit it up and stared at the road like I did every other night. I didn't wonder anymore, there were no questions in my head-this just happened. I broke down inside and I couldn't pick myself up.

I knew that this feeling of emptiness inside won't be gone by tomorrow. I was aware it will actually settle down for at least a few days, until the next dream and then the next time I end up here. It was a repeating cycle and there was no getting out of it. The problem was that I was finding it hard to gather enough strength as to not let Damon know what's wrong. And I was terrified of the day I won't be able to keep it together.

I threw my bum on the ground and finally left the wall. I don't know how long I stayed here, but the cigarette has burned out and burnt my fingers a bit as well. I didn't feel the pain though so I just sighed and made a right turn, leaving the road and all the flashbacks of me getting hit every time I closed my eyes, behind.

I took a deep breath as I headed towards the old football field. I often ended up there after doing this whole thing to myself. It was a place where I used to be happy and lively and energetic.

It was the only place where I could feel whole.

So I went there. There was nothing to stop me from jumping the old fence, it wasn't even that high and I was in a mood to just get to the benches and observe the whole place from there. They must've had a game tonight because there are cans and popcorn scattered everywhere, card boxes and forgotten clothes or caps here and there.

I take my hood off, pull the headphones from my ears and just lean forward placing my elbows on my knees, observing the whole thing from afar and thinking how once, not so long ago, I was running on it free and untroubled.

I was also arrogant and selfish and I was threating my brother awfully, even if I knew he was on my side. I was a bastard. The difference between now and then is that now I am a ruined bastard.

"Stefan Salvatore?" I hear someone's voice coming from behind me and I jump worriedly from my place only to turn back and see my old coach coming down the stairs" What the hell are you doing here, son?" he asks worriedly, but also surprised. He has always been good to me-he was a nice guy who was the only person besides my brother who ever believed I could be more than just an ordinary idiot who fooled around and got drunk every Friday night.

"Coach Evans" I smile back and let myself relax as I grant him a smile. He approaches me slowly and patiently, I notice that he looks me carefully as if he's trying to figure out what's wrong and why I'm here until his eyes fall on my screwed up arm and I hurry to shove it in my sweater pocket as if I am trying to make him less uncomfortable.

He knew well enough what happened to me-after all he lost his best player that night and he was there in the hospital after it all, I just didn't want to see anyone. I pushed all of them away-my friends, my teammates, I was so damn rude to Damon, who despite everything, didn't leave my side.

"How are you doing, son?" he asks as he approaches me and nods back to the benches, suggesting that we sit down. I follow his lead "I haven't seen you in a while."

"I'm fine" I repeat the lie I tell everyone "I was just wandering around, thought I come by and see this place" he sensed the nostalgia in my voice and looked away for a moment feeling a bit uncomfortable, which, however, passed pretty fast when I tried changing the subject "You had a game tonight, didn't you?" I ask and he nods, surprised that I'm aware of it

"Do you keep up with the team?" he asks next and I shrug

"I don't talk to any of the guys but I listen to the games on the radio when I'm at work sometimes. You're doing good" I decide to add because it's true and because I am no longer a selfish asshole, who can't admit that there is someone better than him out there.

"Work? Are you done studying?" he asks next and I know he's not being curious but that he deeply cares for me, he always had and I even though I can see how bad he feels for me in his eyes, I neglect it for I know it was out of good intentions. I let him pity me

"I'm graduating from evening school soon." I explain and he nods, but I can see that he doesn't think any less of me because of that

"I'm sorry that you got expelled" he says sincerely "They should have been more understanding, considering everything you went through" as he says this he looks at my arm for a moment before he meets my eyes

"It's fine, it wasn't their fault, it was mine." I look away because I don't deserve his compassion "Moreover, I think that the only thing I miss about school is this place."

"You were my best player" he says next with a pride smile "I still can't find a better quarterback for my team and I am not just saying it like this." he smiles at me and I nod politely, not having the strength to respond to that "I heard that you went away" he changes the subject, knowing far too well it might be painful

"I did" I respond with a slight nod "But I had to come back"

"Are you really okay, Stefan?" he asks again "You don't look so good, is there something wrong?" he asks sincerely concerned and I give him a weak smile

"It's alright, coach. Just having a sleepless night" I try to make him calm down, but the truth is that I can no longer calm myself down, it's getting hard for me to breathe and I just couldn't find the peace I was looking for here tonight, so I had to go.

I loved coach, but I couldn't talk to him, not right now, I was beginning to suffocate again.

"I should go, my brother will get worried" I excuse myself as I get up and start moving away as fast as I can. I don't want to be here anymore, not while he was here too. It reminded me of all the things I lost and that hurt like a bitch.

"Stefan, wait" he calls out and I turn around just as I am at the stairs, ready to get out of this goddamn place "Just…"

"It's alright, coach, I really should just go" I say with a polite smile and turn to leave again, but he calls me out once more

"There's a coaching position for the junior league" he says and I slowly turn around furrowing my eyebrows "They are still kids really, ten or eleven year olds" he explains and I still don't get what he means "They are just learning how to throw and train, occasionally there's a game or two, nothing too serious."

"I don't understand" I say still extremely confused

"My assistant coach who was coaching them, moved away last week" he clarifies "You remember him? Mike?" he asks and I nod, recalling a guy in his mid-thirties "I have to find someone else in less than a week."

"I still can't see how this involves me" I say and he smiles gently and shakes his head at my childish foolishness, but I really wasn't getting his point.

"You can coach them, Stefan" he suggests and I step back as if I am afraid only from his words "You know the game like the back of your hands, moreover they are just kids, you won't overtire yourself and it's just a few times a week, so-"

"Look, coach, I know that you feel like you should be doing something for me" I say as I raise my hand as if I want to stop him right where he is as he was approaching me before that "But there's no need for that, I am perfectly fine. I don't need your help."

"It's not about that" he tries to justify his suggestion, but I know better, I can see it in his eyes-all that pity, I have seen it so very often.

Every time I meet someone new, or someone from my old life whom I haven't seen in months-they all look at me and see the broken boy with the screwed up hand who got expelled because he stopped attending and had the most awful grades.

The rebel boy, who used to be a cocky douche who was the high school's most popular guy, who partied every day and fooled around every chance possible. They hated that guy, maybe they resented him, especially those who didn't knew him well, but now, that I am so ruined and broken, they have no choice but to pity me. They think that yes, I was not a good person, but I got in an accident and I almost died and that left me screwed up, so they just had to feel bad for me

"You're going to help me. Please, just think about it. It's not a permanent position" he keeps trying to persuade me "Just until I find someone decent for the boys."

I swallow hard as I look in his eyes-I could use the distraction, that was true, but if Damon found out I've got a second job he would be mad out of his mind, he hates the fact that I am working even now.

Then again, I could barely sleep and I was always tired and drowning in those awful thoughts-maybe that will help me forget about that, at least for a few hours. The truth is I missed being on that field, bust since I could never go back there, the next best thing was helping someone else improve their game. I had no idea how I'll do if I start this. I've helped the coach with the little ones here and there but that was only on a couple of occasions. I would probably fuck up.

"Thanks, coach" I say with a polite smile "But I don't belong here anymore." I turn around and start heading down the stairs, ready to go, afraid that Damon might've woken up and realized I'm not home.

"Please, think about it, Stefan" he begs once again but I don't turn around "You know where to find me!" he adds yelling and I run down the stairs and all the way to the fence, in a desperate attempt to just leave him.

I put my hood and the headphones on.

And I start running back home. I neglect my fast beating heart. I can't hear it this time, it's not like when I woke up from the nightmare. I also don't dare close my eyes because I have no idea if I'll relive the accident or see something else-my past and all my broken dreams.

And for a moment I can't decide which is worse.


	12. Chapter 12

**Stefan's POV**

"Jared, no, no, no, son, you gotta look up in order to see who you're giving to ball to, alright?" I gently explain to one of the kids I've been training for about a month now.

They all suddenly stop and look at me more confused than ever and their expressions make me smile. Marty's helmet was unbuttoned and almost fallen from his head, Jared, my quarterback was putting his hands behind his back nervously, that's what he did when he screwed things up, Wesley, one of my receivers was a few feet away from the whole team, staring at me with an apologizing look for not catching the ball which was send in the opposite direction of his whereabouts, Harper, one of my guards was scratching the back of his head and I am pretty sure he was thinking about what he'll have for lunch.

They were all a bunch of ten or eleven year olds and when I started coaching them I was convinced this would end up being a disaster. They had no basic understanding of the rules and just ran around sporadically, sometimes even without knowing where the ball is, so it took me a week to teach them where they have to run and not to put their shirts on the opposite side so I could see their numbers, or ask them not to play with their helmets when they have nothing better to do.

It was a big struggle at first and I was sure that the only reason the coach gave me this job was because he knew no one else would be up for it. However, with time, the boys who were at first shy and disobedient, started liking me and I began caring too much about them.

I think it all started when Wesley came by and asked me if I could tie his shoes because he was ashamed that he was ten and he still couldn't do it. He was the sweetest kid, a son of some local businessmen who had four more kids he didn't give a damn about. Most of the boys came from rich families like mine.

Some of them struggled, the way I did-they had fathers who put pressure on them or who never praised them for anything, then there were those like Wesley, whose folks couldn't give a damn about him and I often had to drive him home after practice because there was just no one to pick him up, and a very small part of them were sons of regular middle-class workers who always asked me how their kids were doing and came to the games, smiling and eager to support their little ones.

Most of the time I had to train with them and just teach them the basic stuff, it's not like the high school team that had a game every week. They had a game every once in a while just mostly for the fun of it and even then I had troubles with those rich kid's parents who came and scolded me for not coaching them good or for being too soft with them.

Then came coach Evans who would always support me and claim I am the best person to coach their kids. Of course they didn't believe him, but because he was an old respectable and well known man, they didn't have the guts to argue with him either.

Some of them even insulted me and asked me how a man who can't hold or throw the ball himself is supposed to teach their kids anything, but I ignored all that and never let their words get to me. For me the important ones were the kids and I tried to always do my best with them.

"Coach, can I get some water?" Riley, one of the smallest kids in the team raised his hand and I smiled

"Sure, go ahead, but only you!" I instructed, because whenever someone wanted to get water all of them suddenly decided that they're thirsty too.

"Coach, my helmet is too big!" Wesley complained and I sigh as I cross the yard and come to them. They all gather around me as if looking for some kind of shelter. I knew that not all of them wanted to be here, some were just pressured by their parents, but mostly, they enjoyed running around and spending all that energy they possessed

"Come here, Wes" I instruct him and I take off his helmet, ruffle his hair a bit because he's sweated and then put the helmet back on, tightening it in a way it can't fall.

The first week I got to coach them, Frank, one of the clumsy ones, fell pretty bad and his helmet flew off so that he hurt his head. I went out of my mind. It was one of my first days and I managed to screw so majorly that a kid got hurt. Thanks God, it wasn't anything serious, just a bump on his forehead. I took him to the nurse's office and made sure he's fine but I was so scared something happened to him that I couldn't sleep for a days after that.

Ever since that happened I make them all line up in front of me before we start practice so I can check their helmets, the shoes and basically make sure they won't get hurt. Which of course wasn't always preventable, but I was going to do my best to keep them save

"Okay, you're good. Does anyone else have something broken or giving him trouble?" I ask and they suddenly all start yelling with their sweet child's voices, some stretching their arms, other pointing at their shoes. I fix everything, ruffle their hairs or grip their shoulders for a brief moment before I'm finally done.

"Okay, let's try this once more and then you'll be free" I tell them and they all whine collectively "Alright, alright, if you do this good, I'll give you twenty minutes to play by yourselves." I add and they immediately change their attitude and yelp joyfully

"Coach, can't you play with us again like last week?" Jared asks and I smile as I shake my head. I sometimes passed the ball around with them, using only my healthy hand, which made them happy for some reason unknown to me.

They liked me being with them, playing with them and at the end they would usually all try to take me down and once they succeeded they would climb on my back and try to keep me grounded. It was fun and the only thing that made me smile lately.

"No, I have to be somewhere today, kiddo, but maybe next time" I apologize and they all go sad, but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just not feeling that good right now and playing with them will probably only make things worse "Come on, line up and let get this right this time!" I encourage them and they all take the positions I've given them. I blow the whistle and they all start running but Jared who stays still on his place and I laugh as I realize why. He didn't have the ball in his hands.

"Coach, I don't have the ball!" he says and I smile, trying to swallow down my laughter, cause they didn't like it when I laughed, they thought I was making fun of them, so I try to give him my most serious expression and sigh as I get on the field and gather the rest of them around.

The second time is better and they get so tired that they don't even want the twenty minutes I was going to give them. They all head to the locker rooms to change and shower and when they're out I check if they've dressed themselves properly and if they've gathered all their belongings.

Coach Evans says I'm not just a coach for them, but a big brother they look up to, who cares about them unlike the rest of the coaches they had. I shrug and wave my hand because I don't believe it's true. I am just doing my best.

My brother on the other hand, the person I was supposed to be helping too, I barely saw lately. He has buried himself in work as the baby was very soon to come, probably by the end of this week and he was going insane.

Moreover, when he found out that I've got a second job, he was really mad. I think it wasn't that much about the fact that it was a job and it would tire me, but that it had something to do with football. He believed that everything game-related made me feel worse and no matter how hard I tried to explain to him that the kids are the only thing that makes me smile these days, he wouldn't hear it, so I gave up.

I graduated from evening school last week so now it was all work for me. I would take extra shifts in the diner and then deal with the boys' practice which was three times a week, not that much. I tried to come home late and go straight to bed and Damon was usually at the hospital for more than thirty hours so we rarely saw each other lately.

I hated that, I really did, I feel like he was ignoring me a bit, probably on purpose, waiting for me to come to him and say that he was right and I shouldn't have accepted this job. But I was stubborn, so of course, I did none of that.

I jumped in Damon's old truck, which now I mostly used and tossed my bag on the seat next to me. I shoved my hand in one of the side pockets and got all my meds out. I stared at them for a moment. I knew that Damon found a way for us to get them for free, using the insurance and I felt guilty for what I was about to do.

Here's the thing-I've stopped taking them, or at least almost all of them. I still only chewed that one which regulated my blood pressure and my heart rhythm, but the rest of them I simply didn't take. I didn't see a point in it anymore-they were making me too sleepy and God knew that this is the last thing I wanted-I rarely slept more than three hours a night and that's if I was lucky enough to fall after my nightmare.

When Damon took me to that fancy doctor after we got back he prescribed me six of those orange bottles that were now stacked in my pocket. I stopped taking them on the second week. I first started flushing them in the toilet so that he doesn't notice something's wrong, but then one of these weeks I met Tyler in the diner I was working and despite my unwillingness to talk to him, he proposed something.

He had heard how screwed up I am and decided that I must be taking some pain killers and other stuff, so he suggested that I sell him some of my pills to him. At first I was reluctant to do that. I mean I knew that they would get high with it, all of them, the old crew. This wasn't anything new to me-Tyler used to do those kind of deals back when I was still partying hard with him.

The only reason I was willing to do this, was because I was expecting a letter back from the University of Richmond where Elena has applied too and I was hoping to get accepted. I knew the chance wasn't that big considering how much I've screwed up my education but Elena really helped me with my application and I did a good job with the essay so I was even optimistic about a scholarship.

I haven't told Damon about it at all. He knew nothing about my plans to leave for college. He didn't even know I wanted to go to one as I've never showed any interest in it and to be honest if it wasn't for Elena and the team consisting of little troublemakers, I wouldn't have bothered, but lately I've been thinking about it and the possibility of getting a decent education and becoming a real coach. For that however, I would need money. Even if I got a scholarship, I would still need them for all the other expenses and I had no intentions of getting money for Damon who will struggle a lot now when the baby comes, so this seemed like another way of getting what I needed. I worked in the diner, I worked at school and selling the pills instead of flushing them down the toilet seemed reasonable enough.

I drove downtown to the place where Tyler met me last time and while waiting for him to come I almost fell asleep until I heard someone open the door and jump right next to me.

"Stefan, my man!" he yelled, he was obviously already either high or drunk. "How is it going, buddy! You've got me what I need?" he slapped my shoulder and I winced, because my arm hurt enough as it is. I avoided talking to him so I just grabbed the pack of pills I've just made before I got here and handed it to him

"The whites are pain killers, pretty strong" I explain as he takes it from me and stares at it as he smiles widely "Five would be enough to knock you out. The pink ones are not as strong, but will still give you what you want and the yellows are antidepressants."

"You get antidepressants?" Tyler asks surprised and I shrug. The doctor thought it won't be a bad idea. I think he was the only one who figured something else is wrong with me apart from my screwed up heart and my unusable arm. He told Damon that he's prescribing them but it's not necessary for me to take them all the time, it was just a precaution yet of course Damon got them for me but didn't push me to take them. I think he believed he wouldn't let me fall apart. He had no idea I have already fallen apart

"Cool. Those would do a great job" Tyler smiled as he shoved the pills in his jacket pocket and took out his money, counting me my share and giving me more than I expected. I didn't protest though, this was for Damon's own good. If I had enough money, he wouldn't struggle to help me and he would be giving his family all they need.

I shove the money in my shirt's pocket and put my hands on the wheel, indicating that we're done and I'm ready to go. I actually had no idea what I'm supposed to do now, I didn't want to get back home because my brother would probably be there after spending the last two days in the hospital, so I would probably go drive around until I got tired.

"Hey, why don't you come with me, I'm heading off to this bar around the corner?" Tyler suggests and I furrow my eyebrows at him. A bar? They didn't usually go to bars, it was easier for them to get caught with the drugs. I was sincerely hoping that it was just him, Klaus and the old gang who were taking the pills I was giving them. I didn't want anyone else to be hurt by me.

"No, thanks" I cut him off, but he won't give it up

"Come on, Stefan" he puts his hand on my shoulder and I wince as he tightens his grip "Just grab a beer with me for old time's sake. Klaus is away tonight and I'm lonely."

"I don't think so, Tyler" I try again, but he keeps his hand on me and when I turn around I see him staring at me intensely, suggesting that I better move. It's not that I was afraid of him, I just didn't want him to make a scene now or give me trouble.

We stared at each other for a while. Tyler might look like an innocent drunken boy but he was in fact a dangerous fella and I hated that I've gotten myself in this now, but I was doing it for the better good, or maybe that's what I believed.

"Come on, don't make me do something you won't like now" Tyler hisses and I sigh, giving up as I nod and open up the door, joining him outside on the street.

We head around the corner and get into a pretty full bar, consisting of underage teens or college people who were having the time of their lives. I sigh as I get to the bar and use my old fake ID to buy bourbon while Tyler is already dancing with those girls a few feet away from me. He would come by the bar every now and then, throw his arm around me and make me drink with him.

And I would agree. I knew it was stupid and that I shouldn't be doing this, but lately everything's been just too much for me to handle and I needed somewhere to let the steam off. Things between Damon and I weren't good and I knew we were on the verge of getting into a big fight.

Then again it wasn't his fault, it was all mine. I was the one who lied to him-I wasn't telling him about the dreams that drain me emotionally or about the fact that I felt how much I am worsening with every passing day, it was my fault he didn't even suspect that all my free days I spent at home, lying in bed and thinking about how screwed up things are, even now.

Maybe that was it-I was a bad person. I got involved with the wrong people, I got myself drunk, I somehow always got myself into some kind of trouble. That's who I am.

I am not a good person.

I order another glass and gulp it all in closing my eyes for a minute, breathing in deep and listening to my damn heart slowly beating in my chest.

I open my eyes and stare at the bottles lined up on the shelves behind the bar as I smile-that was the easy way out. I was not supposed to be here, it's not who I am. I shouldn't give Damon troubles right now.

But then again it felt so good to just be able to forget. I wasn't drugging myself, I was just drinking and let's face it-it was the only thing that helped me right now.

"Bartender" I yell at the guy who was pouring the people in the other corner their drinks "One more!" I yell through the crowd and raise my empty glass.

Maybe the reason I didn't throw my fake ID all those months ago was because I knew one day I'll live up to my parents expectations and end up here.

At least that made sense.

 **Damon's POV**

I'm so angrily walking up and down the police station's hallway waiting for the officer to come and take me to my brother.

I couldn't believe I got this call. Out of all of the things that could happen, I had to get a call from the station because my little brother has been arrested! Tonight! Of all nights, when I haven't slept for more than forty hours, he had to get himself in damn trouble. When I asked on the front desk what was the reason for his arrest, they told me he was in a bar drinking with a bunch of other underage kids and that they made a random check-up and had to lock up half the people in there.

I sigh as I run my hand through my messy hair. I have lost track of everything he's been doing lately. This was my fault as much as his, yet what really bugged me was that he was there in the first place. He hasn't been to such a place in a long time and getting himself drunk only pissed me off. He knew he wasn't supposed to drink, not with that screwed up heart of his and with all the meds he was taking.

"Mr. Salvatore, sir?" one of the officers who comes out of his office smiles and nods down the hallway "Let's take you to your brother." he adds and I follow him this time reluctantly, because I have no idea in what condition I'll find my brother.

I realize that I haven't really talked to him lately and that I had no idea if he was into any kind of trouble. Maybe there was a reason for all this, maybe something happened, but how would I know when I was so buried in my own problems and nervous about the baby joining us soon.

"Here you go" he says as we make a right turn and I see the cells lined up in another long hallway "The second on the right" he points out. You have a few minutes, don't take too much-he adds and I nod. I know that I have to pay Stefan's bail first if I want him out, but I wanted to see him first and make sure he's fine before I do anything else.

I head there and when I get to the cell I see a bunch of people closed together in this big cell. They all seem to be teenagers, very drunk teenagers and it takes me a while to find my brother until I finally focus on a boy dressed in a red jacket-it was his coaching jacket, he must've had practice this afternoon, his hat was put down over his eyes and he was sitting on the floor, his back leaning on the cold wall behind. I couldn't even see his face, but he didn't seem to be in the perfect condition

"Stefan?" I call him out and a bunch of faces look at me before they realize I'm not the person that they are expecting. "Stefan!" I say again and he finally looks up, only to see me gripping the bars and staring at him intensely

"Oh, dammit" he curses as he sees me and tries to get up. "Damon, what are you doing here?"

"They called me" I say now, getting angrier by the minute, because he was drunk. He was hammered actually and he staggers as he gets on his feet and almost falls down "Come here, right now!" I order and when he looks at me I see the fear in his eyes, but he staggers on his way to the bars and in the meantime I notice Tyler Lockwood lying on a bench somewhere behind us.

"Damon, I'm so sorry" he begins but I cut him off

"What the hell did you do, Stefan?" I ask him with my cold and tired voice "You are so drunk, I don't know how you're standing on your two feet!" I say as I reach between the bars and grab his face only to look at his delusional eyes. He pulls away from me and grunts

"I'm fine, I just got a few beers" he says and I know it's a lie because he stinks like bourbon

"You're lying!" I call him out on his bullshit and he swallows hard. Then I turn around and bury my hands in my hair for a moment, trying to concentrate and figure out what to do

"I can't believe this. I can't just fucking believe this!" I say and he looks down at his feet "You know, I've been trying absolutely everything with you" I turn around angry because I am just so pissed off and because I know he needs the scolding. This wasn't him, he was better, what the hell happened to that? "I have been trying to help you ever since you got into this damn accident and all you've been doing is pushing me away and fucking things up. Why?" I ask him now and he smiles sadly as he looks at me.

He slowly shakes his head and I see for the first time tonight the sadness in his eyes. I don't understand what's going on here, I can't figure it out.

"What were you missing, Stefan? I have been trying to give you everything. You have a roof above your head, I agreed to your damn jobs even though you shouldn't be working, our insurance pays for your meds, I make sure you have clothes and food, so what it is that isn't enough?" I raise my voice just a bit and his smile drops

"There's nothing I need" he responds barely audible "You did your best, you're not the problem" he continues and I stare at him intensely "I am just not a good person, brother." my heart breaks when he says this, because I can see the expression on his face and I notice how awful he looks.

Only now do I manage to see that there's really something bugging him, something, he's keeping buried deep inside, something I might never be able to reach

"I deserve to be here" he adds and I swallow hard, starting to feel guilty for not noticing that there's something messed up with him

"Stefan, listen now. I am okay with you having your dark moments, but for the love of God, you can't get yourself drunk like this! Your heart is-"

"Messed up, I know" he finishes my sentence "You keep saying so, but it's not my heart that's truly messed up, it's me."

"What do you mean?" I ask and just when he's about to answer, my phone rings. I sigh as I pull it out of my pocket and I am about to hung up and shove it back when I see it's Bonnie.

I pick up and move away from the cell, trying to catch what the person on the other side of the line is trying to tell me.

When I hang up it takes me a while to get myself together, I am first in shock and then I realize that Stefan's calling out my name. When I turn around I see him leaning on the bars, supporting himself with his healthy hand, the other is shoved in his jacket pocket. He sees that I'm pale and confused and I realize that he looks worried.

"What's wrong?" he asks, his voice still sounds kind of drunk to me

"Bonnie's in labor" I explain and I shove my pocket in my jeans "I have to go there, but I should get you out first." I start rambling, making no sense whatsoever "I have to go home and get money so I can pay your bail."

"No" he cuts me off and I look him in the eyes.

There are things we had to discuss, things concerning him and his behavior, because I was damn disappointed in him tonight and he didn't seem even slightly surprised by the fact that I was so damn broken over it. It's like he expected it to happen, it's like he wanted it to happen

"You go to the hospital, I am all fine here."

"No offence, but you look terrible. I can't leave you here" I insist but he shakes his head stubbornly

"I am better than you" he smiles weakly "Go to Bonnie, take care of her, witness your kid joining this world" he continues "I am safe here, I can wait as long as I have to" he adds and I sigh. I really just wanted to get to the hospital, but leaving him here seemed wrong on many levels, yet I believed that maybe he needed the time to think over everything he's done today, maybe he could use it.

I was torn apart, but the thing that I didn't have was time, so when I kept wondering what to do, he grabbed my hand and looked me in the eye once more

"Damon, go!" he says and I take a step back, looking at him closed behind those bars. Right now he seems like a child to me. A child I was abandoning, just like my mother and father did "Just go, make sure the little bean is fine" he urges me again and I smile as I nod and turn my back on him.

And my heart is breaking.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Hello, guys and I am sorry for the long hiatus. I have actually written those two chapters a few weeks ago, but was reluctant to post them, I had other ideas and things that I deleted, also others that I added. That's not the end, but we're getting close to it. However, I have exams coming up and it might take me some time to post new chapters. I know many of you have expressed their opinions about Stefan not talking to his parents, so this chapter is about Stefan and his mother, because I've had that in my head for a while and wondered where to squeeze it in. I would appreciate your reviews! Also for the reviewer who wanted me to suggest Defan stuff-I am sure you've found whatever's out here in , there aren't many Defan writers out here, just browse the tag, that's the best advice I can give you. Also, if you haven't read _Gun play by tigrebleu_**

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 **Stefan's POV**

I am trying to iron my best plaid shirt since I have a game with the juniors in about half an hour and I am failing miserably in this task, because I also have to keep an eye on little baby Sarah and I am not doing a good job in it.

She's only two months old but she's already a pain in my ass. The sweetest pain though. I love her to bits and she's pretty much the only thing that doesn't make me want to stand in the middle of a street and wait for a car to kill me these days. I sigh as I hear her crying in her crib and I curse as I take the shirt off and head to her.

"Hey, little bean" I say as I look down and try to rock the crib just to make her calm down, but I am unsuccessful. Damon is away working and Bonnie was called in on some kind of emergency even though she was taking her maternity leave after Sarah was born and I was supposed to wait for the nanny to come, but she was already late and that meant I would be late for my game too "Please, sweetheart, I can't pick you up now, uncle has to change for the game, alright?" I say but she won't have it, she only raises her voice and demands me taking her. I sigh as I toss my shirt aside and lean down to grab her.

At first, I was so scared to carry her as I was afraid I would fuck something up with my screwed up arm. I could barely hold my cup of coffee in the morning, what was left for a child, but I usually put all the weight on my healthy hand and only used the screwed up one to rub her back and calm her down.

I swear to God, my brother, he was so damn happy when she was born, I have never seen him like that in my entire life. He was out of his mind and I wasn't even there to experience it with him right away because I was in the station. He was mad at me for getting myself in trouble. Really mad, and once he bailed me out and took me back home, he told me that this was it-if I screwed up once more, he won't be vouching for me anymore, he won't be putting his ass on the line, he won't sacrifice himself and his family because of me. He had a child now and he had to focus on that, on being a father.

I told him I understand and we made our peace with one another, but I knew he didn't trust me. He would sometimes show up surprisingly after my shift in the diner was over just to take me home or he would come home when he has told me he had a shift. But he knew that he couldn't keep his eyes on me all the time and I think that was pissing him off.

I turned out to be the person my parents warned him about-the drug addict who would always get himself in trouble with the wrong people and he wasn't as surprised as he was disappointed. And that disappointment was all over his face.

It was hard for me to take it and the only reason I was still here was because I was trying to help around with the baby and save enough money so I wouldn't have to ask him for some when I have to leave for college. Something that he still didn't know about. I got accepted three weeks ago and the first thing I did was call Elena to check if she was accepted too.

She was. And we would be on our way to Richmond in the late August, something which my brother had no idea about. Not yet.

"Come on, baby girl, calm down" I whisper in Sarah's ear and she buries her head in my chest, starting to calm down. She was still just a little sweet bean, like I loved to call her. She had my brother's messy dark hair and Bonnie's beautiful brown eyes and skin and she was the perfect little thing. I hated that I would have to say goodbye to her.

I realized. I would have to say goodbye to many things. Not just her.

I would have to say goodbye to my brother at the end of the summer and I doubted I would ever come back here. I just couldn't. With the nightmares and everything that's been going on, I just wouldn't be able to survive long in this place. I would have to say goodbye to Bonnie, who has been the closest thing I've had to a friend besides Elena.

And Elena…maybe I would have to say goodbye to her too. Maybe if I don't make it by the end of the summer, I will never get to even do that.

Sarah leans her head on my chest, exactly where my screwed up heart is and I swallow hard as I close my eyes and keep swinging her.

I want to believe that everything will be alright and I'll make it and maybe after some time, things will work out.

But I can't be sure.

I can't be sure because one of the reasons I got out of that truck and went into the bar with Tyler that night was because I knew I had nothing to lose. I was dying. A day earlier I've went to see the doctor, as Damon has made an appointment for me, and he told me I am getting worse. He also said he doesn't have hope I'll get better unless he stabilizes my condition and performs a surgery. I told him I don't want Damon to know that. I was almost eighteen by that time. I am eighteen now and he isn't obligated to inform my guardians, because I was no longer underage. I lied to him that I'll tell my brother myself. I still haven't. And I won't do it.

I was just hoping now. Hoping that by some chance, I'll stop getting worse or at least I'll stabilize so that I could still leave for college in the fall. That way I would be away from Damon and he won't know something's wrong with me. From there, I could figure something out. I have already told Elena and she had my back. If I needed her help, she wouldn't leave me.

Which reminded me that I had to take my pills. I carried baby Sarah with me to the kitchen and placed her on the couch while I swallowed five pills of different colors with a glass of water. I've stopped selling them to Tyler. I've decided that if I want to stop hurting my brother, I had to take them so I could be well enough to leave and set him free.

Just when I was about to start cursing that the nanny is late, I heard the doorbell ring.

"Finally" I sighed as I picked Sarah in my arms and went to the door "It was about time, Emma, I was going to call-" but then I stopped, because it wasn't the nanny.

It was my mother.

"Stefan, hey!" she says strangely warm as she stares at me holding my niece and seems afraid to take a step forward. I am lost for words, I don't know how to react, I haven't seen her in two months.

The last time she was here, she came by was to congratulate Damon and Bonnie after the birth of Sarah, but I left just when she arrived. I surpassed her and rushed down the stairs as if I didn't know who she was at all.

Damon told me that she's been asking about me which was strange and really confusing for me. He said that something's changed and that our father seems to be taking too much time out of the country. I think he was trying to imply that they were going to divorce, but I didn't believe him. My mother has always been by my father's side, I doubted something would happen to change her mind, but then again I also didn't care just like they never did. I only wanted to get out of here and let my brother off the hook, because he didn't deserve taking care of a sick person like me.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, trying to swallow down my coldness, but not doing a great job in it "Where's the nanny?"

"She called Bonnie and told her she can't make it so your brother asked me to come. Said that you have to leave?"

"I do" I respond, but I still don't move away from the door and I keep staring at her. I am not sure I want to leave Sarah with her, though I know she won't do anything bad to her. I just…didn't like her being here. It made me feel uneasy.

"So, can I come in?" she asks after I just keep standing there and I clear my throat, letting her in and closing the door behind us "You want me to take her?" she asks and I shake my head, I didn't need her help, so instead I just nod to the living room and lead her in.

"She's been a bit fussy but that's probably because she needs to be fed soon" I explain without looking at her as I place Sarah in her crib "The bottles are in the fridge, just warm them up and give it to her" I say and she nods, even though she probably knows all this, even though both Damon and I were mostly raised by our nanny.

I rush to grab my shirt, which is very much crinkled, but I don't care, I have to get dressed and I try not to pay attention to my mother. She, however, seems to be in the mood for some chatting and I hate it.

"Damon told me you've been coaching the junior league" she begins and I nod while I still keep trying to gather all the stuff in my duffel bag and find the keys for the truck "He also said you graduated evening school."

"Yes, I was there" I say with a rough painful chuckle "Unlike some other people" she never came. The only person for my graduation was Damon. Aunt Karen wanted to come too, but things got wrong in the farm and she couldn't leave. She had to take care of some stuff while uncle Luke was away working on a construction somewhere in another state.

"I wanted to come" she begins apologizing "I just-"

"It's okay, mother, I really don't care about that and I don't have time for it. I don't know why is it that you're trying to talk to me and whether my brother made you do it, but you can stop now. It's obviously very unnatural to you" I toss my jacket over my shoulders and I grunt from the pain in my arm when I try to put it on which she notices and takes a step forward, then suddenly stops when she sees I take a step back.

"Stefan, please, I just want to talk to you" she begins and I furrow my eyebrows

"Why?" I am confused. She shipped me off to uncle Luke's, she's been supporting the abuse from my father all those years and she's made it obvious many times that Damon is her favorite son. She's been ashamed of me and she thinks I've destroyed our family reputation. That doesn't change overnight. Even if the look in her eyes right now suggest she actually seems to be in pain about something

She opens her mouth to say something, but then she doesn't and I sigh as I shake my head and decide it's high time I leave. Maybe something was going on with her, maybe her conscious was calling out, I didn't know. And I didn't care, not right now. Everything was too messed up already.

I use the elevator to get downstairs, but when I get in the truck and put my hands on the wheel, I feel a pain in my chest and I have to delay taking off for a few minutes so I could catch my breath. This happened often, but it was worse when I actually got too emotional and because of my nightmares, that happened a lot. My heart was always beating out of my chest when I woke up at night and it took me hours to calm it down. But now it wasn't my nightmares, it was my mom and she shouldn't be a reason for this.

"Suck it up, Stefan" I tell myself because I turn the engine off and start driving "The kids needs you."

I come home around midnight on purpose, hoping that by that time Damon would've come home and my mom would be gone, but when I literally drag myself inside and I don't see my brother's shoes near the door, I know I'm most probably screwed.

I'm slowly taking my jacket off. I was extremely tired and the tightness in my chest from earlier hasn't disappeared, it has only worsened, even if I was trying to ignore it, unfortunately, unsuccessfully.

"Stefan?" I hear my mother's voice and I grunt without even looking at her as I attempt to take my shoes off

"Where's my brother?" I ask instead when I finally meet her eyes and I still can't believe that I see a worried expression on her face. What the hell was going on with her? This wasn't typical of her-she was rude and cold to me, she hated me and blamed me for everything wrong in Damon's life, she despised me being around him, I couldn't imagine that she was fine with me taking care of his child and now suddenly, she looks so different to me. She wasn't dressed in one of her usual businesswoman suits, she looked more like the person from the photos of Damon's childhood-from the time she was a teacher who loved everything she did and was not a corporate monster who got involved in my father's world and business.

She had a simple white shirt on and jeans, and her hair was a mess similar to mine-we had the same sandy blond hair, a resemblance that I despised. There were dark circles under her eyes and she was holding a sleeping Sarah in her hands-for a moment, it almost felt like the mother I've always wanted to see. The mother Damon had when he was a boy and the one I've never met aside from old photographs.

"He called and said that there was some big fire downtown and there were too many people hurt. He and Bonnie have to stay the night because there aren't enough doctors." I grunt as I nod and surpass her on my way to the living room. But I can't even make it to the kitchen where I know my pills are because I stagger and I have to stop for a moment and grab the nearest cupboard so I don't fall

"Stefan, are you alright?" she asks as she comes by my side and puts her hand on my shoulder. I shrug her off, refusing to let her touch me and throw her an angry glance

"I'm fine" I cut her off as I gather my strength and continue walking to the kitchen. My hand is rest on my fast beating hard in one desperate attempt to make it calm down, but it won't and I am pissed off. I often got mad at myself for being like this, especially since the doctor said I was not going to get better but he'll try. That's why he gives me all those pills dammit, why aren't they working?

"You don't look fine, you're very pale" she continues insisting as she follows me there, but I don't even have the strength to say something mean now, I just reach for the cupboard "Is it your heart? Your brother said you have problems."

"My brother…the know-it-all" I mumble as I grab the orange bottle in the back and spill two pills in my shaky hand

"Didn't you take those already?" her voice is still as concerned and I still think that I am maybe dreaming

"Don't worry, mom, your junkie son is not overdosing" I raise my voice slightly because I am annoyed and in pain and little Sarah stirs in her embrace "Just take care of her, I can take care of myself, something you were never eager to do."

"Stefan" she begs me to stop, but I don't want to stop, I am mad at her and I have no idea why she's acting the way she is now, but I am pissed off for all the pain she's given me and I if she wanted to be nice that's good for her, but I had no such intentions.

"You'll be staying the night, right?" I ask her next before I take the pills and she nods "You have to take care of Sarah, those make me sleepy" I tell her and I see her swallow hard

"I won't leave, Stefan" it sounded more like a promise than anything else and I hated it, so I tried to ignore it as best as I could.

I take the pills with a glass of water and decide that I won't be able to make it to my room, so I head for the couch. I leave her somewhere behind me but I hear her near Sarah's crib and I know she's probably putting her down.

I somehow make it to the couch and lay down, but I can hear her somewhere in the kitchen, probably cleaning things up and I know that I won't fall right away, just because it hurts so much. My hand ends up on my chest again and I try to breathe deep. When I open my eyes I see her folding Sarah's clothes on the armchair next to me.

"Did you win the game?" she decides to start a conversation and I don't know if I hate it or if I am still too surprised to believe it

"Yes, we won. The kids were happy." and exhausting. On nights like this it was getting too much for me. I got worried that we'll lose, that the coach will fire me or that the parents will come and complain, they've done it before, it was only unnecessary headache to add to everything else

"That's all that matters" she adds and I look at her again after closing my eyes for a minute "Kids have to grow up happy."

"Yes, they do" I agree with her but I avoid her look and turn to the left so I can stare at the game on the TV just to distract myself from the pain.

"You're doing a great job with Sarah" I shake my head at her, because I disagree. I wasn't the best uncle out there, I just tried my best to help Damon and Bonnie because I knew how hard it was for them.

Then after it I hear her say something else, but my eyes are already closed and I am too damn tired to listen to her.

The next thing I know someone is shaking my shoulder pretty hard and calling out my name and when I finally open up my eyes I jump in the couch scared.

"Stefan!" my mom is leaning down on me, she looks really worried, I can see that it's still dark outside, the TV is on, Sarah is probably sleeping. It mustn't have been more than an hour since I fell "You were having a nightmare, yelling in your sleep" she informs me and I sigh as I grunt and lay back down on the pillow. My shirt is wet because I've sweated like hell "You're shaking" she looks at my hands "What is wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, I'm fine, leave me alone" I cut her off and I push her hand away when she tries to reach out

"Please, don't push me back! Tell me how I can help you" she insists but I chuckle

"You suddenly want to help me now? Want to explain to me what on earth is wrong with you today mother, because the last time I checked you didn't give a damn and now suddenly you're all worried and being motherly concerned about me? Why? That doesn't make any sense."

"Stefan, I am just trying-"

"Stop trying! I don't need you to try now. It's too late for you to care. "

"I want to fix things, please." there are tears in her eyes "I've been talking to your aunt Karen and to your brother and I've realized that I haven't been fair to you. I should've helped you when you needed me, I should've been there after the accident…you were so alone and I just walked away."

"Stop, I can't think about it now" I beg her because I really don't want to go back there "You made your choice and so did I and for that I'll suffer."

"You don't deserve to suffer. None of this is your fault. You were just a kid. You still are. And you went through hell" she's really crying now, tears are coming down her face and she reaches out to my hand, placing hers on top "I just…I want to change things."

"You want to change things?" I say and I shake my head as I take my hand away from her "You let my father beat me! You let him kick me out of our house after I've gone through the worst thing in my life and lost everything!" I raise my voice at her and she looks away "No! Look me in the eyes when I am telling you this, just like you watched me when he was beating me and did nothing!" she turns back to me. I feel my heart beating out of my chest again, I feel weak and tired "Then when Damon wanted to help me, you made me leave him and shipped me off to our uncle, who also beat the shit out of me but that's not something I assume you know about. Do you need me to keep going?" she doesn't say anything but she keeps crying and I don't think I have ever seen her like this in my life before. So ruined. I lay back down on my pillow and close my eyes, breathing heavily.

We stay like this for a while, drowning in the sadness around us and I feel my chest tighten more and more with every passing minute.

"You have every right to hate me" she says in a bit but I don't look at her because I can't "But I won't stop trying to fix things."

"You are forgetting that maybe I don't want to fix them at all" I respond barely audible "Dammit" I curse as I realize that I can't catch my breath so I try to raise myself up a bit. She suddenly rushes by my side and helps me move the pillows

"What do I do? Do you want me to call your brother? Take you to the hospital?"

"You're not calling Damon!" I cut her off as I reach out for the glass on the coffee table but I end up accidentally pushing it to the ground and I hear it shatter on the floor "Jesus Christ, I can't do one thing right!" I curse myself as I hope that Sarah won't wake up because of the noise. She was a deep sleeper, but I was making it harder for her.

"Everything's alright" my mother says as she leaves my side and goes to grab the brush so she can sweep the glass away and clean the mess I've made. Then she disappears back into the kitchen and comes back with a cup of tea "Maybe this will help you" she hands it to me and I take it, because even though I hate her, I know I need this "Does this happen often? You being like this?" she asks and I shrug

"From time to time. I'm fine, you don't have to tell Damon, I don't want him to worry and I'm sure you don't either."

"Okay, I won't" she promises and I raise my eyebrows surprised that I've actually managed to convince her "If that's what you want, I'll respect it."

"It's my fault I am like that, not his. I won't let him suffer for my mistakes." I add and stare at the TV somewhere behind her because I just can't keep my eyes on her. I can't believe we yelled at each other so much.

"What were you dreaming about?" she asks next when I've started calming down a bit and feeling better "You were begging for someone not to hit you." she continues when I don't respond "It was the accident, wasn't it?" I nod and we again remain like this for a while until Sarah's cries interrupt the silence and she gets up to take her.

I don't give her a definite answer and instead turn my back to her and pretend to be asleep so she wouldn't ask my anything again. I don't think I could face it either way.


	14. Chapter 14

_**Hey, guys!**_

 _ **I'm sorry that this is not an update as most of you thought it would be. I decided to post here because I got questions over the last few months**_ _ **/**_ _ **weeks concerning finishing this story. I'm sorry but the truth is, I don't plan on finishing this. I have long lost my inspiration to write for TVD, mostly because of the way things went with my favorite character Stefan and because I lost interest in the show and moved onto another fandom. I haven't really been writing lately as a whole due to personal issues. I'm sorry if I am disappointing you by not finishing this. I wish I had a better answer for you, but my mental health issues and the busy life I had in the past year drained me of inspiration. I hope you understand and thank you for all of you who have been reading and supporting me. It truly means a lot!**_


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